Sage

Breathe, just breathe. Everything's closing in, crushing me, tearing me to pieces and I’m drowning in myself. I feel the world loses balance and it’s falling, I’m falling through the darkness, pain and gloom and. . . 

I sit up in a dark room, drenched in cold sweat, shivering all over. It was just a dream, just a dream. But it’s the dream I’ve been trapped in for a year now, overtaking and trapping me inside my own fear. It’s worse on the bad days, the ones that I know will not care. So of course, this nightmare had to be the worst, the most deadly, the one that has initiated the worst day of my life. I don’t want to get up, but I find myself slipping out of bed merely to have something to occupy me. I slid down to the floor and wrap my arms around my knees. Today should be warm, it’s summer, but I’m still shivering, maybe more out of fear than from the cold. I try to imagine myself tonight, I don’t know where I’ll be, I don’t know who I’ll be. Can a person change in one day? On this day, yes. I barely look up when I hear the creak of the door as it opens, or when the gentle footsteps of my sister approach. She slides down next to me on the floor and mimics my curled up position.

“Hey, how are you doing?” Sky asks.

“Umm, okay.” I lie, she smiles faintly to show me I’m not fooling her.

“Is it really as bad as people say?” I ask, thinking about the stories I’ve heard: people going crazy from pure fear, unimaginable creatures, monsters, I shiver even more.

“It’s hard,” Sky admits, putting her arm around me, “but it’s not impossible, they want to test you, not kill you.” Somehow, her remark is comforting to me. I think back to two years ago, when Sky was thirteen, how she left, waving goodbye, wearing that impossible demeanor of resilience she always used to wear. She had come back, she was still Sky, but something was different, it was as if over the course of a day, she had managed to leave her childhood behind, to become a person who doesn’t need anyone else. Even though she’s always had me, and I’ve always, always had her, whenever she was needed, she would be right there, at my side. 

“Sometimes, during the test, fear can overcome you. You can’t let it. Push through, because I know you Sage, you’re one of the bravest people I have ever met.” Sky says with a kind of comforting firmness. I smile, even though it’s not true, I’m not brave. But I think about her words, can bravery mean pushing through fear? If it can, then maybe I have a chance, just a chance of passing this test. I lean my head against Sky’s shoulder and I think of every thirteen year old right now, also feeling this unimaginable fear, the kind that forces you to retreat within yourself, to curl yourself up and let the world keep on rolling as you are left alone, with only the fear. Out of all of us, only the ones they see fit to live in this society will pass and the others. . . no one knows, they simply disappear. 

“Come on,” Sky says, “we’ve gotta leave.”

“Can you stay with me? Till the last second?” I say refusing to let her go, clinging on to whatever vague comfort I have while the world seems to vanish. 

“Of course, till the very last second.” Sky says, she helps me up and leads me out of my room. I turn around one last time, trying to take it all in if this should be my last time seeing it. The unmade bed, stacks of books piled on top of each other, and the pictures that line the walls of birthdays and trips to the beach, vacations to nearby planets. I imprint them in my mind, taking notes of my life that after today, could change forever. When we get downstairs, my parents are patiently waiting, each with a hand on the shoulder of my younger brother, Will, dressed in his nicest clothes, staring at me with his big, warm, brown eyes. I take his hand and Sky takes mine and together we head outside to join the flow of people, walking through the streets to the tall, domed building in the very center of the city. It’s covered in a layer of pure gold, carved with stories of ancient myths that used to fascinate me. Now the legends seem only to be a reminder of what I am to face, and what I could be leaving behind. I know this is where we need to part, to say goodbye, but I don’t know if I can. My parents hug me and tell me everything will be okay, and that they love me. Their words wash over me, I can’t seem to hold anymore information, but they don’t have to say anything, I can feel their anxiety for me, this happens to me every time a person's emotions are particularly strong, I can feel them, not only know them, but absorb what people around me are experiencing.   Maybe I manage to mumble a few words back but I’m not sure, all I can focus on is the way Will’s and Sky’s hands hold mine, refusing to let me go, making it harder for me to say goodbye. It’s only when Sky puts her arms around me and holds me there that I come back to my senses enough to hear her whisper in my ear.

“Fear is your greatest enemy, but it is just that, an enemy, defeat it, overcome it, and you will have no obstacles.” She says, I can’t speak, a knot has found a home in my throat, but I can’t cry either, my eyes are too dry and tired. So I just nod, hoping she knows what I mean, that they all know what I mean, that I love them, to the end of a million galaxies and back. I can’t bear the thought that this could be the last time I see them, ever. A whole life ahead of me, gone. And with one last smile and a wave, they’re gone, swept up by the crowd. I stand there, trying to gather my thoughts up, and it’s several minutes before I manage to find my way to the group of us, thirteen year olds, all looking pale and sickly with fear, which, I guess, must be what I am looking like right now. Even though I had nothing for breakfast, I’m starting to feel nauseous and dizzy. I clasp my hands together, trying to focus on simply breathing. Seconds seem to last minutes, minutes seem to melt into hours. But finally the last group makes they’re way into the auditorium, and we are left standing, alone in the silence, with just ourselves, and the fear. I hear someone talking, probably making a speech about the apparent importance of this test to our society. How a working system can only be obtained if all its members are strong, brave, secure. Finally, a lazy hand waves us to the steps of the stage, hesitantly, we climb them, only to have the eyes of hundreds of people come to witness this round of contenders from our region leave. 

On the stage, stands a short, middle aged woman, dressed in a business-like jacket, who was most likely making the speech. She tells us, with a hint of pity in her voice, to form a line, at the front of which is “a gate”, a square, around the height of a door which is completely flat, with only light coming through. I try to be as far to the back of the line as I can without being last. It moves quickly, when a person walks through the gate, they don’t appear on the other side, they’re gone, they’re in another place, ready to start the test. I search the audience for my family, for one last glimpse of my favorite people, who I may never see again. But the line is going quickly, I’m getting close to the gate, I feel my heart picking up pace, beating loudly in my chest. My eyes dart back and forth, looking for Will’s curly hair, my mom's green eyes or the auburn hair Sky, my dad and I share. But they’re not there, I can’t find them, lost in a sea of waving hands and calling voices. But I’m almost there, one person in front of me, and I see them, mom waving excitedly, Will on dad's shoulders and Sky mouthing “good luck”. I face the gate, thinking of my life, everything that has ever happened to me, and how it already seems to be a separate part of my life, the first chapter, I give one last sigh, and step through, accepting the start of the second.

This place, the one I step into, is not the place I was expecting. I’m in a large hall, the ceiling stretching far above my head and expanding into a gigantic circular space holding tons of kids from all over the planet, standing in clumps or, occasionally, alone. Acting as supports, or possibly just decorations are the wide, sturdy stone pillars, ornately carved, attempting to depict luxury, but only succeeding to pierce a sense of uneasiness, and distrust through me. At last, the final people from the last region step through their gate. The room falls eerily silent, as we wait, wait, wait -

“Welcome contenders!” A voice masked with artificial cheerfulness echoes around the room making several people jump. I look around the room only to find that this apparent voice  is nowhere to be seen, the sound coming only from a pair of black speakers. “In a short couple of minutes, you will begin your test, in it, you will face certain fears you must overcome.” A couple of minutes? I try to calm myself but the fear is building itself up again, my hands are sweating resiliently and my heartbeat won’t slow down, I’m also beginning to feel slightly dizzy. “There are no rules, no time limit. Results will be based on the reactions of contenders. The test will begin in five, four” I begin to shake once again, “three,” I plant my feet on the ground, trying to steady myself, “two,” I squeeze my eyes shut, as if not seeing the world around me will close me off from it, “one.” Silence. The room is bursting full and buzzing with silence. After a few seconds I open my eyes a fraction, expecting to see monsters and horrors. But there’s nothing, and no one. The large room, which just a minute ago was filled with people, is now dark and empty. Empty except for me. The only other noticeable change to the room is a doorway, on the wall to my left, except there’s no door. Just blackness, solid, unmoving blackness. It drills holes of fear through my body, but I move, I have to move towards it. I stand in front of it, still shaking from head to toe. I search myself for the courage to step through, but all I find are frantic thoughts and crazed fear. But somewhere, somehow, I find Sky’s words “fear is your greatest enemy, defeat it, and you will have no obstacles.” I think about fear, how it is the one, singular most deadly weapon to ever exist, but also the weakest. I feel steadier, stronger, and with that, I step through the doorway. . .

I’m falling, spiraling towards the ground, I can’t find my voice, I can't even scream. 

I wake up surrounded by darkness in a small, cramped space. I’m in a room, small, close around me. No, no this isn’t happening. I’m in a memory, the worst one. It was just a year ago, I was so young, so naive. In a dark closet full of dark memories, trying desperately to win a game of hide and seek. I can feel it now, it’s starting, that now familiar feeling that the walls are closing in, tightening around me. Tearing me apart, suffocating me till I’m nothing, nothing at all in the universe. I’m falling apart. But I can’t. That was a year ago, I haven’t been able to go into any even slightly small spaces since. Fear has controlled me, taken over me. But I can’t let it, because if I do, it becomes me. And I can’t let that happen. I close my eyes and breathe, simply breathe. The world goes away, I look into myself, I find my memories of who I want to be. I am a person, with a life ahead of her, fear is my greatest enemy, and it has held me captive for far too long, but now it is time for me to defeat it, and I see myself slowly rising, through the gloom, darkness and fear. I give way to light, and I can feel myself again. I’m a person once again, standing in the tall, gigantic room. I haven’t changed, haven’t moved. Still in the same position, my eyes squeezed shut. But I’m different, somehow, I’ve changed. I can’t feel it anymore. That gloom that hangs over me, it’s gone, washed away. I can finally breathe, slow soothing breaths without constantly thinking which will be my last. Finally, when I’m ready I open my eyes. Half of the people in the room are moving, and the others are standing perfectly still, I guess they're still in the test. The people who are back aren’t talking. Maybe they’re different too, I don’t know. I look outside only to discover that outside it’s dark, while we began in the light. I don’t know how long the test took, but it didn’t feel like hours. Slowly, more and more people come back, and I sit till the very last one looking at the room, noticing how different it looks now, it’s a possibility. This morning it was the likely cause for pain. When the last person comes back, the gates all open up again, hesitantly everyone in my region makes their way through our gate. When I step through, I’m back on the stage, once again in front of all those people. At first mumbled conversion can be heard traveling around the room, but the second we enter, it goes silent, dead silent. I’ve only been to this part of the process once: the year Sky was doing it. There were always people who were sent away, dragged off by people in black suits. But right now, I see nothing remotely frightening. When we’re all through, the woman who made her speech walks out again and faces us.

“I will now read the contenders one by one and their results. Please step out when your name is called.” She says. “Kira Almarage.” She says. A girl, looking slightly terrified, takes a step forward. The woman pauses before she says, “safe, Kira Almarage, welcome to your future.” She walks off the stage to join her family in relief. The woman calls up two more kids, both announced as “safe”. 

“Alex Bavlin.” She calls, and a boy shaking from head to toe steps forward. She sighs then says, “denied.” A gasp flutters through the hall, the boy looks as if he is about to faint. Then they come, the people dressed in black, just two of them, strong, muscular, walking with a precise stride to their steps. They each grab one of the boy's arms and drag him out as he screams. Somewhere in the audience, someone bursts into tears. I can’t move. I’m shocked, a million questions flood my thoughts but I can only focus on the image of the boy's terrified face. Could that happen to me? Will it? The woman moves on promptly as if nothing happened, the next person is safe. But then - 

“Sage Bruneth.” I stop. The world is waiting, waiting for me, this is it, everything, there ever was, everything I’ve ever done, leading up to this moment, this second, my whole life. The woman squints at the paper, the reads uneasily, “this contender was denied due to unusual circumstances.” The breath is swept out of my body. My mind has gone blank. I can’t feel, even when two suited figures grab me by the arm and start to drag me away. But there’s someone pulling me back. She has surprisingly strong grip, and she pulls me towards her, refusing to let me go: Sky. Her voice rings out, loud and clear. 

“Wait. What do you mean ‘unusual circumstances?’” She asks, staring at the woman. I love Sky for her bravery, but I wish she would just let me go, it would make everything so much easier. I already feel like the world has abandoned me, having her still clinging on gives me hope. And hope is dangerous. 

“Ummmm well, even though the contender completed the task with relative ease, throughout the process she showed much more fear than the normal contender. 

“Yeah? Well that's because she’s an empath.” Sky says. For a second, I have no idea what she’s saying, but then it strikes me, I’ve always been able to feel other people's emotions. Did I today feel more than most people did? But how Sky knows is a mystery to me, but then again, have I ever been able to fully hide something from her? 

“She’s right,” I say, my voice growing louder with the second. “I can feel what other people can.” The woman looks as if she is considering me. Then she walks over to me, takes out a device with a long, thin menacing needle and pushes it into my arm. It comes out covered in blood. We watch her, waiting, Sky’s hand in mine, clutching it tightly. 

“Your case is being reconsidered.” She says after a short while. Now hope is running through my veins, and I hate it. But it’s better than bearing the desolation, the dreary, miserable resignation. The woman clears her throat and Sky puts her arm around me, “You are . . .” I want to close my eyes again, disappear, but not this time, I look her in the eye as she says, “. . . safe. Welcome to your future.” I nearly laugh, Sky does as she leads me off the stage. Mom and dad and Will come running and I wrap myself in their hugs, thinking about what I could have so easily lost. But  overcame fear, I conquered it. And today starts a new life. Because I understand now, I’m different, a whole new person, but that doesn’t necessarily have to be a bad thing. Because now that I have conquered fear, I can begin my life.