She’s so beautiful and peaceful when she sleeps. I lightly brush a strand of hair to the side of her face, caressing her cheek with my thumb. How I could be so angry at someone so beautiful and sweet, now that I’m sane and thinking, it seems impossible. It killed me to argue with her. She always used to get so flustered and such a mess, I hated seeing her like that. And she always became so flustered and such a mess because of me.

Elly’s features turn from peaceful and serene, to such horror, it frightens even me. I know she’s having another nightmare. They’re getting worse and worse as the sunny days die off, and the cold nights awake. I climb onto the bed more and pull her head onto my lap, caressing her face and smoothing her hair as I whisper sweet nothings into her ear.

“Shhhh love, shhhh. It’s alright, it’s just a nightmare. It can’t hurt you...” But my sentence fades as I realize my words are as empty as I am. Of course these nightmares can hurt her and I can do nothing to help her. The room has fallen so silent; it startles me when my name desperately escapes from her mouth.

“Cameron!” Elly shoots up from the bed, clutching the sheets so tight, her knuckles have turned white. She has a layer of cold sweat across her forehead and her eyes are droopy as she breathes for what seems like the first time. After searching the bedroom for me, she sags forward in defeat. She takes in a few deep breaths and pushes the hair back from her face, sighing. After what seems like forever she shakes her head lightly, and falls back into the pillows.

An icy chill creeps into my veins as I crawl over to her on the bed. She’s lying on her back with her arms over her face, and even though I can’t see her face, I know she’s crying. She’s getting sick of the memories, the nights left alone with nightmares, and the passing days of dread and depression seeping into her core. I lay next to her, propped up on my elbow, and smooth her hair, trying to figure out how to help.

“Why did you do this to me, Cameron? Why did you leave me here, all by myself? I just- I don’t understand. Didn’t you love me..?” But her soft words fade as her moans take over. She’s rolled over on her side now, curled up against the pillow trying to silence her desperate attempts of closure. Stabbing pains of regret and hatred course through me, as my throat tightens with tears. It kills me to see her like this, to see her so depressed, and so out of place it makes me rethink myself.

I take deep, unsteady breathes before I begin.

“It’s the way that you blush when you’re nervous,

It’s your ability to make me earn this,

I know that you’re tired,

Just let me sing you to sleep.”

Memories flood my sight as I see My dear Elly hiding her hot cheeks, Racing down the busy evening street for just one kiss, Late nights trying to make her sleep without her cuddling her textbooks, that sweet smile that could brighten anyone’s day.

“It’s about how you laugh out of pity,

‘Cause let’s be honest, I’m not really that funny,

I know that you’re shy,

Just let me sing you to sleep.”

Her melodic laugh filling my ears and heart with comfort as other begin to laugh as well. She had that affect on people, to make them forget their problems in even their darkest hours. Her light smiles and hello’s when meeting new people and her explosive personality as she sits down and has a good time with old friends.

“if you need anything,

Just say the word, I mean anything.

Rest assured, if you start to doze,

Then I’ll tuck you in,

Plan my lips where your necklace is closed.”

Late nights waking up to her arms wrapped so tight around me in the most protective ways. Sweet pleads for a snack or something to nibble on while reading her books in the lamp light and then kissing her forehead or collar bone as I take that same book out of her sleepy hands and will her to sleep.

“It’s those pills that you don’t need to take,

Medicating perfection, now that’s a mistake.

I know that you’re spent,

Just let me sing you to sleep.”

The little tablets being popped into her mouth with a swig of orange juice before breakfast, lunch and dinner. The need to be perfect was so blinding because she couldn’t see that she was already all the things she was striving for. Disgruntle faces in the mirror as she examines herself. Exasperated yawns for once a good night’s sleep.

“It’s your finger, and how I’m wrapped around it,

It’s your grace, and how it keeps me grounded.

I know that you’re weak,

Just let me sing you to sleep.”

A puppy dog look reflecting back at me in the store window, and how in the next moment she would have a new pair of shoes or whatever her heart desires. The loving kisses and hugs that I got every morning or whenever I came home from work. How we would have to be touching at all times just to keep each other sane, or even the thought of us not making contact with each other was crazy.

“If you need anything,

Just say the word, I mean anything

Rest assured if you start to doze

Then I’ll tuck you in,

Plant my lips where your necklace is closed.”

A warm feeling begins to evolve in my stomach to a deep, passionate burn. I just want to envelope her in my arms, just to have her in my grasp, to be able to touch her; I would explode in warm delight. I wish so badly to kiss her on the cheek, to cradle her face in my hands, to gaze into those starry night blue eyes.

“While you were sleeping,

I figured out everything,

I was constructed for you,

And you were molded for me.”

I’ve spent so many days, hours, and minutes with her, a year’s worth, and yet it still isn’t enough. I want to love her; I want her to love me back, to be able to love her again, in the most innocent way possible. She’s everything to me, and too late to realize, I’ve been everything to her.

“Now I feel your name,

Coursin’ through my veins.

You shine so bright, it’s insane.

You put the sun to shame.”

Everything about her reaches out to me. Everything about her is so perfect, and beautiful. She’s such a pure person in every way possible. I’m in love with such a wonderful person, and I’ve ruined it. Elly’s features have softened, her crying stopped, and now she lying in bed half asleep, cuddling the same pillow she was clutching for life earlier.

“If you need anything,
Just say the word, I mean anything.
Rest assured, if you start to doze

Then I’ll tuck you in,

Plant my lips where your necklace is closed.”

Even though she cannot see or touch me, I know she can hear me. Her whole body has gone from rigid and tense, to soft and relaxed. I reach out my hand and caress her cheek lightly as her eyes droop in sleep.

“If you need anything,

Just say the word, I mean anything.

Rest assured, if you start to doze

Then I’ll tuck you in,

Plant my lips where your necklace is closed.”

Her pink rimmed eyes are now closed, her body now relaxed and gone slack with sleep, her breathing now a soft whisper in the silent night’s sounds. How everything in my body wishes to lie down next to hers, wishes to actually touch her cheek and to be able to actually feel it. But I cannot feel anything anymore. Not the silky feel of her hair, the warmth that radiates off her cheeks or the way her kisses feel against mine. Because the dead can feel nothing but the memory’s that flood their minds with the images of their loved ones that a fateful decision left behind.