The sky is purple.
I like it though. It’s soothing in a way. As I sit on the beach, my favorite place, I notice something in the waves.  Something orange. A bottle? I don’t like going in the water. So, I am hesitant to go in and see what this bottle-like thing is.
I decided to. As I push through the waves, careful not to get my pants wet, I see what it is. A prescription pill bottle. Empty. I looked at it, the prescription was now gone from being soaked in the water I assume.  All I could see was the two X’s. No name was to be found.
As I am just standing here in the water I feel something sweep my arm, almost tickling. I look down giggling, but that quickly fades. It’s now silent, except for the salt water waves splashing against my shins. I turned around to see what touched my arm. I find a body aimlessly floating. Lifeless. Colorless. I knew of this girl. I do not exactly know her.
I don’t know who to call. I don’t know this girl well enough to call her parents or siblings. There’s rumors of her dad being a big drinker. I know her name, but for some reason I can’t think of it. My mind has just been so whack lately. 
By the time I realize that I would leave it to the police to figure it out what to do with this girl, I make it half way across the beach and sit down at a picnic table. I am exhausted. The sun isn’t as bright and the sky dimmed to a navy blue. The clouds are scattered across the sky, like torn cotton balls. I don’t even know what time I got here, or if I drove. As my mind keeps spinning because of this strange encounter I sit and watch the sky. I can’t stop thinking about how the stars reminded me of salt, carelessly thrown into the universe.
I wake up to voices, and the vibrant sun peeking in-between clouds. When did I fall asleep? Everything has been a daze lately. Looking around I see the beach taped in yellow, and police officers followed by doctors scattered across the sand. The search dogs are about 15 yards in front of me. I feel as if I am too close to everything.
I moved underneath the table trying my best to not be seen because I don’t want to be questioned on why I had not called the police when I found the body. I picked up the pill bottle but don’t remember where I put it? Had they found it? Oh lord, I hope they don’t search for finger prints. My mind is going into overdrive of “what ifs.”
I overheard the doctors saying that it was a possible suicide. Another older doctor had confirmed this possibility minutes later. The policemen say they need to get to the station quickly to undergo investigation. I sprinted from the picnic table toward everyone on the beach.  Wanting to give them any information I had. But, I stopped halfway, realizing there was no information to give. I don’t have anything to tell them.
I ended up at the police station. I want to help anyone who needed questions answered, but I had no answers. I guess I shouldn’t have come here at all.
There wasn’t many people around. While sitting on the curb when I see a man walking up, and a policewoman calling him over. She asked if he knew where his daughter was, he began telling her that sometimes she just doesn’t come home and how she never listens to him anymore so he had no idea. He wouldn’t be surprised if she was arrested “or some s***.” She then told him that his daughter was the one who I had found. She didn’t say that I found her. They don’t know I found her before they did.
I watched as this man got on his knees screaming “No, please God no!” over and over and over. The light from the moon lit up his face just enough for me to see. He looks as if he lost his world. He then threw his phone across the parking lot. Shattering everywhere, just like himself. Shattered. I just watched, having nothing to say. I don’t know what to say, there are no comforting words to tell to someone about loss. Nothing can fix the feeling inside of you. No amount of medication, pills, or alcohol can numb the fact that you were to oblivious to see someone in front of you slowly losing sight of hope. 
I got up though. I went inside the police station and saw three teenagers sitting in grey chairs. Two shared a light blue blanket. Not sure why. It doesn’t feel cold, or hot.
It just is.
I recognize them. I figure they are there for the girl. I haven’t heard her name mentioned yet. I just keep observing everyone’s reactions to this tragedy. I wonder if anyone knew she was upset or tried to help her. Asked if she was okay. I guess not, because she is gone. Forever.
I felt invisible. I kept my distance from everything but these teenagers…seeming so sad. I walked closer and closer. They looked right past me. It was like I didn’t exist. I hated this feeling, like I didn’t matter. I felt it often to be honest, just like when I am at home.
A police officer walked out, I heard him say “Hey, I need you all to come this way. I am sorry you lost your friend but it is important we understand why Laken Adams did this to herself.”
I knew her. I knew that name! I don’t know how.
Then it all registered. I began to scream and cry, yelling “Come back, please God, help! “ Over and over and over. But, I knew damn well there was nothing a God I don’t even believe in, could do. Because it was me. I was Laken Adams. Now I am just a lifeless body, floating.
All I remember is the sky.
The sky was purple.
I kept thinking to myself those four words.
I was in love with the sky. It held so many emotions I felt within its changing colors. I came out here often, to this beach. I would lose myself looking into the sun, then the moon. Sometimes the stars would take my mind away, and I wouldn’t come down for a while.
Mostly because I was on my mom’s anxiety pills, or something when I would be out there. It helped me not feel so much. My dad would be too drunk, or at work to realize I wasn’t home by “curfew.” Curfew wasn’t even a thing anymore. Until the next day when he sobered up and saw I wasn’t in my room. He would assume I just wouldn’t come home.
My mom got tired of him breaking his teeth on every bottle he could find. Yet, she stayed around. Probably for me. Though it destroyed my dad more and more. He had gotten a DUI recently. He claimed it was her fault he had gotten it, because she was a terrible wife or something. I never saw it. Never saw how anyone drove him to drinking except himself. ”Sometimes there is demons you are born with and can’t get rid of, “ he would say.
He never spoke of his family. It was always “We are going to your moms for Christmas.” For 17 years he would say this. I feel as if he said it because part of him hoped it would be different.
My little brother died when I was 10, he was 7. He drown at what was supposed to be our yearly Tennessee rafting trip. That ended right after Joel died. No one speaks of it except me. Because no one can bare to say it. Talk of it. Or think about it. Not me though, I just held on to him because I wanted to be better.
I never got better, just worse.
So, I came to the beach. I was wearing these glasses to hide the fact my eyes were bloodshot from crying so much. I had debated saying bye. I figured since no one gave a damn about me it was better to just get it over with. I never believed in afterlife. I just didn’t want to feel anything at all. So, I took the rest of my mom’s pills.
I got in the water, gently floating. The waves crashed over my body. I didn’t have enough energy to fight the water anymore. My hair was sweeping the surface slowly, then going back under. Followed by my head. My eyes were still open, and I kept looking and focusing on the sky. The water began to burn less and less. Then, the sky turned from navy blue, to purple. Just swirling colors. Changing. Spinning. Then changing again.  My stomach began to hurt, eventually that passed. I couldn’t feel anything.
I became numb permanently, that’s all I wanted.  
I didn’t know where I was going
I didn’t know if I’d see Joel
I knew nobody would care
No one would find me
I remember the sky
I remember