Death did not scare her.

No. It was the thought of being killed by Cassius that filled her with terror.

“I love you,” she repeated, eyes closed.



“Cassius?” Alexa hurried down the stairs, frantically searching for her husband.

“Cassius! What was that sound?” She shouted now, desperate to find him, to ensure he had not harmed himself. Again.

In those moments, while she ran, her imagination began to scare her. She had no way of telling what condition her Cassius would be in when she found him.

“Answer me, Cassius!” In past years, Alexa had experienced many of Cassius’s tantrums, yet she could never accustom herself to them, for he ended up in a different location each time one occurred. Every tantrum seemed to resurface a new memory in her husband’s recollection.

A new, terrifying memory.

Where could he be? ‘Outside,’ she realized, ‘maybe he is outside.’ Yes. But, how could she go out in her cleaning robes? The town would surely gossip.

It did not matter. Not right now.

Alexa made no effort to find her shoes before dashing out of the farmhouse door. Such things would only slow her. The neighbors could say what they wanted, they already disliked her for bringing a madman to town.

The sun emerged hesitantly, complicating Alexa’s task, yet she eventually spotted Cassius. He looked feeble, a dark shadow leaning against Mr. Zacinsky’s now-broken fence. Alexa immediately recognized the scene as the source of the sound she had heard moments before; she cautiously made her way to him. ‘He is only calming himself. He is alive.’

“Cassius,” she whispered. He moved, but slightly. She sat down next to him, gently placing her hand on his shoulder, “Are you alright?”

Cassius continued staring for a while. Then, ever so quietly, he answered “They have gotten worse, Alexandria. Much worse.”

“What was it about?”

“James. They killed him at the end of war.” Cassius’s voice wavered.

Alexa heard the anger her husband was attempting to suppress, but she had learned to hold back her questions long ago. “Are you ready to go inside?”

Cassius said nothing. Instead, he shifted his weight so Alexa could help him stand. As they made their way back to the farmhouse, Alexa thought about the truth in his words. His tantrums had gotten worse over time.

When she discovered Cassius’s illness, his reactions to the memories had been simpler. Then, he awoke at night because he was frightened by imaginary gunshots. Now, she had to keep him away from guns completely. Now, his initial thought upon seeing firearms had become to attain them and shoot at everything that could “endanger” him. He told her that himself. Everyday. He continuously pleaded of her to dispose of things he could use to harm her. She had disposed of all such things, all things except for a small pistol she kept hidden in her drawer. If the bandits came back again, she had to be prepared for them.

Cassius jolted her from her thoughts, “What have you prepared for breakfast?”

“Nothing yet. I may have to go to the market for eggs.” Alexa looked at her husband’s face. Yes, she wanted him to snap out of his solemn mood, but she would have to wait out the tantrum’s effects for that to happen.


-----------------------------------


Bread pudding. Maybe that would cheer him up. Stale bread, water, sugar…there were no eggs in the house. ‘I shouldn’t leave him alone in this mood,’ Alexa thought, ‘but what else can I make from age-old bread?’ She sighed. Figuring out what to eat had never been a problem in the city. Neither had cleaning nor washing nor dusting. There were maids in the villa. But, she was no longer in the villa, and she had promised Cassius they would never go back, not while bastards with big mouths resided there. ‘I will return before he is done bathing,’ she concluded.



------------------------------------

Alexa had a habit of glancing at her drawer when she entered the house, for it was in plain sight from the door. The drawer’s simplicity made it a perfect place to stow things. Not Cassius, not bandits, no one would guess it held anything important.

That is why its disarrayed form left her in shock on this day. ‘The pistol. God, please don’t let Cassius have found the pistol.’ She crept forward, more scared for her life than she had ever been before.

“Why did you hide it from me?”

Alexa froze. Slowly, she turned to face Cassius, who stood at the stairway, pistol in hand. “I w…want...ted it for...r sec…curity,” she stuttered.

“From me?” Cassius’s voice was harsh.

“D…don’t be silly.”

“I told you to keep these things out of our house! You never listen to me!”

“What do y…you mean? I m…moved out here because you! I learned to live out here for you!” Alexa’s tone got sharper as she overcame her fear. “I left my life behind for you!” She realized she had let her temper get ahead of her only moments too late.

Rage. She saw pure rage in Cassius’s eyes. “So I have ruined your life, have I? I trusted you to love me for nothing in return. I trusted you to be true to me so I would not have to doubt you as I doubt everyone else in this world. I trusted you to tell me everything. And you…!”


“Cassius, put the pistol down. Please. You are s…scaring me.”

“Sorry, Alexandria. It has become my nature to hold onto things until I use them.”

“Cassius? W…what are…?”

Bang. A shot rang.

“Cassius! Please!”

Bang. Another shot.

“You are trying to frighten me, right? I am frightened! You win! Now, put it down…”

“There is one last thing I want to shoot,” Cassius smirked.

He pointed the pistol at Alexa.

“No, Cassius! Look up, into my eyes. Do I seem dangerous to you? No, baby. I love you.” Alexa’s tone contained a sudden softness, yet her heart pounded crazily.

Death did not scare her.

No. It was the thought of being killed by Cassius that filled her with terror.

“I love you,” she repeated, eyes closed.

She waited. For the pain, for the numbness, for the betrayal.

Nothing. Nothing came.

When she opened her eyes again, she found Cassius on the ground, sobbing. The pistol had been flung across the room. Shaken, she went to him, and, as she had in the morning, sat down beside her Cassius.

She had won. She had helped her Cassius win. There would no longer be tantrums.

There would no longer be fear.

She leaned in to hug him.

And he accepted her with open arms.