I like the way you introduced the piece… sorta. The parallel structure was overdone. I’d change the first sentence to something as simple as “I remember…” and then merge it with the other one. Other than that it kind of works. Short and sweet, nice little introduction and a decent hook.

You use the word “pleasant” too much. You’re always saying “it was pleasant. This was pleasant. That life was pleasant” mix it up a little with other ways of saying the same thing, or better yet, create a nostalgic tone that makes the reader feel how pleasant that life was instead of telling them “oh yeah it was pleasant.” Try that especially in the prologue for a MUCH more effective introduction. Go into detail with a nostalgic tone about all her background info maybe. Or maybe you just want to keep the prologue as a memory. But no matter where you put this nostalgic tone, make sure you have it instead of “the past was pleasant”

“soldiers importing” If you’re describing their arrival, that’s not the right word to use. If you’re describing the fact that soldiers came and stay, GREAT job.

“I’m a pretty swift runner so I was able to run through the bloody battlefield, trying not to look at people that I knew, fighting, some being slain.”

A couple minor things about this sentence: first of all find a better word for “bloody” because it’s not a good adj and makes “bloody battlefield” look like a british curse or something lol. Secondly, put a period after “battle” (no puns intended haha) Then get rid of that passive voice and change it to “I tried not to look at the people I knew who were fighting, some dying.” Take out “being slain” because it just doesn’t fit. It’s passive tense and in my opinion, “slain” is a word that is obsolete or should be used in ways such “those who took up arms against the king were slain” stuff like that. Gotta give you props for the emotion you drew from such a small sentence though! That she is trying not to look at people she knows fighting and dying is really something that draws empathy to your protagonist from the reader.

“reached my house and dashed in the back of the shop unseen. You could feel the panic level rising thick in the air even in our usually seamlessly calm household.”

You don’t need “unseen” here I don’t think, because the reader can assume that since there’s nobody around or speaking that the elf chick was found. I also think “in” should be “to the back” (not sure though) Also, “You could feel the panic level…” this sentence needs some work. I’m not really a fan of it altogether but if you must keep it, introduce her Aunt Jade prior to the sentence, and then replace the “You” with “The panic level rose” or “I/We could feel…”

“I asked, my voice in a panic and my face still pink from running.” Take out “my voice in a panic” because if the reader can’t tell the elf chick is panicking, the reader is not reading. I would also say “my face flushed (pink, red, color of choice here) from running.”

“were my desperate and confused inquires.” Just delete that.

“Aye. I shall do your bidding,” does this fit along with the rest of the dialogue and the narration? Not really.

“black night” could just be night because I can’t think of any other color that night might be. Even if you’re going for some kind of symbolic contrast between the night (black) and her pale white skin, you can take out “black” and “white” because they are unnecessary adjs.

simon cowell feedback--you asked for it!

Overall I’d say this story says a lot about you as a writer. It shows your interest in fantasy, it shows that you are intelligent, and it shows that you are a pretty good writer. But this piece looks very much like a rough draft by a good writer who didn’t look at it very carefully. Either that or it shows someone who is becoming a good writer and experimenting with different techniques but nonetheless on the right path, but still has some nasty habits. The two things that you should work on most are the following: making sure that you don’t make things blatantly obvious to the reader by saying something like “the sky is dark outside in the black night.” Always remember that the reader usually should know what you meant by something unless that something was particularly confusing and in need of clarification. I didn’t see anything like that in this piece.  

The other thing is: don’t try to throw in words or phrases like “Aye. I shall do your bidding.” and “slain” that sound medieval just to give your story flavor, because it gives it a cheesy and corny bad flavor that doesn’t fit with the good language that you already have. Either always speak medieval (but lets face it, who wants to read something that sounds too much like Shakespeare, and who can actually write like that?) Or don’t do it at all.

The next post is my notes; specifics that I went over while reading this piece. Some of them might sound harsh--nothing personal lol. This is simon feedback and I see a lot of people making the same mistakes A LOT so dont worry :)

I really like it and don't worry about grammer, I've been known to have a really good story with hundreds of grammatical errors, THAT IS WHAT EDITORS ARE FORfor the talented authors that don't need to worry about the petty rules of grammer.

Now to the actual story, it was very good, I normally do not like prolouges but this was a very decent hook, I look forward to more.

THERE IS A BETTER VERSION IN THE WRITING FICTION FORUMS. I THINK SOME OF THE TENSE PROBLEMS ARE FIXED THERE.

THANKST