It’s done, there's no turning back now. There's so much I'm leaving behind. So much I'm starting. All of this is stemming from this one decision. This one decision to get on this plane and go back to California. The same place that I tried to desperately to get away from. The place where I could now start again, not start over, that would neglect the progress I've made, but to start again. The place where I could finally be with the one that saved me. The one I truly loved. The one whose name is Dwight. The place of my escape from a bad man, the place where I would finally say goodbye to a worse man, and the place where I would live a lovely life with yet another man, named Dwight.

The man I was running from is, my boyfri-, ex boyfriend, Jack. He can never hurt me again. I remember the last thing he said to me. He swore furious words that he would regret one day. Words that Dwight wouldn't say if his life depended on it. I remember the first night I was afraid of Jack. He had issues with anger. I could never be afraid of Dwight. I remember the first time he laid a hand on me. I was too quick to forgive him. I couldn't have ever known what it would lead to. Dwight could never hurt me. I remember when he first told me he loved me. I was so desperate for someone to love me. I knew he wasn't the best but I kept telling myself to settle. He manipulated me in more than just a few ways. Dwight never told me he loved me because at the time we didn't know what love was. I know he loved me. I remember when I first met Jack. He bought me a drink and he made me guess his name. When I was getting on that plane, I should've felt free, but instead felt fearful and anxious.

I was returning to the place where I was traumatized. I was going there to say goodbye to another man forever, his funeral. The man that started my life out with this misfortune. He is my father. He made so many problems for me. Ever since I was child, being with him had been torture. Everyday I'd come home, afraid. He was guardian. He raised me. I didn't know how bad he really was until the outside world told me. That was normal to me. Once my school found out, I was put into an institute. I'm only thankful for that because that is where I met Dwight. I'll admit, I needed help, but only because of the things my father did. That wasn't love. The institute treated me like it was all my fault. That made me worse. What actually helped me was Dwight.

The first thing Dwight ever said to me. I'll never forget it. I don't want to forget it, unlike most things in my life. He asked me what my favorite color was. I didn't find that strange, it's just a simple color, so I answered him, “blue”. Then, he asked me about my favorite number. I continued and told him “one”. Next, he asked me what my favorite animal was. I told him it was a hummingbird. Finally, he said, “So if you saw a blue hummingbird, how would you feel?”. I wasn't sure how to react. All of his random questions leading up to this most bizarre one. “I'd feel at home.” I said honestly. He was surprised. “All I have to do is look in the mirror.” I explained. The deeper meaning behind it was that all I wanted to do was fly away. To be blue and just blend in with the sky. He wasn't sure what to say next, but he wanted to keep talking to me. He told me about it later. He asked what room he was going to, being lost. We were both new and we had the same schedules, coincidentally. We didn't know what to expect in this new place, the institute. All we knew is that we were sent here to, “be fixed”, or to “get help”, etcetera. We spent the day trying to find our way in more than just a literal way. We were both lost in more than just our schedules. He wanted to find out how to leave on his own, to be able to function without help or being dependent. I wanted to just fly away. I knew where I was at that point, I wanted to run away. He eventually made me want to stay, to stay with him. The institute was a place for young kids or teenagers to receive mental help, education, and a better environment, mostly for mental “help” though. We both had our fair share of issues and life was like a puzzle that we were both solving together for such a long time. He needed me and I needed him, and that has something to do with love, I'm sure. I remember his dyslexia was so bad that he couldn't read, I read everything to him. In time, I realized I loved reading, it was an escape. That's not the only great thing he gave me.

My androphobia preventing me from having conversations with men without having problems. He was the only boy I trusted for a long time. He was very understanding about everything. I remember that whenever he called me name I flinched. It reminded me of my father. He said that sometimes for memories to heal they need to be left alone, we decided to have code names, like cool spies, I was “hummingbird” and he was “sparrow”. He never called me by my name again. I remember reading him a book about spies. It talked about two spies becoming partners and spending time with each other. “Do you think we're like that?” He asked. I knew we were, “Yeah, I'd say so, what about you?” I asked him. “Yeah, we're like partners in crime.” He said trying to be funny. “We’re like Bonnie and Clyde.” I said. We were old enough to the point where he knew I didn't mean we were actually criminals, he knew my point was that we were together.

That was my way of telling him I liked him. He knew I meant we were together, but he didn't understand that I meant dating. I really liked him but he was immature and didn't realize it. It wasn't his fault at all. I understood. He never saw the signs, until, the day of our graduation from the institute. I kissed him. Soon after, I left, without a trace. I couldn't handle loving him so much and him not even yet knowing how or what love was. Eventually, after it was too late, I thought about it. Maybe, once I kissed him, he knew. What if, the moment I left, he realized. What if I gave him that one kiss and he wanted to give me something back and he never could. I felt so guilty. Meanwhile, I wasn't ready to do anything. I wasn't over Dwight for so long. I wasn't ready for the real world. The institute threw us into the big, cold, world. I learned the hard way. I adapted. I stayed strong. Though all of the odds were against me, I needed to see Dwight again, so I survived. I pushed through life and made it. This was it. This plane ride was proof, I stayed strong. This is going to be a new life. This isn't starting over, that would neglect the progress I've made, the progress that kept me alive, the progress that helped me survive. I'm returning to my sparrow. This is a hummingbird’s flight.