A Party

Scarlett Schrammel 

ELIZABETH, host and wife of JOSEPH. Really went all out on her attire, her red dress is past her knees, and her short hair is slicked back in long waves. 

JOSEPH, husband of ELIZABETH. Wearing an old-fashioned suit with a red rose as a boutonniere. 

MURRAY, a friend of JOSEPH. Wearing a suit. 

ALEXIS, an acquaintance of JOSEPH/ELIZABETH. Wearing dress pants and a button down. Hair is shoulder length and in a ponytail. 

2-3 other guests, friends of ELIZABETH + JOSEPH. All dress relatively nice and somewhat old-fashioned. (One of these guests is MAX- sort of appears as a stoner, drug user)

BUTLERS/MAIDS

At rise,  1950’s themed dinner party. A dimly lit room with floral wallpaper and tasseled chairs. A dinet with a large brown table adorned in old-fashioned decor. All guests, who are pouring in, are adorned similarly. The stage is partially dinet, and partially entryway/door. There is a thick wall and door, so when the door is closed, people don’t know what is happening on the other side. 

(ELIZABETH and JOSEPH welcome guests in with smiles. The door is placed on stage left, and all guests enter from stage left).

ELIZABETH

Well, isn’t this lovely! I‘m so glad to have you all. (Gesture to basket) Everyone, please make sure all of your handy little cell phones are in this basket for the whole evening! 

(All attending guests put their phones into a basket). 

(GUESTS praise ELIZABETH on the party and she thanks them).

ELIZABETH

It’s going to be a while until dinner, so I  advise you all try these mints! They’re my favorite kind. 

(She holds out a basket and every attending guest takes and eats a mint, while still holding the phone basket).

(Once done handing out mints, ELIZABETH walks over to Alexis and greets her). 

ELIZABETH

Oh, ALEXIS! I‘m so glad you could make it. 

(ALEXIS walks up and sets phone in basket reluctantly).

(ALEXIS grabs a mint and tries it. She grimaces very obviously as if it has a strange taste).

ALEXIS

(stolidly)

Hey, it’s nice seeing you. I  like ALEX more, though.

(ALEXIS wanders to the table).

(MURRAY approaches ELIZABETH, who is putting the basket into a drawer in the dinet. She locks it without him noticing. She sets the bowl of mints onto the counter above the drawer). 

MURRAY

Aw, c’mon, Lizzy. I  wanna play into your themed parties, but what if the missus needs me? I  need my phone. 

ELIZABETH

Nonsense, MURRAY! I  have no idea what this “cell phone” thing you’re talking of is. If she needs, she’ll ring the parlor. 

(ELIZABETH shoos MURRAY to his seat, and all of the other guests join them. ELIZABETH walks to her seat, stays standing, picks up an empty champagne glass, and clinks it). 

ELIZABETH

Esteemed guests! I  hope you’re all excited to join me for dinner tonight! We will feature 5 courses, and for the men later, cigars and whiskey. 

(Still holding glass and knife).

ALEXIS (ALEX)

(ticked off, disbelief)

You’re sh*tting me, right? Why do old-timey-themed parties still have to have sexism? Why can’t I  have a damned cigar? 

(ELIZABETH frowns).

ELIZABETH

(scolding)

Well, that isn’t very ladylike. I  think you should go powder your nose, Miss ALEXIS. Take a moment to cool down. After dinner, us ladies will have our own fun! 

(ELIZABETH is still holding glass and knife).

(ALEXIS stands and slams her hands on the table).

ALEXIS

(angrier)

For Chrissakes, ELIZABETH. My name is ALEX. I‘m out. This is just too much. 

(ALEXIS walks over to the drawer the phones are in. She tugs, but the cabinet is locked. She tugs more and more with no luck). 

ALEXIS

(disgruntled, irritated)

C’mon, ELIZABETH. Fork over the keys. 

ELIZABETH

(sort of scarily, but with a smile plastered on)

Aw, ALEXIS, can’t we just have a nice night? Get back in your seat. Please. 

(ELIZABETH is still holding glass and knife).

(ALEXIS is visibly upset at being called ALEXIS).

(MURRAY stands and inches toward ELIZABETH, hands out in a safe approach)

MURRAY

(pleadingly) 

Hey, hey, no need to fight. Why not compromise? I  think your phone rule is a little excessive, ELIZABETH. Why don’t you apologize and tone it down a little? 

ELIZABETH

(shouting, but nicely?)

What do you mean, compromise? This is real life! Why are you all so unreasonable? Let’s just have a nice party! 

(ELIZABETH is still holding the glass and the knife. She slams her hands down in anger and the glass shatters on the edge of the table. Some guests still at the table scream/jump).

(JOSEPH gets up and walks toward ElIZABETH).

JOSEPH

Dear, I  don’t think this is something you can force them to do. Let’s just let this go, okay? 

(JOSEPH puts his hand on ELIZABETH’s shoulder. She shoves him off and, with the steak knife still in her hand, stabs JOSEPH in the chest. His white button-down fills with blood and he begins coughing. He falls to the floor, face down, and blood spills from his front. All guests scream).

(ELIZABETH stares at her husband in disbelief. Her face warps from shock).

ELIZABETH

Look at what you’ve made me do! My own husband! My poor JOSEPH! 

(ELIZABETH falls to the floor over JOSEPH’s body and weeps).

(All other guests are staring at ELIZABETH in silence. They dash out of the dinet, and close the door behind them. All of the doors inside the house are locked and cannot be unlocked without ELIZABETH’s keys)

(The guests cannot see the dinet. In the dinet, which the audience can see, ELIZABETH drags JOSEPH across the stage and off stage right. Phony JOSEPH, someone who looks similar to JOSEPH, but isn’t JOSEPH, appears and they begin walking toward the entryway).

MURRAY

Goddamnit, she must have the only set of keys. 

(MURRAY tries the doorknob excessively with no luck).

(Guests, trying to escape, hear ELIZABETH wail, and her footsteps approach them). 

(All guests act distressed).

ALEXIS

(wailing, makeup smeared down face)

Oh my God guys. I‘m so sorry. This has all gotta be my fault.

MURRAY

This definitely isn’t your fault. It’s okay. 

MAX (GUEST)

(relatively nonchalant)

This definitely wasn’t how I  thought I‘d die.

(ELIZABETH’s slow walk approaches the group of guests, high heels clacking in suspense. ALEXIS and MURRAY hug, knowing their fate comes soon).

(All other guests avert their eyes as ELIZABETH comes behind ALEXIS AND MURRAY in their embrace). 

(Elizabeth, blood on her hands, taps MURRAY’s shoulder).

ELIZABETH

(cheerily)

Surprise! Did I  get ya!? 

(JOSEPH smiles and waves, standing next to her).

(All guests are in disbelief).

PHONY JOSEPH

That was pretty good, honey, that was a good act! Did you guys like it? 

(Something seems sort of off about JOSEPH, as he is a phony.The guests don't notice).

(The guests are still shocked, jaws nearly on the floor). 

ELIZABETH

I  know that was quite a shock, but I  hope it was fun for you! It certainly was for us. Are we ready for dinner? 

(The guests all look amongst themselves). 

MURRAY

Well… What are we having? 

ELIZABETH

(still playing into the 50s theme)

Wonderful question, MURRAY! Our first course is pan-seared lamb chops with rosemary and potatoes. How does that sound?

(All of the guests nod and grumble, pleased). 

(With that response, ELIZABETH smiles warmly and shoos guests to their seats. They move from the door on stage left to the dinet. There is still a large bloodstain on the floor. The red blood marks have changed from a puddle, and looks like a body has been dragged/smeared into the kitchen).

(ALEXIS walks up and notices but shrugs it off).

ELIZABETH

I  know this is a tricky ask, but please ignore the stain for now. It will be cleaned when we move to the parlor later. 

(The food comes out, brought by the BUTLER/MAID, and is fragrant and delicious, and any troubles the guests had seems to melt away. The food is not lamb chops, though).

(Table remains silent as everyone eats for a little while).

(ELIZABETH isn’t eating her food. Her plate remains untouched. JOSEPHS is picked over, food cut and spread).

MURRAY

Uh, ELIZABETH? JOSEPH? The dinner isn’t… to your taste? 

(An awkward silence falls over the guests as they all watch ELIZABETH. She meets eyes with MURRAY, and for a while just too long, stares at him with a blank expression).

ELIZABETH 

(snaps into reality) 

Oh, esteemed guests, I‘m sorry for not partaking in the meal. I  was merely distracted. I  don’t have a knife!

(She steps up from her seat and walks to the blood stain. She bends over to grab a knife from the pile of blood and wipes her dress to straighten it out. She still has blood on her hands from the initial stabbing. The blood on the knife transfers to her hand and to her dress. She walks gracefully to her seat, and sits. All of the guests stare at her, as she moves slowly and acts like what she is doing is completely normal. She begins to cut her lamb chop, blood spreading all over it, and begins to bring the forkful of food to her mouth, but halts when she looks up at everyone staring at her).

ELIZABETH

(with an apologetic smile, on the chipper side)

Oh! I  seem to have made another mess. I‘m very sorry. I‘m afraid I  cannot eat this.

ALEXIS

(very seriously)

Why did you do that, ELIZABETH? Why did you ruin your food on purpose? Why won’t you eat it?

ELIZABETH

(Hesitates)... Well, it appears I‘ve been caught. I  wanted to have fun with this party in two ways. You’ve experienced my first surprise, but I  want you all to know of the second. 

(ELIZABETH gets up from the dining table and walks to the other side of the dinet, where one of the decorative dressers holds the bowl of mints).

ELIZABETH

Remember those mints you ate earlier? Felt a little different after you had them? 

(everyone pauses, as no one can figure it out).

MAX

(slurred)

Oh shit. Man, that was definitely laced. 

ELIZABETH

Just why I  invited you, MAX. I  knew you’d realize! 

(Everyone sits there and looks at ELIZABETH). 

ELIZABETH

Since you’re hopped up on hallucinogens, you never noticed that that isn’t JOSEPH! (points to phony JOSEPH). You never noticed that something in this room is JOSEPH. 

(ALEXIS stares at ELIZABETH, with a slight grimace on her face. Suddenly, her eyes go wide, and she looks at the food on her plate). 

(ALEXIS turns away from the audience and bends over. She begins barfing out JOSEPH). 

(All of the guests are nervous and frantic).

MURRAY 

What is it, ALEXIS? What do you know? What’s wrong with you?! 

(MURRAY runs over to ALEXIS and rubs her back).

(ALEXIS finishes throwing up and whimpers).

(All of the guests snap out of their reverie and come back to real life).

ALEXIS

(quietly)

The lamb… wasn’t lamb. It was JOSEPH. 

MURRAY

(frantic)

What do you mean? ALEXIS! WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

ALEXIS

(wailing)

ELIZABETH LIED! SHE KILLED JOSEPH AND WE ATE HIM!

(ELIZABETH pulls a chair out from the table, sits down, and giggles).

MURRAY

Why would you do that?! Why would you kill your own husband! 

(ELIZABETH looks at her nails and sighs).

ELIZABETH

Why does anyone crazy do anything? I  was just bored, I  guess. Especially since none of you played along with my party. So… Yeah. 

MURRAY

No… This isn’t like you… 

(ELIZABETH shrugs again). 

ELIZABETH

So… What happens next? 

(All of the guests don’t know how to reply. An awkward silence once more).

MURRAY

What does that even mean? What happens next? You KILLED SOMEONE!

ELIZABETH

Yeah, I  did. And you ate him high on hallucinogens. So… Will you call the cops? Or just go home? 

MAX

Man, I‘m on parole. I‘m going home. Just know, ELIZABETH- that’s so messed up. 

(ELIZABETH shrugs again).

(MAX exists through the front door on the stage left).

ALEXIS

(tears streaming down her face)

I‘m calling the cops. You fed me the drugs! You did this!

(ALEXIS reaches for her pocket, where she realizes she still doesn’t have her phone).

ALEXIS

You said we can call the cops. Give us our phones! Please! 

ELIZABETH

Ugh, that was the lamest option. Could you pick another one? Prison is certainly boring. 

(MURRAY stands there in disbelief watching the situation. ELIZABETH’s comment causes him to act).

MURRAY

You crazy b*tch! Let us out! 

(MURRAY grabs one of the steak knives and runs toward ElIZABETH. She struggles in no sort, and accepts her fate. MURRAY brutally stabs ELIZABETH repeatedly, until she is certainly dead).

(MURRAY pants after his murder, and falls backward after doing it). 

MURRAY

Oh my God. I  killed her. I‘m just as bad as her! 

(MURRAY puts his head in his hands).

ALEXIS

No, you’re not. You did what you needed to do. 

(All of the guests thank MURRAY).  

(MURRAY grabs the keys from ELIZABETH, unlocks the

phone cabinet, and passes out phones).

MURRAY 

(dialing on his phone)

(To guests) Come on, lets go outside while we wait for the police. (On phone) Hello, I‘d like to report a crime.

(All guests stagger/stumble off stage through the front door).