"WATCH OUT!" I screamed as I saw a big, blue trailer truck coming straight at us. That was the last thing I said before it all went black. My world went black. I couldn't hear anything. I couldn't see anything. I was in a completely dark and silent world.
"Order her a head CT and MRI!" screamed a lady. I woke up. That was the first thing I heard when I woke up. It was almost as if I had fallen into a deep sleep. I woke up. I was at the hospital. The doctors and nurses were surrounding me and telling me I was going to be fine. Except I didn't feel fine. I felt like something was missing. It was a weird feeling. Here I am laying in a gurney not knowing what is wrong with me and I feel like something is missing. After a few seconds I completely woke up. I was scared and I felt like my body was collapsing under me. I looked at one of the doctors, she had red hair and looked too young to be a doctor. She said "It's ok sweetie! We have you! Everything is going to be just fine."  Except she was wrong nothing was going to be ok, it was all going to fall apart. I laid back and tried to relax. The doctors wheeled me into a room where they put me under a huge machine. I felt as if I was in another world. It made strange, loud noises. After several hours of lying in a hospital bed I finally told them my name. I was scared to tell them my name as if this would all stop and reality would sink in. I knew my parents weren't ok.  I saw the social worker walk in with two doctors. I just knew in my gut it was all over.
I spoke in a dark and hushed tone" They're dead." The social worker looked at me as if she had done this many times before and said "its ok. You will get through this." The doctors said they're apologies and left in a rush to get to their other patients who weren't dead. I had nobody. My parents were the only people who got me. Nobody in school knew who I really was. I was the outcast who had no friends. I was the girl nobody wanted to talk to or sit with at lunch. I was used to being alone. I was alone for those 7 or more hours at school and until my parents got home from work. I was used to it. I was alone again except this time I was alone forever.

It was finally the day they let me go home. I was in the hospital for 5 days. I just sat there completely speechless and dead inside. The nurses tried to talk to me and help me but nobody could help me.  The social worker came in and talked to me a few times a day. I knew after I got released from the hospital I would have to go someone. I had seen movies and shows about orphans and their lives. I never thought it would be me. Well I guess we never think it will be us until it is us. She helped me gather my few things I had with me. I tied my long, blonde, ratty hair into a pony tail and put the t-shirt and jeans the social worker gave to me on.  I still hadn't learned my social worker's name. I knew she said it a few times but I never listened. She had commented on my bright blue eyes a few times but that's all I remembered.
"What's your name?" I asked her.
"Linda. I already told you this multiple times." She said sort of snarky.
"Sorry. I forgot." I told her in a hushed tone.
"It's ok. We need to get going Joelle." She yelled as she walked out the door.
It stung. Her saying my name. It made it seem so real. I am Joelle Johnson, I am 15 years old, I have blonde hair, bright blue eyes and I have no parents. For the past few days I tried to forget my name. I tried to forget my life and become a new person. I tried and tried but all I could see was the trailer truck coming straight at us and then I was back. I was Joelle Johnson again.
"JOELLE!" Linda screamed again.
"Sorry. I'm coming." I said collecting my things.
I walked through the door and into the hallway. The nurses and doctors all looked at me with puppy dog eyes. I knew they all were thinking poor kid, she has no parents or family. Well that's exactly what I was thinking. I'm alone. All alone. I got into the car which was new and very clean and we drove for about an hour before she pulled into a driveway of a two story green house. Linda looked at me and said "Welcome to your new home." I was here. I was at my first foster home.
I bounced from foster family to foster family for the next 8 months. They were all so nice and caring but they never felt like home. I went from school to school and every time I was the weird loner nobody wanted to be friends with. On my 8 month anniversary of being in foster care (Wahoo!) Linda told me I was going to have to move again but to a permanent foster family. I was surprised. I didn't think kids like me could stay in foster families forever. I was sort of excited that I knew where I would be for the next 2 or more years. It felt good. We drove to a town named West Valley. It was in upstate New York. I walked in and met the parents. They were nice. Their house was clean and new, almost as nobody lived there. The mom was named Kim and she had short brown hair. She was a nurse at the local hospital. The dad was named Roy and he was bald. He worked for the local car dealership. They seemed like a nice family.
After a few weeks living with them they started to get abusive. I never thought about abusive parents. I mean who would. My parents were always so kind and gentle and the foster parents I had were gentle too. Roy and Kim would hit me. Not very hard but enough to make me gasp. If I didn't clean the dishes or do the laundry Roy would hit me in the face. It would sting for a few seconds but go away. I just had to deal with it. I actually liked my school that I went to. I had lots of friends which was a first for me. I also liked all my teachers and had really good grades. I didn't want to ruin that by telling anyone what was really going on.  Roy and Kim threatened me and said if I told anyone they would take me away somewhere and beat me until I died. My closest friend Lilly always asked me where my bruises where from but I just told her that I liked to run in the woods behind my house and I fell a lot. I knew she didn't believe me but she never said anything. After school I would always go the longest way so I wouldn't have to go home. I tried to avoid them as much as possible. Until it got worse.
It was a normal Tuesday; I was doing homework in my room. I heard footsteps coming up the stairs. They were heaving and I knew they were Roy's. He busted through the door and started yelling. I was too scared to understand what he was saying. I got up and ran to the other side of the room. He came closer and slapped me in the face. I fell to the ground. It was the hardest he had ever hit me and my whole head was ringing. I started to cry.
"HEY GIRL GET UP AND ACT LIKE A WOMAN! I BARELY HIT YOU! LOSER! GET UP!" he started screaming.
I was so scared. My body shut down and I couldn't think. He came over and started kicking me. He just kept kicking me harder and harder every time.  My body couldn't take the pain anymore and it all went black. I woke up the next day and my body was bruised and in so much pain. Kim was putting ice and band aids on my cuts. I screamed and moved away from her.
She said "Don't worry, I won't hurt you! I never thought he would hurt you like this."
I was scared but confused. Why was she comforting me when she hit me every day? I knew she never hit me as hard as he had hit me but still. I stayed home from school that day and just laid in bed terrified. I didn't know if or when he was coming back.
The next day I went to school. Lilly came up to me and hugged me. I pulled away in pain because it hurt so badly. She looked at me with confusion in her eyes.
"What's wrong Joe?!" She said nervously.
"Nothing. Just sore." I answered.
"Why are you sore?" She asked.
"I...I..." I couldn't think of an answer.
She looked at me confused and scared.
"Joe what is going on?! Where are all these bruises from?" She lifted my sleeve and touched my bruises.
"I told you I fell in the woods." I mumbled.
"You are lying I know something is wrong" She responded loudly.
"I got to go!" I ran away and didn't look back.
I went home that afternoon and went to my dusty, small room. A little later, Roy came in again and I screamed for my life. He said "Don't worry I'm not here to hurt you unless I have too."
I screamed again and he came closer. I ran to my dark, old window and tried to open it but I couldn't. He came closer and grabbed my arm. I felt his strong, warm hand on my arm and I felt dead. I was screaming and crying. He started hitting me again and again. I felt like it would never stop. I was crying and struggling to breath. He finally left the room and I was traumatized. I looked at the ceiling and said "Mom, Dad help me please! I can't do it anymore!"
That was the first time I talked to them. I tried to forget that whole day and now I needed them more than ever. I knew what I had to do. I couldn't live like this forever. I had to do something. I took out a piece of paper and my favorite pen.  I wrote two letters. One to Lilly and one to Linda. I went into the bathroom and opened the old, white medicine cabinet. I took the bottle of Aspirin and dumped it into my shaking hand. I cried for a few seconds before taking the pills and swallowing them.
"Finally I'll be with you. We can be together. We won't be suffering anymore." I said crying.
I felt dizzy and fell to the hard, cold floor. It all went black. Just like it had when I got into the car crash. My whole world black. It was over. No pain. I was done. I was finally done.