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How to Solve Every Conflict Ever
Land debates have dominated social conflicts for the 192,024 years that humankind has existed. Whether by divine birthright, previous land occupation, or a higher form of reservation like the call of “dibs”. This has caused many wars with unquantifiable casualties across many countries. Some of the most notable land disputes are Native Americans forced onto reservations by colonists, European imperialization of Africa for natural resources, and Israel and Palestine currently. Differing religious and ethical belief systems can exacerbate these conflicts and make them difficult to resolve. Many attempts have been made by great philosophers and proponents for peace, yet none have maintained efficacy. Until now. A new ideology is taking the world by storm: You’ll never disagree with someone if there’s no one to disagree with.
Mass genocide is increasingly frowned upon, so instead of removing the people altogether, the question becomes what to do with them. To answer this question, scientists from NASA, the European Space Agency, and the Canadian Space Agency propose a solution: Earth 2. Earth 2 is an exact replica of the big blue marble as we know it made from pioneering stem cell research and cutting-edge 3D fabrication technology. Earth’s natural resources will be doubled along with the land and oceans. Warring parties can occupy the exact same space without ever having to encounter the other.
Whether it be for legal, religious, or economic opportunities, the conflicts can be resolved thousands of miles away from each other. Some people may argue that the religious significance of the area will not be conserved. However, the delegation of which planet each group can occupy will be decided by a futuristic, evenly balanced, and equally probable coin toss. That way, neither group will know which planet they occupy because the Earths are a perfect clone of the other. The knowledge of who inhabits each earth will be kept confidential with military-grade security over NASA employees. The physical differences between the celestial bodies will be indistinguishable with no chance of finding out which is the original.
Some may think “Won’t moving to Earth 2 ruin the religious significance of the land?” That would be an issue, except for the fact that the cloning techniques match the atomic makeup exactly. There will be no way to distinguish the two. “Well, what about if more than two groups are fighting over land?” Don’t worry. The scientists have already thought of that too! They are already making plans for Earth 3, 4, and more. Each conflict can justify a new Earth until they are completely solved. Based on human nature, creating an infinite amount of Earth replicas, and exhausting each planet’s natural and human resources in the process is much easier than using our words.
Just like avocado toast, celebrities, and designer clothing, words were an old trend that had died out with the previous population. Using them is old-fashioned and archaic along with the other social norms and traditions of ancient people. A phrase that illustrates this point is “A picture is worth a thousand words.” Why would you use a thousand words to illustrate your point instead of just showing it? If you want something, why waste time trying to convince someone to give it up rather than just taking it? If they really wanted it, they would’ve protected it better or gotten a new one. This ideology was adopted by the civilizations that preceded the aforementioned population. Instead of negotiating land boundaries, the land was awarded to whoever showed the greatest display of force. These wars were not sustainable and caused strains on natural and human resources. That is why new planets make more sense to build.
Just last week I woke up from a surprisingly long nap. I started to read about the “Earth 2” proposal and all the differing opinions. The ethical and moral implications were being heavily debated by the EU and individuals. I think that it wouldn’t matter what people thought if they didn’t know if the change had occurred. I thought about the logistics of pulling that off. I was pretty content that it would be much too hard to do so. But ever since I will sometimes catch small signs: rocks outside crumbling spontaneously or animals walking sideways. They are never anything big – just small (hard to notice if you weren’t looking for them) details.
But I’m sure that’s unrelated.
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This was a satire piece I wrote for my English 102 class. We had to come up with an outlandish solution to a problem of our choice. This was a current event that I was interested in, and I was able to put a fun spin on it.