The Sea

The fan spinning in endless, pointless circles above me, is the only motion in the room.  My eyes stare lifelessly at the blades, cutting through the thick air.  My body feels numb.  I’m numb.  All around me, it feels like my world is crumbling, broken into too many tiny fragments. I can’t piece them back together anymore; I don’t have the energy to try.  The mattress against my back, feels like it could swallow me whole, and I almost want it to.  Reality is just too painful at the moment, in this room, ringing of deafening silence.  I just continue staring at the blurred blades, distracting me from the prison that is my mind.
Broken shards of glass scatter the ground, along with everything else that had once been whole.  The lamp had created a permanent dent in the wall, shattering the bulb.  Picture frames lay in ruin, along with clothes, and books, thrown by someone I no longer recognized.  My slow breaths, match the rise and fall of the chest beside me.  Both of us breathing in time, we had almost become the same person. 
We lay there, barely moving or breathing, just staring at the ceiling.  Both of us lying in our sea of destruction.  The waves of my tears and the harsh winds of his silence, created this raging hurricane, that never dies down.  We just suffer helplessly, in the eye of our storm, because we can’t leave. 
The fan continues to go around and round, as my mind starts spinning.  I can’t leave him, I need him.  I love James.  We’ve known each other since we were kids, he’s my best friend.  I need him, depend on him, and I hate that.  I know I’ve driven us to this, all the fighting, and constant pain; it’s my fault.  All James ever tries to do is help, and I just push him away.
I turn my head to see the hazy outline of his expressionless face.  Tired blue eyes stare at the same fan, that kept turning my thoughts against me.  I know how painful this is for him, not being able to help the person you love.  I should have just kept my mouth shut, I pushed him too far again.  All I ever want is for him to just be honest with me.  He puts on this role, this mask, like nothings hurting him, and acts like he needs to stay strong for me. 
Despite what everyone thinks, I’m not made of glass.  The last thing I need is for him to not trust me, I don’t want him to keep secrets from me, so I pushed him today.  I pushed him too far, and he lost it.  The person screaming and throwing things had driven her boyfriend to his breaking point.  I don’t know that person, she’s not me.  She’s wouldn’t do that to someone she loved, but I’m not myself lately. 
“James?”, I hesitantly whisper, my voice barely audible.  The figure beside me just continues to face the ceiling, his porcelain face like a statue. I swallow nervously, “James, please say something?”  His mouth parts as if he wanted to respond, but quickly closes it again.  Pain shoots through my heart, as his silence consumes me. He exhales in defeat, “What do you want me to say Victoria?”, he says, frustrated.  I turn back to watch the blades.  What do I want him to say?  There was no outcome of this situation that I wanted.  I wanted us to stop fighting and hurting one another.  I wanted to not be like this, but that wasn’t an option.  Being like this wasn’t my choice. 
James turns his head, ruffling his disheveled blonde hair on the pillow.  His face looked so tired and lifeless, he looked unrecognizable.  Guilt joined the unbearable pain I was already feeling, as tears started to roll down his flushed cheek.  “I think we’ve said enough for today”, he mumbles, pleading with me.  I know he’s right, but I just can’t stop the words from coming out.  “What are we doing?”, I shake my head.  “I can’t keep doing this to you.”  I pause, and look over at him.  Tense hands rise to cover his face, then slowly pull back on his hair in frustration.  I swallow hard, desperately trying to hold back my words.  “James...”, I shut my eyes to stop from crying, “I love you, but…” My attempt had failed, as tears began to flow down my cheeks.  Teeth bite down on my lips, in a last attempt to keep the waves back.  Giving up, they release their tight grip, allowing the words to come pouring out.  “I love you, but we shouldn’t be together.  You deserve better, and…”, my words are barely understandable through the sobs.  “I can’t live with myself, knowing how much pain I cause you,” I whimper.  Immediate regret washes over me.  There’s no response, we have this same conversation every time we fight and there’s always a response.
This time, there’s nothing except my pathetic crying. I just keep crying, as the blades keep spinning.  My mind is suffocated by the silence, it’s screams just turn into white noise.