I swayed back and forth, my legs quivering, ready to give out from the thirty-mile line that dissolved to ten. The whole town gathered at the court house to be judged on their usefulness in the salt mines on the planet Smurfzonian. Their faces varied from fidgety panic to longing depression. You see, the Zumpumwumps are an intelligent alien species that resemble a bullfrog mixed with a black anaconda, covered in abstruse slime with piercing red eyes you could see from the bottom of the Atlantic. They smell like they belong in a sewer, and sound like your stomach at ten thirty when you didn’t eat breakfast that morning.

Even with all our differences, they seemed to speak English fluently. I witnessed the alien overlord make a statement on Fox news the moment they crashed down. “Attention! All humans will be interrogated for their usefulness to our newly developed salt mines in this building behind me,” he gestured to the untouched court house surrounded by the crater left from their landing. “Any and all humans who refuse will be hunted down and forced to work without an interrogation until death. That is all.”
My mom was working when this was televised and I’m not ‘in touch’ with my dad. The one time I met my dad, he wasn’t very chipper to see me. I’d like to think that it was because my mom didn’t tell him I existed, until that moment, but I know it’s really because my mom was the other women and I was the product of their forbidden love. That issue was pretty touchy in the Adams house hold.
Frozen, I sunk into the couch with an icy Dr. Pepper melting in my palm, until the severity of the situation cracked my windshield of denial. The last drop of caramel, carbonated soda slushed in the puddle on the hunter-green, fraying carpet, as my last shard of doubt smashed. Then I grabbed my phone and hiked up to the court house. My mom never liked that carpet anyway.
The line inched forward faster and faster, which meant people were running out of excuses or that the Zumpumwumps were getting more impatient by the minute. Either way it wasn’t a good sign. I began to prepare what I was going to say, but my heart trailed off predicting my mother’s ultimate demise. I realized my life meant nothing without my family and friends, and I will miss them like crazy.
Just then I recognized someone’s screaming and begging. My eyes shot right to the noise: it was my best friend Lana. There was a Zumpumwump dragging her from the woods straight to the ship. She must have been caught trying to hide. As I turned to look away, I noticed a tear stream down my face and slap the pavement. I quickly brushed the trail off, knowing I had to stay strong.
My legs asleep were now, marching forward at a steady pace as if the judging was somehow a routine. The wind had made my whole body numb: I should have grabbed my jacket, but grabbed my stupid phone… Duh, I could use my phone to contact my mom and friends! One call after another, all I got was dial tones. Of course, if I was going to take a town hostage, the first thing I would do is shut down all communication.
When I stood on my tiptoes, I could see the court room, so I looked to it for entertainment. I started to guess, based on their speeches, if the Zumpumwumps would allow them to stay, and I started to get good at it. Lucy’s feeble excuse that she had to feed her dumb cat Mr. Whiskers was way too weak for the overlord to accept. After listening to their sobbing and whimpering for about an hour, I turned into this cynical monster that booed and hissed at my neighbors. Little Kimberly Ann stepped forward. She was dressed in a lilac powder dress with a lace trim. Ribbons to match, in bows, contrast but flowed around her amber hair.
Immediately the overlord grunted, “Name and Plead?” She dropped to the floor and balled her crystal blue eyes out. A daunting chuckle barreled into my ears from the back of the court. I was flabbergasted when I registered the echoing voice as my own. How could I be so cruel? As others began to join in on the ridicule, I felt the weight of Kimmy’s damnation on my shoulders. Five people separated Kimberly and me, so I tried to buckle down and work on my explanation. That’s when my ADD kicked in and I couldn’t focus. Right then, dropping to the floor and weeping sounded pretty good.
The ferocious, green alien overlord smugly reclined on his royal thrown and listened to Tommie’s pathetic cowl. I realized I was up next and had nothing prepared, and that’s where it started to roll downhill. What did people who were spared say? A girl in my grade, Rebecca, was left alone because she was pregnant. Lucky slut. Hunter and Ashley double teamed theirs and made up some retched excuse that they could produce some fine specimen for the Zumpumwums to take to the salt mines later.
The gavel’s thud rang throughout the court room as he snarled then spit out the words, “YOU’RE SENTENCED TO THE SALT MINES. NEXT!” I tiptoed across the granite floor being sure not to look up into the soulless eyes of his majesty. The overlord glared conspicuously then spewed out the gargled words, “Name and plead?”
Somehow I managed to get out a pleasant greeting and my name. “Hello your Excellency, my name is Annabel Adams… I’m just a weak little sixteen year-old girl that would be unproductive in your salt mines. An-and the truth is the only thing that’s holding me back is… my loving mother. I would miss her terib-” He cut me off.
“Do you know the fate of your mother?”For the second time that day, this creature cracked my windshield. “Mrs. Adams? I have no time for these shenanigans today, and if that is your only problem, and you don’t know her fate, then I hereby sentence you to the-”
Unapologetically, I rudely interrupted, “But sir that’s actually not the only reason. I… Misspoke before, I mean…”
I pushed my tummy out and went for it, “I’m actually pregnant… With twins. I just didn’t want anyone to know because it’s kind of embarrassing.” Try totally humiliating! “But I don’t think the infinite void would be proper living conditions for my precious babies.” I nervously pronounced while nodding my head like a lunatic, and tightly gripping my belly.
“How pregnant are you?” The overlord seemed annoyed, but I’m pretty sure he believed me.
“Um, very pregnant, uh actually they are due soon. An- and their father and I would like their births to be down here on earth.” As I spun my web of lies longer and thinner a hush ebbed threw the crowd. The town at my back leaned forward to intently listen with doe eyes.
The pitch black sky was diluted by the green light tracing the ships border and illuminating on the naive mob. “Alright, who’s the father so that he might be spared too?” There he was, a respectful alien overlord, giving not only me but someone else, a get-out-of-jail-free card. Meanwhile, I stood there stammering, wishing I hadn’t brought up my imaginary baby daddy. I scanned the sickly crowd for a reasonable suitor, but I wasn’t quick enough.
He opened his snout, but I delivered before he could say anything. “O- Okay I’m not really pregnant. I only said that because… I’m on heavy drugs right now and the room is spinning! Ahhhhhhhhhhh!” The slippery floor made it easy for me to twist around in a flash.
“It’s only spinning because you’re twirling around in little circles. NOW STOP THAT! I have been more than reasonable with you Mrs. Adams. So do you or don’t you have an acceptable answer to excuse you from the salt mines?” Clumsily I used the heel of my Vans to create enough friction to stop half facing him and half facing the crowd. With his left eye twitching, he hunched over the podium.
There wasn’t a cricket or a pen in the world that could break the silence. “I’m sorry Mr. Overlord, sir, I, I just did all this because um, I’m aspiring to become an actress. Yup, that’s right!” It seemed like I was trying to convince myself more than him. “Oh, and I would just love an opportunity to entertain you, and the rest of the Zumpumwump’s, of course.”
He stroked his double chin for what seemed like decades then hesitantly the words rolled off his tongue. “I’m not sure if you’re telling me the truth about this actress thing or if you’re just crazy.” Is there a difference? “Either way I don’t want you up on Smurfzonian. I guess I could just leave you down here, but you should count on us dropping in on you from time to time.”
Inside, I was secretly jumping for joy, but I managed to stay composed on the outside, “I look forward to it sir.” I curtsied and triumphantly waltzed out of the court room.