I feel a sudden sadness as I treasured our last embrace.

“Keep your head up,” she whispered in my ear. I was not showing it on the outside, but I was tearing up internally. I was not usually a person to express my feelings emotionally, especially in public. But this was our final goodbye. My sister, Carmen, must have felt proud of where she was standing as of now, the University of Princeton. Carmen was a good student, and I was not. My mom always wondered: “I don’t know if I brought home the wrong baby from the hospital! Your sister is tremendously smart and helpful and beautiful and inherits all those virtues. Your parents are super successful, but you’re having trouble with 10th grade math!” My parents usually doubted me academically compared to Carmen. I was not put down by their scoldings, because it happened often. However, Carmen was usually there to comfort me, although I didn’t need her help. I drift back to reality. All those years of close sisterhood ended now. Our bond was strong, which was why it was so hard to say one last word.

“Goodbye,” I responded wearily. I gently pull away from her clutch. I give her a hand wave from the back of the van, while she just smiles and walks back to her dorm. It feels different, now that I'm the only child.

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A week ago, I wouldn’t understand why someone would cry. But now, sitting alone in the darkness, I know that feeling. Afraid. Insecure. No one to support you through the hardships that life throws at you. Unprotected. I am supposed to be asleep right now, but I sit on the attic windowbed looking at the clear night sky. As a child, i usually woke up in the night and dreamed for day to come. I was frightened of the dark, my imagination supplied many nightmarish beasts with a craving for human blood living under my bed. But now, I welcome it. The night is when I can express my feelings for depression, agony, and solitude. The moon is bright through the attic window, shining past the sea of darkness. I miss my sister so much. The thought of Carmen both assuages and torments me. Looking at the moon, it reminds me of her. We used to climb up on top of the roof of our house and gaze at the starry firmament above.
“Do you see the Leo constellation?” she asked. I followed her finger,only to lose track of it again. “It’s the one that looks like a vague shape of a lion,” she said. After scrutinizing the vast, endless space, I thought I found the match.
    “Yep. I think I see it. The one with a triangle and a hook thingy magiger? Next to the Big Dipper?” I replied.
“Yes. Leo, that shape you just made out, it is your zodiac symbol. You were born on August 11th, then you are the Leo! It describes a loyal, ambitious and kind person. I know that somewhere inside you is that kind of person. You see that there? That is my constellation. I am the Pisces. It represents two fish connected at this one point. When I leave, it will be a resemblance of me,” she described. Those are one of the hazy memories I have of us together, yet I still remember it as clear as day. As I look in the night sky, I don’t see the Pisces constellation; but as I watch Leo, I know that she must be looking at the same constellation with me.

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“Sierra! Sierra!!” My eyes snap open and I drift back to reality.
“Huh?” I turn red full of embarrassment. The whole class was staring at me, and falling asleep in class was not the best way to impress my classmates. “Uhhhh….. yes sir?”
“What is the capital of Canada?” Our teacher, Mr. Minyon, asked sternly.
“Uh. Juneau?” I reply apprehensively.
“Have you been listening to our lesson, or have you been daydreaming the whole time? You are not to sleep in my class, Ms. Miller. Now class, the capital of Canada is Ottawa.” Mr. Minyon said giving me the stink eye. A sharp ‘ding’ rings and we know that it is time to go to lunch. I begin to pack up my supplies, my stomach growling.
"Ms. Miller. May I see you at my desk, please?" Mr Minyon requested. I walk up toward the teacher. There is a stern look on his face and his hands are on his hips ready to strike. “Really Sierra- I don’t understand how a child with parents as brilliant as yours can be such a poor student. I have had your sister and I am proud to say she is one of the brightest and smartest student ever. This is the 6th time you have fell asleep during the past 2 weeks. What’s wrong? You were fine the other week ago. If your grades don’t improve, you’ll have to stay back next year.” I sigh and walk out of the room, with my head hanging low. She doesn’t understand. No one understands- not even my parents. Carmen does- she is the reason I am like this, without her. I now usually stay awake at night, examining the sky.. as if there is something more to it. Something involving my sister. Thanks to her, she made learning fun, and I felt smarter and more accomplished with her. Like from a different point of view. She would usually help me stay on track for school; her support is basically mandatory now. My parents wouldn’t really stay and help, because they focus way too much on their work.

    Later on, past my school problems, my parents started realizing finally my drastic change in personality, after Carmen’s leave. They decided to facetime her everyday and ask how it was going at Yale, their little angel. My parents pushed me to talk to Carmen on the phone, yet I rudely declined. Day by day, this happened, and the day by day my depression phase started to clear off. Instead, new anger and rage was bubbling inside me. I felt mad that she left me to go to college. I felt selfish.I knew I wasn’t being reasonable, but I wanted to keep her for myself. My depression soon turned into madness, with no reason for it whatsoever.

    I am at the school office. People at school probably think I’m mental. I had a emotional breakdown at school and started crying all of a sudden. I wouldn’t know how to explain it, but everything has been so out of place when Carmen left. I’m not even sure If I’m mad or sad anymore. I guess I just need her right now. She would know how to cure me, as she always does.

That night, I thought it was best to call Carmen to fix this mess. My tears gently calm and I regain confidence. My breath steadies and I pick up the phone. Her voice soothes me instantly.
“I know you have been having a hard time lately,” Carmen starts gently.
    “Mhm,” I manage to cough up.
“Okay, Sierra. Don’t be that person who gives up easily. I know you are not that kind of person. You don’t let someone else’s word stand against yours. And I admire that in you. One day, you will look back at these days, and feel pride, even though it is so difficult now. I know it is a burden that I’m not here by your side. And I know that mom and dad don’t spend as much time on you as they should. But you have to stay strong. You have to realize that you don’t need someone always carrying the weight that was yours. You have to be an individual and depend on yourself more than others for a change. I mean I can only be with you for some on the time now… but know that I’m always here if you need someone to talk to.”
I slowly digest the words she threw at me a moment ago. I hang up the phone without saying goodbye. All this time. I never thought of it that way.I run up the attic stairs frantically and find a rusty mirror hidden behind a dusty desk. I stare back at myself like I’ve never done before. Maybe it is time for a change. It’s time to end what I once was. But it is the beginning of what I will be.