Zoe sighed. She felt forever alone sitting in that cherry tree in her family’s front yard. She watched the cherry petals fall not really thinking about anything in particular. The year had been a long one. She had spent more time with the people who called themselves her friends. She had met new people…. Yet she sighed. She still didn’t feel like her life had improved, if anything she felt worse. She had people around her yet they didn’t notice how hurt and broken she was. She smiled through everything unable to show how she truly felt. She couldn’t bring herself to trust people. Her closest friends had betrayed her once and had left her alone and falling apart. After that she had lost herself. She no longer trusted anyone, compliments felt like lies, and every word sounded like a judgement. She feared rejection and judgement. She was scared that if she opened up to others they would hate her.

Zoe had always been a shy child but when she had entered middle school she had grown more distant and quiet. People made fun of her saying she was too serious and uptight. She smiled and laughed with them but inside she felt hurt. She had been bullied in elementary school, but something about this felt different. At the same time she realized that her old friends were changing as they entered middle school, she realized that she was alone. They all wanted to be popular, they were different people, something inside her didn’t know how to accept this. Now she does, but it is too late for that, she’s lost them and herself now.

    As she slowly learned to hide her feelings more and more she felt that more and more she was losing herself. Soon she became empty… A shell with no emotions. She pushed on through everything until she broke down, alone. And then she started over again, in a never ending cycle.

As she had moved through middle school she had lost friends. She had tried to tell people how she was feeling but they wouldn’t listen.

They told her, “It’s a phase, you will get over it soon.” and “Don’t overreact.”

She only had one friend who told her that she was there for her, one friend she could trust, one friend she could confide in, Jessica. That of course didn’t last long. She trusted too much, she confided in Jessica too often.

She was pushed away by that friend, “You’re overreacting.”, “This is stupid and fake.”, “Stop trying to get attention.”, “So many people have it worse than you.”, “Why are you still here?” Her friend had said.

    She pushed her to the limit. Zoe truly believed that she was better off dead. Now she was here, in high school, dealing with something similar, still remembering everything as clear as if it was yesterday.  

It haunted her as she jumped down from that cherry tree. The pieces of her heart scattered on the ground in front of her like rain. She shuttered remembering the way she had been pushed away by her friends from elementary school.

“You’ve changed.” They’d said. “We don’t want to be around you anymore.”

She walked slowly through her yard but paused just in front of the door.

Suddenly she was standing in the hallway of her middle school. It was lunch and she was standing in the staircase that led to the auditorium. She was completely hidden from other students. About to walk out, she heard voices, all too familiar. Her friend Jessica was talking to her other friends. She paused, holding her breath.

“No, I hate that.” Jessica said. “She is so clingy.”

“She just wants attention. She is too desperate for friends,” one of the other girls said.

“She needs to realize that you don’t want to be friends with her,” the third girl said.

Zoe waited for them to pass then she hurried off. She felt a heavy weight on her shoulders, pulling her back, pushing her down. She felt like she was drowning, struggling to stay afloat while the negative words held her back, like a weight. At that moment she realized how alone she really was. From that moment on her whole life was different.

The next thing Zoe knew she was standing back in her yard. She shook her head slightly and continued walking.

As she walked up the stairs to her room her friends words haunted her.

“I hate people who cut. It’s like they just want people to notice. They just want attention.” John had said.

“Stop this already!” Jessica shouted at her. “You are terrible toward people who are actually depressed. Why do you overreact to everything, fake this depression, cut and shit? You should just go die!”

    It had taken her forever, at least that’s how it felt, to finally follow that advice. The act of ending was hard, she didn’t want to hurt anyone anymore. But eventually she couldn’t take the pain anymore. She became tired of existing, tired of trying, tired of smiling. Over the last few weeks she had almost given up. She struggled to keep up with her work and to keep that fake smile plastered on her face. She tried to be strong but it was too much now, too much pain.

Their words followed her as she went inside to her room.

“Who lies about depression? Do you know how terrible you are?” John had told her one day in class.

“I….” Zoe sputtered.

“You realize you are lying, right? I mean you can’t have depression if you don’t have a reason. I mean, it just doesn’t make sense.”

“What?” Zoe’s words stuck in her throat, choking her.

Jessica scoffed. “Your so stupid. You think we’d fall for some bullshit like that?” She shook her head smirking.

Their words circled her head as she made cuts on her arms, as she wrote a final note to her family, and those who called her a friend. She overdosed on sleeping pills and painkillers, her last thoughts were the words of her friends who hadn’t realized what they could do.