[Setting:  An empty subway car at 1:00 a.m.  BONNIE, a woman with frizzy hair and glasses, sits and hides her head behind a newspaper.  She wears pajamas and fuzzy slippers.

At Rise: The car doors open and CRYSTAL, a woman in her twenties, enters.  She wears a skimpy dress, over-the-knee stiletto boots, and large hoop earrings.  She chews gum loudly.  She grips a black gym bag with both hands.  CRYSTAL carefully sets the bag on the floor and remains standing.  She puts on a pair of headphones and blasts loud rap music.  BONNIE lowers her newspaper and peeks suspiciously at CRYSTAL, then quickly raises it again to cover her face.  The music gets louder, and she repeats this motion a second and third time.  BONNIE ducks her head and tries to hide.  CRYSTAL turns off the music and removes her headphones.

Note: CRYSTAL speaks with a trashy New York accent.]

CRYSTAL
Hey.

BONNIE
Mmm-hmm.

CRYSTAL
How’s it goin’?

BONNIE
Fine.

CRYSTAL
Cool.

[CRYSTAL nudges the bag closer.]

CRYSTAL (cont.)
Whatcha readin’?

BONNIE
The Times.

CRYSTAL
Cool.  I don’t read much.

BONNIE
Shame.

CRYSTAL
So…what’s your excuse?

BONNIE
I beg your pardon?

CRYSTAL
Why are you here?

BONNIE
Why am I here?  Is that some sort of existential question?

CRYSTAL
Existential?  What the hell’s that?  Nah, hon, I’m just wondering what a chick like you is doin’ on the subway at one in the mornin’.

BONNIE
A chick like me?  What do you mean by that?

CRYSTAL
You know, just with your newspaper and your…your…ah, never mind.

[BONNIE sets down her paper.]

BONNIE
No, what?

CRYSTAL
Nothin’.  Forget it.

BONNIE
I don’t want to forget it.

CRYSTAL
Ah, jeez.  Chill out.

BONNIE
I’m…chill.

CRYSTAL
(sarcastic)
Yeah, I can see that.  Totally chill.

BONNIE
You’re making fun of me.

CRYSTAL
Sorry.

BONNIE
It’s fine.  I’m not a chill person.  People tell me to relax all the time.

[CRYSTAL checks to make sure the zipper on her gym bag is closed.  She looks up quickly to see if BONNIE noticed.  BONNIE continues reading, dejected but slightly offended.]

CRYSTAL
You okay?  Did I piss you off or something?

BONNIE
Don’t worry about it.  I wouldn’t want to bother you.  Just carry on with whatever it is that you’re listening to.

CRYSTAL
Hey, hon, I’m not going anywhere.  You wanna talk?  I could listen.

[BONNIE cautiously sets down her paper.]

BONNIE
Sorry if I was a bit put off before.  I do that a lot around people.

CRYSTAL
It’s cool.

BONNIE
I’m working on it.  I’m trying to be more chill.  Maybe it’s “chiller” instead of “more chill?”  I don’t know, which would you say?

CRYSTAL
Uh, I dunno.

BONNIE
(thinks hard)
Hmm.

CRYSTAL
So…you’re trying to be more cool?

BONNIE
I think you say “cooler” instead of “more cool,” but yes, that’s what I’m doing.

CRYSTAL
Right…why?

BONNIE
It’s for my kids mostly.  They want a cool mom.  Hip, you know?  Gotta keep up.

CRYSTAL
Needs some work.

[CRYSTAL sits across from BONNIE.  She pulls her heavy bag into her lap and hugs it closely.]

BONNIE
I like how empty it is in here so late at night.

CRYSTAL
Guess so.  I’m used to it.

BONNIE
Me too.

CRYSTAL
You ride the subway late often?

BONNIE
Fairly often.

CRYSTAL
Funny, I never seen you before.

BONNIE
I beg your pardon?

CRYSTAL
I take this train almost every night, and I ain’t never seen you on it ‘til today.

BONNIE
I don’t always take this train.  Sometimes different trains.

CRYSTAL
Different trains?  There aren’t different trains.  This is the only one that takes this route.

BONNIE
The route’s not really important to me.

CRYSTAL
How can it not be important?  Hon, this is the only train that makes these stops.

BONNIE
I know.  But sometimes the stops aren’t important.

CRYSTAL
Uh, okay…the stops kinda matter, cause that’s where you get off the train.

BONNIE
They don’t matter to me.

CRYSTAL
All right, whatever you say, Subway Lady.

BONNIE
Bonnie.  My name’s Bonnie.

[BONNIE extends her hand and they share an awkward handshake.]

CRYSTAL
Uh…okay.  Bonnie.  I’m Crystal.

BONNIE
Pleasure to meet you, Crystal.

CRYSTAL
You too, I guess.  Hey, you know, you never answered my question.

BONNIE
Which question?

CRYSTAL
Why’re you riding the subway at one in the mornin’ in your pajamas?

BONNIE
Oh, that.

CRYSTAL
What’s up with that?  Not that I don’t dig your pajamas.

BONNIE
I just enjoy the subway.

CRYSTAL
That’s weird.

BONNIE
I like all trains, actually.

CRYSTAL
You’re riding the subway in your PJ’s in the middle of the night cause you just like trains?

BONNIE
That’s correct.

CRYSTAL
What’s so great about trains?  The subway’s pretty gross.  I’d take a cab if I could afford it.

BONNIE
Trains are predictable.  I like predictable.  Nothing else is really predictable.

[CRYSTAL checks the zipper on her bag again and hugs it closer.]

CRYSTAL
What about when there are delays?  Or construction on the tracks?  That’s not predictable.

BONNIE
That’s true.  Those times aren’t ideal, but usually trains are just terrific.  There’s a map and a schedule and people in charge who make things work the way they should.  There’s an order and a rhythm and a precision that you can’t find anywhere else.  (pause) Well, that’s not quite true.

CRYSTAL
Whaddya you mean?

BONNIE
You can find that same sense of order in libraries.  They are perfectly, universally organized.  That’s why I became a librarian.  Nice and predictable.

CRYSTAL
Librarian.  Figures.

BONNIE
What’s that?

CRYSTAL
What?  Oh, nothin’…I was just saying…I guess that makes sense.

BONNIE
It absolutely makes sense.  That’s why I like it so much.  Things don’t often make sense.

CRYSTAL

They don’t?

BONNIE
No, they don’t.  You see, in books, the writer can make up whatever setting or circumstances she or he so desires, and usually they are nice and sensible.  But in the real world, it doesn’t quite work that way.  Society has all these superficial rules that don’t make sense at all.

CRYSTAL
Oh, you’re one of those people.

BONNIE
Who are “those people?”

CRYSTAL
That old-fashioned crowd who think society’s all screwed up and it’s not the way it used to be back in the day and all that.

BONNIE
I’m not like that.

CRYSTAL
Really.

BONNIE
Yes.  I’m not the kind of person who mopes around and longs for the good old days.  What’s the point of the good old days?  Society’s always been “screwed up.”

CRYSTAL
(skeptical)
It has?

BONNIE
Absolutely.  Why, everybody gets offended at everything and has unwritten rules about what’s acceptable and what isn’t.  Those rules are meaningless.  They’re just asking to be broken.  To give you an example, there are people who think it’s perfectly inappropriate to take the subway in your pajamas in the middle of the night.  But those people don’t know about the predictability of subway trains, and how anything good is made better if you’re wearing pajamas.  Therefore, my situation is perfectly acceptable and socially appropriate and those people are in fact quite mistaken.

CRYSTAL
‘Kay, I guess that makes sense.

BONNIE
Good.  Finally, someone who gets me.

CRYSTAL
Yeah, that sounds legit.  I mean, you’re right about one thing.  Pajamas totally rock.

BONNIE
They do indeed.  Aren’t you glad we’ve broken this social barrier?

CRYSTAL
I guess so.

[CRYSTAL unzips her bag, checks to make sure the contents are there, and quickly re-zips it.]

BONNIE
So, Crystal, since society’s unspoken rules designate it inappropriate to converse with strangers while riding the subway, I’m quite grateful that we’ve progressed past this insular behavior.

[CRYSTAL stares back blankly.]

BONNIE
(sighs)
I’m glad we’re talking.

CRYSTAL
Oh.  Could’ve just said that.

BONNIE
(tentative)
Now Crystal, what brings you to the subway at one a.m.?  I told you why I enjoy passing my time here.  What’s your reason for being out and about in the middle of the night?

CRYSTAL
Uh…I was just hanging with some friends.

[BONNIE shoots a nervous glance at CRYSTAL’s bag.]

BONNIE
Hmm…well, friendship is priceless.  Isn’t that lovely.  I would certainly like to give it a try.

CRYSTAL
You never have?

BONNIE
Not really.

CRYSTAL
You don’t have friends?  (pause) Not ever?

BONNIE
I don’t.  In case you haven’t noticed, Crystal, people find me quite odd.

CRYSTAL
No, I definitely noticed...but you have no friends at all?  Not even one?

BONNIE
Not really.  I consider my husband a friend, but he’s divorcing me so he wants me to start calling him my ex-husband, and therefore I presume it would be considered inappropriate to call him my friend.  And my kids are my friends, but they’re seven and ten and they prefer to stay with my husband than with me.  They think I’m a “loser,” so I don’t know if that counts.

CRYSTAL
Girl, that sucks!  You don’t deserve that.  Want me to be your friend?

BONNIE
Really?  You would do that?

CRYSTAL
Sure, why not?

BONNIE
That is quite kind of you, Crystal.  I cordially accept.

CRYSTAL
Cool.

BONNIE
(awkward)
Cool.

[BONNIE reads her newspaper for a few moments.  CRYSTAL checks her phone, keeping one arm wrapped around the bag.]

BONNIE (cont.)
You know, friend, the subway in London is called the Underground.

CRYSTAL
Who knew?

BONNIE
I knew.  And in Paris, they call it the Metro.

CRYSTAL
Radical.

BONNIE
Have you ever been?

CRYSTAL
Where, to Europe?  Nah, I’ve never been out of the state.  I don’t have money like that.

BONNIE
Oh, that’s a shame.  You’d probably love Amsterdam.

[CRYSTAL nods, confused.  BONNIE gestures to CRYSTAL’s bag.  CRYSTAL gets nervous and grips it tighter.]

BONNIE (cont.)
Crystal, now that we’re friends, I have to ask.  Should I be concerned about the contents of that bag?

CRYSTAL
What, this?  No, no, this is just…something I picked up…just for carrying stuff.

BONNIE
Well, you’re quite protective of it.

CRYSTAL
Um…yeah, it’s important.  I need it.

BONNIE
Crystal, I worry you’re making bad choices.

[CRYSTAL quickly stands up, gripping the bag.]

CRYSTAL
What?  No!  What are you talking about?

BONNIE
Just the way you are with that bag…I’m worried…do you have something in there of which I should be aware?

CRYSTAL
No.

BONNIE
Crystal.  We’re friends now.  I’m trustworthy.  Are you sure there’s nothing you want to tell me?  What are you so nervous about?

[CRYSTAL thinks, conflicted.  She carefully sits back down.]

CRYSTAL
I’m sorry, hon.  I have a problem.

BONNIE
Crystal…

CRYSTAL
I’m sorry.  I can’t help it.

BONNIE
You seem like such a nice young lady.  Don’t you know better?  Why would you get into drugs?

CRYSTAL
What?  Drugs?  Is that what you think this is?

BONNIE
Yes, isn’t that what you—

CRYSTAL
No!  I’d never do drugs!  I can’t believe you thought that.

BONNIE
I’m confused.  You just told me you have a problem…

CRYSTAL
But not with drugs!  Sugar, I don’t do that.  Look.

[CRYSTAL unzips the gym bag and slides it across the floor to BONNIE with her foot.  BONNIE holds up her hand and averts her eyes.]

BONNIE
No, it’s fine.  I’m sorry.  You don’t have to show me.  I didn’t mean to offend you.

CRYSTAL
No, hon.  Seriously.  I promise, it’s not drugs.  Look in the bag.

[BONNIE cautiously looks in the bag.  It is completely stuffed with Hershey’s chocolate bars.  BONNIE takes one out and holds it up.  CRYSTAL is ashamed.]

CRYSTAL (cont.)
I’m sorry.  I have a problem.

BONNIE
Your problem is…chocolate?

CRYSTAL
I can’t help it.  I can’t stop eating it.  I guess I’m what you’d call a…chocoholic.

BONNIE
Oh, Crystal, this whole time I thought you were an addict.

CRYSTAL
I am an addict.  I’m addicted to chocolate.

BONNIE
Well, if you have to be addicted to something, that’s not a bad way to go.

CRYSTAL
No, it’s really bad!  It’s all I can think about.  Look at my pathetic ass.  I’m sneaking out in the middle of the night to go to the Seven-Eleven and buy Hershey’s bars.  I’m so addicted, I’ll probably eat all that by tomorrow.

BONNIE
I don’t know what to say…

CRYSTAL
What?  Just say it, whatever you’re thinking.

BONNIE
This wasn't very predictable.

CRYSTAL
It’s not like I asked for this.

BONNIE
It’s okay.  You don’t need to feel ashamed.

CRYSTAL
I dunno, hon, it’s pretty embarrassing.

BONNIE
Crystal, we’re officially friends now.  It doesn’t bother me.  We can still be friends, even if you have a chocolate problem.  That’s what friendship’s all about, isn’t it?  Acceptance?

CRYSTAL
Really, you’re not gonna judge me?  I feel like everyone’s always judging me.

BONNIE
You didn’t judge me for my books and my pajamas.  Why should I judge you for your chocolate?

CRYSTAL
You know, you’re pretty cool, Subway Lady.

[The car doors open.  CRYSTAL stands.]

CRYSTAL (cont.)
This is my stop.

BONNIE
You’re leaving?  Well, it sure was lovely to meet you.

CRYSTAL
You too.

[CRYSTAL tosses BONNIE a chocolate bar.  She zips her bag.]

CRYSTAL (cont.)
See ya later, sister.

[She exits and the car doors close.]

BONNIE
(giggles)
Huh.  Sister.

[BONNIE unwraps the chocolate bar and takes a bite.

End.]