Letting It Go


June 10th, 1999

The past few weeks have been, well tough. I know writing in a journal is lame, but my mom has forced me to write down my “feelings” so I do not keep them all cooped up inside. So, why not give this whole writing in a journal thing a shot?

Being the only child now is rough, having no one to talk to or hangout with is slowly dragging me into a deep hole and one that I can’t seem to escape. My parents are starting to worry about me, and honestly I don’t blame them. My weight has dropped rapidly, I wake up from terrible nightmares at least four times a week. It’s getting worse and that little person inside of me just wants to stop trying. I don’t know what to do anymore; I’m lost and lonely and just left with no one and nothing. My life hasn’t always been this way. I used to be really happy and embrace life. Then, I started to get bad, as soon as my sister died. Lana was ten at the time and I was fourteen. We were two peas in a pod. Usually, when you have siblings, you hear stories of them not getting along and fighting all the time, but things were different between Lana and I. We couldn’t be any closer. Whenever I was sad or stressed out, I would go to my room and just sit there and cry. Lana would come over to me and sit on the side of the bed. Carefully with her soft hands hold on to mine and whisper “Be happy.” Whenever she would say that I knew she meant it. Then all the pain and stress would flow away. Lana and I lived with my two parents Arnie and
Letting It Go


June 10th, 1999

The past few weeks have been, well tough. I know writing in a journal is lame, but my mom has forced me to write down my “feelings” so I do not keep them all cooped up inside. So, why not give this whole writing in a journal thing a shot?

Being the only child now is rough, having no one to talk to or hangout with is slowly dragging me into a deep hole and one that I can’t seem to escape. My parents are starting to worry about me, and honestly I don’t blame them. My weight has dropped rapidly, I wake up from terrible nightmares at least four times a week. It’s getting worse and that little person inside of me just wants to stop trying. I don’t know what to do anymore; I’m lost and lonely and just left with no one and nothing. My life hasn’t always been this way. I used to be really happy and embrace life. Then, I started to get bad, as soon as my sister died. Lana was ten at the time and I was fourteen. We were two peas in a pod. Usually, when you have siblings, you hear stories of them not getting along and fighting all the time, but things were different between Lana and I. We couldn’t be any closer. Whenever I was sad or stressed out, I would go to my room and just sit there and cry. Lana would come over to me and sit on the side of the bed. Carefully with her soft hands hold on to mine and whisper “Be happy.” Whenever she would say that I knew she meant it. Then all the pain and stress would flow away. Lana and I lived with my two parents Arnie and


Letting It Go


June 10th, 1999

The past few weeks have been, well tough. I know writing in a journal is lame, but my mom has forced me to write down my “feelings” so I do not keep them all cooped up inside. So, why not give this whole writing in a journal thing a shot?

Being the only child now is rough, having no one to talk to or hangout with is slowly dragging me into a deep hole and one that I can’t seem to escape. My parents are starting to worry about me, and honestly I don’t blame them. My weight has dropped rapidly, I wake up from terrible nightmares at least four times a week. It’s getting worse and that little person inside of me just wants to stop trying. I don’t know what to do anymore; I’m lost and lonely and just left with no one and nothing. My life hasn’t always been this way. I used to be really happy and embrace life. Then, I started to get bad, as soon as my sister died. Lana was ten at the time and I was fourteen. We were two peas in a pod. Usually, when you have siblings, you hear stories of them not getting along and fighting all the time, but things were different between Lana and I. We couldn’t be any closer. Whenever I was sad or stressed out, I would go to my room and just sit there and cry. Lana would come over to me and sit on the side of the bed. Carefully with her soft hands hold on to mine and whisper “Be happy.” Whenever she would say that I knew she meant it. Then all the pain and stress would flow away. Lana and I lived with my two parents Arnie and
Charlotte Rossen in Barlow Kentucky, a small town in Ballard County. Lana and I were out roaming the barn like we always do. The sun was up high in the sky and today was the hottest day of the year. Lana and I were laying in the cool barn on top of the hay, when we smelt something burning. In the corner of the barn we saw a flame starting to arise. I grabbed her the by the hand and ran for the front door. It was locked shut, the latch on the outside must have fallen over when I closed the door! I tried and tried to yank the door open with all my might but, it just wouldn’t budge! I started to hyperventilate and pictured myself dying in this barn. Then I remembered that I couldn’t just give up, I had to get myself and Lana out of there. The flames started to engulf the whole entire barn, and smoke filled my lungs. There was no way out and I needed to get Lana out of there. She said to me, “Christy we’re going to get out of here right?” Tears filled my eyes, “Yes, we are. Scream, yell, do anything to try and draw more attention to have people know we’re in here!” I then remembered the windows. I grabbed a horse shoe that was nearby and threw it at the top window. The window shattered and pieces fell to the ground. “Come on lets go!” I grabbed her by the hand and we ran for the top floor of the barn. As we were getting to the window, the ceiling started to collapse. The last thing I saw was the look of terror on Lana’s face.


June 16th, 1999

It’s almost been a week since I wrote in here, I just couldn’t continue writing after that. Yet, I think I’m ready to write about it some more.
Charlotte Rossen in Barlow Kentucky, a small town in Ballard County. Lana and I were out roaming the barn like we always do. The sun was up high in the sky and today was the hottest day of the year. Lana and I were laying in the cool barn on top of the hay, when we smelt something burning. In the corner of the barn we saw a flame starting to arise. I grabbed her the by the hand and ran for the front door. It was locked shut, the latch on the outside must have fallen over when I closed the door! I tried and tried to yank the door open with all my might but, it just wouldn’t budge! I started to hyperventilate and pictured myself dying in this barn. Then I remembered that I couldn’t just give up, I had to get myself and Lana out of there. The flames started to engulf the whole entire barn, and smoke filled my lungs. There was no way out and I needed to get Lana out of there. She said to me, “Christy we’re going to get out of here right?” Tears filled my eyes, “Yes, we are. Scream, yell, do anything to try and draw more attention to have people know we’re in here!” I then remembered the windows. I grabbed a horse shoe that was nearby and threw it at the top window. The window shattered and pieces fell to the ground. “Come on lets go!” I grabbed her by the hand and we ran for the top floor of the barn. As we were getting to the window, the ceiling started to collapse. The last thing I saw was the look of terror on Lana’s face.


June 16th, 1999

It’s almost been a week since I wrote in here, I just couldn’t continue writing after that. Yet, I think I’m ready to write about it some more.
Charlotte Rossen in Barlow Kentucky, a small town in Ballard County. Lana and I were out roaming the barn like we always do. The sun was up high in the sky and today was the hottest day of the year. Lana and I were laying in the cool barn on top of the hay, when we smelt something burning. In the corner of the barn we saw a flame starting to arise. I grabbed her the by the hand and ran for the front door. It was locked shut, the latch on the outside must have fallen over when I closed the door! I tried and tried to yank the door open with all my might but, it just wouldn’t budge! I started to hyperventilate and pictured myself dying in this barn. Then I remembered that I couldn’t just give up, I had to get myself and Lana out of there. The flames started to engulf the whole entire barn, and smoke filled my lungs. There was no way out and I needed to get Lana out of there. She said to me, “Christy we’re going to get out of here right?” Tears filled my eyes, “Yes, we are. Scream, yell, do anything to try and draw more attention to have people know we’re in here!” I then remembered the windows. I grabbed a horse shoe that was nearby and threw it at the top window. The window shattered and pieces fell to the ground. “Come on lets go!” I grabbed her by the hand and we ran for the top floor of the barn. As we were getting to the window, the ceiling started to collapse. The last thing I saw was the look of terror on Lana’s face.


June 16th, 1999

It’s almost been a week since I wrote in here, I just couldn’t continue writing after that. Yet, I think I’m ready to write about it some more.
Charlotte Rossen in Barlow Kentucky, a small town in Ballard County. Lana and I were out roaming the barn like we always do. The sun was up high in the sky and today was the hottest day of the year. Lana and I were laying in the cool barn on top of the hay, when we smelt something burning. In the corner of the barn we saw a flame starting to arise. I grabbed her the by the hand and ran for the front door. It was locked shut, the latch on the outside must have fallen over when I closed the door! I tried and tried to yank the door open with all my might but, it just wouldn’t budge! I started to hyperventilate and pictured myself dying in this barn. Then I remembered that I couldn’t just give up, I had to get myself and Lana out of there. The flames started to engulf the whole entire barn, and smoke filled my lungs. There was no way out and I needed to get Lana out of there. She said to me, “Christy we’re going to get out of here right?” Tears filled my eyes, “Yes, we are. Scream, yell, do anything to try and draw more attention to have people know we’re in here!” I then remembered the windows. I grabbed a horse shoe that was nearby and threw it at the top window. The window shattered and pieces fell to the ground. “Come on lets go!” I grabbed her by the hand and we ran for the top floor of the barn. As we were getting to the window, the ceiling started to collapse. The last thing I saw was the look of terror on Lana’s face.


June 16th, 1999

It’s almost been a week since I wrote in here, I just couldn’t continue writing after that. Yet, I think I’m ready to write about it some more.
When I woke up, I found myself in a hospital bed wrapped in bandages. I looked to the side and saw my father holding my mother tight. My dad turned to me and shook my mom a little.

She lifted her head up and saw my face. I stared at my mom, not saying anything, My mom seemed as if she were in pain. Why had she been crying? I tried to speak and nothing escaped my lips. My dad rushed over, “Honey just rest, go back to sleep.” But, I didn’t want to sleep. I looked at my body covered with gauze and blood. I turn to my dad and saw the sorrow in his eyes. I remembered what had happened, it had just all rushed at me at once. I could tell that majority of my body had been burned, because of the patches of skin that had been covered up with gauze. Observing my body up and down, I was in shock of what had become of it. I looked around to see if Lana was there, but she wasn’t. I gathered the little strength I had to croak out the question “Mom, where’s Lana?” My mom stood up, walked over to my bedside very slowly and sat down. “Christy, your sister died in the fire.” You would’ve expected me to start crying immediately right? No, I sat there like an idiot, not saying anything. “Christy? I know this is a lot to take in right now, but all of us will get through this together. As a family.” I didn’t know what to say. I mean what could I say? I laid my head against the pillow and tears rose into my eyes. “Mom, please tell me that you’re lying, please.” My mom stared at me and ran her hands through my hair “Christy, I wish I was lying.” How could this happen, why did Lana have go and not me! I started to cry. I couldn’t hold it in anymore.

“Mom why couldn’t it be me! Why didn’t you save her!
Honey don’t say that, there was nothing I could do. The doctors did everything that they could.”

“No! No mom please don’t tell me she’s dead!”

She held my face and caressed it in her tender hands, “Chris, she’s gone.”


June 20th, 1999

Pretty much the next couple weeks that I stayed in the hospital, I was utterly silent.The constant Beep beep beep of the machine became the stable part in my life. I wouldn’t eat and I started to lose so much weight that I had to be put on IV. I stared at the wall a lot and just remembered all the good times I had with Lana. I could honestly say that Lana was my best friend, and now that she was gone, what was I going to do?

My parents were in pretty bad shape, especially my mom. She didn’t go to work at all. She stayed with me the whole entire time to keep me company. Everyday went by slowly. My mom tried talking to me but, I just couldn’t say much, and I know that it hurt her. I had never asked my parents how Lana died. Then when I was with my mom, like every other day I decided to ask her. “Mom, can you tell me what happened to Lana?” She let out a mournful sigh, “When your father and I smelt the smoke, we ran outside as fast as we could and we saw the barn up in flames, your dad sent me to call 911, he ran to the barn to see if you were in there. When your dad got there, he
Honey don’t say that, there was nothing I could do. The doctors did everything that they could.”

“No! No mom please don’t tell me she’s dead!”

She held my face and caressed it in her tender hands, “Chris, she’s gone.”


June 20th, 1999

Pretty much the next couple weeks that I stayed in the hospital, I was utterly silent.The constant Beep beep beep of the machine became the stable part in my life. I wouldn’t eat and I started to lose so much weight that I had to be put on IV. I stared at the wall a lot and just remembered all the good times I had with Lana. I could honestly say that Lana was my best friend, and now that she was gone, what was I going to do?

My parents were in pretty bad shape, especially my mom. She didn’t go to work at all. She stayed with me the whole entire time to keep me company. Everyday went by slowly. My mom tried talking to me but, I just couldn’t say much, and I know that it hurt her. I had never asked my parents how Lana died. Then when I was with my mom, like every other day I decided to ask her. “Mom, can you tell me what happened to Lana?” She let out a mournful sigh, “When your father and I smelt the smoke, we ran outside as fast as we could and we saw the barn up in flames, your dad sent me to call 911, he ran to the barn to see if you were in there. When your dad got there, he
Honey don’t say that, there was nothing I could do. The doctors did everything that they could.”

“No! No mom please don’t tell me she’s dead!”

She held my face and caressed it in her tender hands, “Chris, she’s gone.”


June 20th, 1999

Pretty much the next couple weeks that I stayed in the hospital, I was utterly silent.The constant Beep beep beep of the machine became the stable part in my life. I wouldn’t eat and I started to lose so much weight that I had to be put on IV. I stared at the wall a lot and just remembered all the good times I had with Lana. I could honestly say that Lana was my best friend, and now that she was gone, what was I going to do?

My parents were in pretty bad shape, especially my mom. She didn’t go to work at all. She stayed with me the whole entire time to keep me company. Everyday went by slowly. My mom tried talking to me but, I just couldn’t say much, and I know that it hurt her. I had never asked my parents how Lana died. Then when I was with my mom, like every other day I decided to ask her. “Mom, can you tell me what happened to Lana?” She let out a mournful sigh, “When your father and I smelt the smoke, we ran outside as fast as we could and we saw the barn up in flames, your dad sent me to call 911, he ran to the barn to see if you were in there. When your dad got there, he
ran in into the barn ignoring the smoke and went looking for you. He saw you lying unconscious on the floor of the barn and saw that you were badly hurt. When he looked around for Lana he couldn’t find her. He yelled for her as loud as he could, then the barn started to collapse. He grabbed you and took you out of the barn. The smoke became too much for your dad, and he had an asthma attack. When the fire department arrived they went into the building looking for Lana, they came back out with her and put her in the ambulance and put you in the other. Your dad was treated and went with you and I went with Lana. As soon as we arrived they took Lana away to treat her, along with you. The doctors said you would be fine. They said that you were burnt from the flames. He then told us that Lana had been crushed by the falling debris that had been fallen onto her rib cage that punctured her lungs, rendering her unable to breathe.”

I sat there and listened to my mom. As she was talking, thoughts ran through my head wondering if there was anything I could have done to save her.


June 26th, 1999

I walked out of the hospital feeling cold and empty. Going home and realizing that Lana would not be there and returning to an empty room was unbearable to think about. “Christy, if there is anything that you need, please let me know.” My mom looked at me with worry in her
eyes, “Yes mom, I will.” I collapse down on my bed and something grabs my attention. I glance to my left and see nothing. I close my eyes and try to sleep. Plop! My body props up and I look to my left. Then I see Lana. Her brown curly hair, her soft tender cheeks and shes wearing her favorite purple dress. My eyes are wide open, I stare at her with my mouth shut. Her hazel eyes look at me, but something looked different about her. Her body wasn’t solid, it was translucent. She was smiling her cheerful smile and slowly walked towards me. I froze. I couldn’t say anything, my body felt cold as ice. Lana glided over to my bed and sat on the side of it. Her face was peaceful and happy, like the child she always was. Her hand reached out to mine and took hold of it. Raising my head our eyes locked. Lana stretches her hand out to mine and holds it. Tears start to form in my eyes and she mouths to me “Be happy.” and vanishes. Just like that she was gone. Tears stream down my face. Then, I wipe them away immediately. Lana had just told me to be happy. Everything just clicked.

I realized that she was fine and she was content with where she was. She didn’t want me to put the death of her onto my shoulders. She wanted me to let go. Laying on my bed, I decided to keep the conversation with Lana to myself, “I love you Lana.” I closed my eyes and fell asleep.


July 7th, 1999

Since seeing Lana, I’ve been going to school, talking to friends and my parents again. My mom and dad are still not the same, but trying to form back the relationship with my parents is slowly coming back together. Chips are starting to fall back into place and I don’t really feel the need to continue to write in this journal anymore. Now that I know Lana is happy, I can finally let go.