I want to call you, but I already know what you will say.
I will tell you how stressed I am for my future and you will say, “Well you need to stop and relax, your future is forever away.” I will roll my eyes at your humor filled ones and say, “Forever’s don’t last forever.” You will pretend to think it over and when you have had enough thinking your eyes will light up, “But ours will, trust me.” I did. I’ll laugh and all of my stress will be gone.
Will is such a delicious word, now though it would be would.
Our forever didn’t last forever. Nope it didn’t last long at all. The funny thing though is that you weren’t the cause for the end. I was. I am good at endings, so good. I have always been one to skip ahead so I can know what happens. You, you and I were too uncertain, so I skipped to the end. To the inevitable. I gave you some ridiculous reason why we would never work and I saw the hurt in your eyes. I heard your confused questions that I refused to answer and I turned my heart off when you tried to make me reconsider. I am sorry for the hurt, but that is how you drive people away. That is what I always do. This is how I stay safe and sound.  I don’t set out to hurt, but isn’t it inevitable?
You have called so many times and sent letters. I don’t respond, I don’t answer and I am sorry. You deserve something better than this girl who has spent so much time becoming independent and protecting her heart. Why does my heart hurt though? It isn’t supposed too. I have no weaknesses, at least I didn’t think I did. What have you done? What have I done?
The phone rings. I jump. My heart I can feel it, it wants it to be you. I wonder if some cliché will happen and it will be. No it is my mom. She is probably calling to ask how I have been and if I need anything. I will respond just like I always do. “No mom, I am doing so great! I love it here, it is incredible. I am doing so well. Then I will ask about the family and hang up. I don’t answer, I don’t know if I can hold it together. I feel so much. I want to explode to release the feelings.
I stand. The park. I need the swings.

I want you to call me. I want you to tell me what you are stressed about. I know what you will say, “You will complain and share your fears of the future with me. I will try to make you forget those worries. I will say something about forever’s and you, you will explain forever doesn’t last forever and I will add that ours will. You will roll those exquisite questioning eyes at me. Trust me I will say and I know that you do.
I should have known, I should have taken things slower. I knew you were the type of girl who reads the end of a book first. I should have tried to show you the end first. You stubborn ridiculous girl. I was hurt by your words. I just don’t do relationships so this won’t work. You said that and I couldn’t help but laugh. You are so full of it. I knew it because that is absolute crap. I should have given you more space. I keep trying to call you, I’ve sent you letters. No reply. I wonder why you pushed me out. What have we done?
I feel angry. I send the books on the shelf crashing to the ground. You would have been furious with me I know it. NO DON”T THINK OF HER. I pick the books up. Out drops a picture of you and of me. We are so happy and carefree. We had gone to the farmers market when you pulled out your camera and took a picture of us in front of some ridiculous animal stature. Because you like ridiculous animal statues and always take pictures with them.
The emotions are too much. I need a release. I need the swings. You always said that they cleared your head.

She sat at the park watching her granddaughter go down the slide again and again, squealing and screaming in delight. Oh to be young again. Next thing she knows is a boy no a man comes and sits on a swing.  He begins swinging. His legs pumping at insane speeds. She watches him with interest wondering what could have possible got him so worked up. She then watches a girl no a woman come into the scene. “Carter?” She hears the girl say loud and clear. The man stops instantly and they stare at each other. The old woman smirks. Now she knows why he is so worked up. Carter she notices stays in his swing for a moment having what she guesses is an internal battle. The woman just watches him having her own internal battle. The girl wins hers first. She turns away and starts to walk briskly away. She watches the alarm in the man’s eyes. He yells, “So that’s it huh? You’re just going to walk away and hide because you don’t know the end? You know what you wouldn’t make a very good or inspirational story-
He was cut off, the woman had spun around her eyes blazing, “Is it so wrong that I want to protect myself from getting hurt?” She doesn’t actually want the answer to that question the old lady knows, not knowing what Carter will say in reply. He laughs bitterly at her question and replies with a, “Well of course it is wrong.” By the time he finishes his sentence he could reach out and grab the girl. “Em, tell me you are not hurt at all.” He commanded her. She scoffed. I am not hurt at all. She refused to look in his eyes. The old woman noted the look of hope that sparked in his eyes. “I don’t believe you,” he said. “Well you don’t have too.” Em replied without looking up. Carter laughed. Yes I do because I won’t leave you alone until you convince me. “It’s easier to forget, please I know from experience.” You’ve never tried the not forget road. Come on Emily, we can do this. “No, stop.” She turned and began to run this time. She barely got 3 steps before Carter grabbed her.  You stubborn stubborn girl. Here is the ending I am proposing. Whoever dies first stays with the other one as an angel and then the other one joins them eventually and they become angels together exploring the never ending galaxy. “I don’t believe in angels, she whispered. “You don’t have to, you just have to trust me. We can do this. It will be new for both of us.” Emily closed her eyes. She could feel the tears that were coming. “We will take it as slow as you want. Please I don’t’ want to do this without you.” She felt him grab her hand. She didn’t pull away. She turned her head to the ground. When she looked back up her eyes were open and tears were pouring out of them. “Hel, hello, she hiccupped. My name is Emily.” Carter stared and started to laugh. “What in the world are you doing?” he asked in amusement. I am starting over, she said her eyebrows raised tears still pouring out. He shook his head. Oh Emily starting over, it requires an ending and we haven’t had one, when I said forever I meant forever.  She let out a shaky laugh and trusted.