How’re things going right now?
Okay.

I decided to get some excitement in my life
So I took outside food inside
Nothing happened
But I guess that’s cause it was my house
I’m working my way up to a restaurant
My therapist says baby steps.

I actually saw a baby the other day
It was cute
Too cute
I started to feel inadequate
So I said something passive aggressive to it
“Nice shoes, betcha use em a lot.”
That baby can’t even take steps.
Yeah. Boom.

Still I’m okay.
I went hiking with a friend.
Well, he’s not so much of a friend
More of a pet. Because he’s a cat.
So I went hiking with my cat.
Who I carried in a bag.
So really I just hiked.
He got a free ride.
Damn.
I have to stop letting people walk on me.
Gonna talk to my therapist about this.

I decided to explore life more.
And put myself out there.
So I did.
I put myself out there.
Right there. By that corner.
But it got cold, cause I was wearing these jean shorts
And this old tiny shirt
Cause I was doing laundry.
And all these cars kept stopping and asking me questions
And inviting me inside
And I was like, no.
I am putting myself out here, not in there.
Eventually I went home.
There are way more guys in fur coats and sunglasses out there than you’d expect.

I got fired from my job.
Wait no.
I SET fire to my job.
By accident. I swear.
I meant to just set fire to my broken chair
Cause it was broken and I didn’t want it anymore.
But things got out of hand.
Apparently arson is a thing
And you don’t get rid of chairs that way.
Wish someone had taught me THAT in school.

I’ve started stripping recently.
Well…
Not so much stripping as
Taking off my clothes
Until people pay me to put them back on again.

People pay a LOT.

I took an improv class Mondays
But I had to leave it.
I got the sense everyone was frustrated with me
Because I couldn’t remember my lines
No matter how long I looked at the script.

I went on a date.
With a girl I met at the supermarket
Who was impressed with how many bottles of maple syrup I was buying.
(I was throwing myself a pancake party)
I don’t think it went well.
The date.
(The pancake party was excellent.)
I think she was frustrated
Because I couldn’t remember my lines then either
And apparently neither could she
Cause she kept ad-libbing or something
And I was like no, here’s the part where you say, “Do you want to come inside?”
And instead she was all like, “You’re insane I hate you.”
Talk about taking some liberties.
Still waiting on her to call me.

My therapist had to stop seeing me.
It turns out he wasn’t a therapist.
He was just my dad, dressed up like he used to do as Santa.
Except this time he wasn’t Santa
This time he was Dr. Simmons.
And instead of saying “Ho, ho, ho” he would say
“You need to stop touching cats like they’re people.”
So yeah, Dr Simmons was my dad the whole time.
Good thing I didn’t fill him in on my love life.
Because I don’t have one
But still
Screw you dad!

I don’t need a therapist anyway!
I am so full of life and I am seizing every opportunity I can get
And living and loving and having new experiences
And widening my horizons and
God I am so desperately alone
And there’s this emptiness inside me that keeps spreading like a cancer
Or some kind of sentient and psychotic black hole
That’s ripping me apart and laughing at my pain and the tears I shed
Into my pillow at night
And nothing can fill this void inside me and it feels like there are all these people
Rooting for me to fail and sometimes I just want to scream at the top of my lungs and dress up in a cartoon character costume and verbally abuse random strangers on the street until they cry and then maybe then they’ll understand MY pain or go to a diner just to throw up on a table as soon as a family gets their food or just strip off all my clothes for good and adorn myself in war paint and dance until I enter a trance state while everyone else at the DMV just stares and no one says anything but they all know that they envy me and wish they could connect to the spirit world the way I could! Then maybe everyone will see my worth and potential and will beg me to invite them to a pancake party but I won’t let them!! I won’t let anyone!! Even my cat will need a special invitation!! I WON’T NEED ANYBODY OR ANYTHING AND I WILL TRANSCEND PHYSICAL EXISTENCE ITSELF AND MAYBE THEN I'LL STOP CRYING SO MUCH IN THE SHOWER!!!

Anyway, I’m good how about you?