Outside the Italian restaurant was cold, wet, and I swore I could see frost forming on the edge of my shoe. I couldn’t go inside…he (as in my ex-boyfriend Danny, who just broke up with me) is in there. I couldn’t go back to my car he (as in my best friend Connor) is in there crying because his girlfriend just broke up with him. I tried to comfort him, but he said I wouldn’t understand.
“Why not?” I asked. “I just lost my boyfriend!”
“Well…its…its just different okay?”
I stormed out of the car in pure anger. Different? Different? How the hell is it different? I wanted to say, “You had a girlfriend. You lost her. I had a boyfriend. I lost him. I know exactly how you feel, and it’s the worst feeling someone can possibly have.”
And yet it’s different, according to him. Wow, I’m really beginning to hate that word. It’s been associated in my life so much, I wouldn’t mind giving it a funeral.
And when I walked up to the restaurant, I saw Danny, my ex, waiting in line with his new “friend.”
What a coincidence, I thought. The universe really must hate me. (Normally, I’m not this shallow. I don’t believe the whole entire universe revolves around me, but when your beloved boyfriend breaks up with you, it seems like some logic flees along with him.)
I couldn’t walk in. I had waited a long time for a boy like Danny, someone who was nice, charming, and had a wild side. I thought he was perfect until he found someone “better.”
Seeing him with someone else was like peering into Hell. It’s something I never wanted to see…because I knew the chances of getting back with him were so very slim. Ad what make this whole thing even worse is…his new “friend” seemed like he walked straight out of a magazine photoshoot. And Danny couldn’t take his eyes off of him.
But he was right; Danny had said that we’re both changing. I had my band and music that was beginning to take over my life, and he had school and college and grades which was taking over his. He wanted someone like him, someone who would go to Harvard, or be a future lawyer or doctor. I guess he felt disconnected from me and my love for art.
What an idiot. I was the best boyfriend a guy could ask for! I was as loyal as a puppy, and never once lied or cheated on him. And I did everything I could to make him smile when we saw each other.
It starts to rain as I begin to cry. My tears fall along with the raindrops and freeze into icicles as they hit the pavement.
“Dammit Danny…I love you so much.”
I need someone to hug, but no one is here.
“Dammit Danny…”
I look through the window. He’s still standing there with his new blond beau. I decide to go for it; to tell him that he’s wrong. And before I know it, my feet are splashing in the puddles, I’m opening the door and walking into the sweet smell of meatballs.
“Hey Danny,” I say. I walk over to him through the crowd.
“Jake…what are you doing here?” He asks. I can tell he’s timid; he always looks down at the floor when he gets nervous. We haven’t spoken since the day he said goodbye.
“It’s a freaking restaurant. What do you think I’m doing here?”
This made Blondie, Danny’s “friend,” laugh. Danny gives him a look, and Blondie’s smile disappears instantly. What a shame, I think. He’s pretty cute.
“Who’s this?” I asked, nodding towards Blondie.
“Jake…what do you want?” Shockingly, Danny looks into my eyes. He seems desperate for me to leave. Again, I blame the lost logic that fled away like a flock of birds.
“I wanted to wish you good luck. Not on attending Harvard or receiving scholarships. But good luck on finding a guy who loves you as much as me.”
Before I get to see his and Blondie’s reactions, the lights go out. It grows silent. Finally, a manager says that it’s probably the storm outside causing the power outage. Blondie nor Danny don’t say a word.
Just my luck, I think to myself. I finally muster up the courage to speak to him and this catastrophe happens.
I can see candles being alit one by one on each of the tables. How romantic…yet unfair. I always wanted a candlelit dinner.
The lights blaze to life seconds later. The crowd resumes their conversations, and people begin to eat once more. I look back to Danny, but he’s not there. It’s only me standing alone with Blondie. We both look around for him, but he’s no where to be seen.
“Coward,” I mutter just loud enough for Blondie to hear. I turn and head back outside, with the rain as aggressive as a lion. I’m soaked within seconds as I head back to my car, furious.
Someone taps my shoulder, and my first thought is to karate chop their balls off…but it’s Danny, hair soaked. I always loved when his hair was wet.
“Jake, I’m sorry. But I don’t love you. I’m not right for you…I want you to find someone who can appreciate everything about you.”
It takes me a while to respond…his hair is just so damn sexy. After refocusing, I say, “Why can’t you work through this? Is it really that big of a deal?”
“Yes, it is.” He says. “We’re both headed into two very different lifestyles once we graduate high school. I want someone who wants one like mine.”
I’m crying. This really is the end. I wish this night could’ve ended with a kiss in the rain. They always look so good in the movies. But instead, I get this.
“I’m sorry,” he says again.
I’m crying so hard, I can’t even talk.
He hugs me.
I push him away.
“I understand,” I finally say. “We had so many fun times…I’ll never forget…can we still be friends?”
I look up and don’t like the look on his face. “It’ll be easier to move on if we don’t.”
I hate that statement… but I agree with it. He’s right.
I have nothing left to say.
“Goodbye.” I mutter.
“Bye.”
I turn around and head for my car, shivering. I hold onto myself, trying to conjure some warmth into my body…and because no one else will hold onto me. I pull open my door and sit in the driver’s seat, crying. Conner pats me on the back.
I wanted to believe everything would be all right. But when you’re first boyfriend, someone who’ve been crazy about, leaves your side, it seems like life couldn’t get any worse. It’s a tough mountain to climb over, one that I surely don’t have the hiking boots for.
“It’s okay,” Conner whispers.
I finally know what this feels like. It’s not failure, it’s not abandonment: it’s loss, pure and simple.
Conner puts his hand on my shoulder. I look over to him, and see the guy who I love even more than Danny. Caring Conner is what I always call him.
He says, “I know exactly how you feel.”
And that’s why we’re best friends. That’s why I feel like the loss isn’t as great as I originally thought. Lovers may go, but the right friends stick around.
“I know exactly how you feel.”