Tonight, I try to forget his face. It’s not something easy to do. He was friendly to everyone that even spoke a word to him. Yet I was the only one who actually listened to his cries for help. See, I knew things about him that other people didn’t, I was that person he told everything - ranging from his crushes to the food he had for supper. Nobody knew it was this bad. Not even me. Now people started recognizing him, at the worst time possible.

This “him” has a name, after he left, I decided not to use it anymore. For your sake, I’ll tell you - his name was, and still is Andrew. I could remember his laugh like I had heard it just yesterday, which was partly true. We’d just had an hour long phone conversation just yesterday. He had seemed happy, carefree. I wish Andrew had told me how he was feeling. Even if I could help just a pinch, maybe it would have stopped him.

If you didn’t already know, he committed suicide. Which any other day didn’t have a place in my brain. It would have made it easier if he’d been in a car crash, or maybe he’d accidentally fell off of a pier, slowly sinking away. But self-harm? I had never dealt with it well; I had self-harm in my own past. The fading red lines were still visible on my wrists.

I can picture the day I met Andrew, fresh, bright red lines were there, this time for being stupid enough to eat a sandwich for breakfast.  I would just gain more weight, he’d kissed each line of hurt after we’d talked for hours. Ever since, I wouldn’t dare cut again. Maybe it was just because I didn’t care about my appearance when I was around him. No, we didn’t have that soon to be boyfriend/girlfriend relationship, more like he was my big brother.

While he was busy picking up my broken pieces, little pieces of him would fall off following behind him. I’d been too blind to even notice all the hurt he had built up inside him. My hands trembled as I pushed them through my hair. This emotional rollercoaster would end up with only me: a frail, incorrectly-pieced together me- like a piece of a puzzle put in the wrong spot.

Tomorrow, if I would go to school, I could imagine the stares. “Hey, that girl was Andrew’s best friend,” all of my classmates would say. They’d probably never glance at me otherwise. None of it would even matter anyways, I wasn’t going to school tomorrow. Or this week at all, maybe not next week, either. My parents didn’t care.  They only cared about making money.

Andrew and I had our own little wonderland. Since he wasn’t here anymore, it was gone. Looked like it had been slashed by  thousands of feisty tigers. My safe haven was ripped to shreds, along with my other living soul.

The only fear I had now was forgetting his piercing green eyes: which were weirdly identical to mine. Andrew’s eyes shone brighter than any star that I’d ever see. Every time I’d told him this, I’d get the same response. “Stop lying, Lil.”  Then he’d laugh that crazy laugh of his. He was always so soulful, especially at church, when most people were at their blandest.

His smile, oh, how I said his eyes shone bright? Well, there was nothing compared to his smile. The sun, as if it could, had nothing against it. The blinding white of his teeth, was the best part of his smile.  I hoped his smile was the one thing that wouldn’t fade away, and I prayed silently for it to remain.

Granny had even seen how important Andrew was to me - he had once broken his arm doing God knows what, and I skipped church for him. That was the first time I had even skipped church in my life.   See, church was very important in my life, and Andrew’s too.

If only I could have Granny’s infamous back rub right now, even if it didn’t help one bit. There was just something so comforting about it. If the world was ending right there, right then, (which it was kind of for me) she’d rub your back. You’d swear, it would be fine, that’s how it made you feel. Like it was just a dream, and the world wasn’t crashing down.

It’s funny how things become crystal clear when people leave. I’d noticed that maybe, just maybe, I had some feelings for Andrew. Of course, it’s too late, so it didn’t faze me that much. We were fine being best friends, which was something I’d never want to ruin.

Tears were furiously running down my baby cheeks. They turned to raging wails, I couldn’t catch up to my breath, but I didn’t give a damn. Maybe I’d never catch up to them, but it would help me a bit. My legs gave out, making me crash on my cold, hard wood floor.

Somehow, my hands found my neck, I wasn’t choking myself, just trying to get my breath back. If I died right here, in my bedroom, I could already see my parents’ reaction, “Honey! Lilly's dead, and now she’s gonna stink up the whole house! Why does she have to do rude things like this?” If I was important on the day they found me - a frown would be etched on their face; otherwise, it would be a thin line of madness.

This silence came over my whole body, and I didn’t it like it one bit. Not daring to stand up, I crawled over to my chipped iHome, which right now, was holding my iPod Touch. My shaking fingers clicked the baby blue iTunes app. Since I didn’t care what played at the moment, I just pressed the play button.

“Mad World” by Gary Jules came on and I knew I regretted not just picking one. Anything but this. The quiet piano went on; his voice softly singing. When that ended, I was lying my back, hands curled on my stomach. Part of me pretended Andrew was next to me, and we were watching the stars, and the glistening moon.

That was something different between us, he’d spent his whole life not wishing on the shooting stars, but on the full moon. “They're not even stars.  They're meteors. Plus, the full moon is prettier than the stars could ever be,” he’d answer every time I’d ask him why. My green eyes would stare at him every time he’d say it, wishing I could read his mind, just once.

My trance I had gotten caught up in had ended, “Check Yes, Juliet” by We the Kings, had started. This was better than the first song, by a long shot. He had no actual tie to this song. Sure, we’d occasionally listen to it. I mean, it was my favorite song. 

“Run, baby, run,” I sang along with them.

Footsteps were heard outside of my door. Then, the creaking of my door being opened.  I looked to see my mother. Her hair pulled up into a perfect ponytail, an iPad in her hands.

“Lilly, I forgot to tell you. This invitation came in the mail this morning,” she said without once glancing up at me. Mom threw the envelope to me, hitting me square in the forehead. Not that she cared though.  She just walked away, still looking down at her iPad.

A red envelope laid before me, a gold sticker on it making sure it was sealed. I took it between my fingers, carefully opening it. Before my eyes, a white piece of paper, with shaky handwriting on it.

“Dear Ms. Lilly Wilson,

We invite you to the mourning of Mr. Andrew Quinn on Saturday, March 25, 2014, at the Moonview Funeral Home.”

No tears fell down on the piece of paper.  Not one. Must have been all used up earlier. This year, I wasn’t planning on celebrating my birthday, at all; One, because it was supposed to be Andrew and I. Two, his funeral would be taking my birthday all up.

Of course, it would be all twisted- his funeral being on the same day to celebrate my birth. Not that I had ever celebrated it. All I really did was sit there, looking at photos of myself years ago, by myself. Until Andrew came along, he was my missing puzzle piece. Now that he was taking away, my hole wouldn’t be healed.

Glancing at the mirror in front of me, I could see my tear-filled eyes. Strands of burnt red colored hair were all over the place. My entire body looked tired like it was giving up. Which was what I was doing, giving up little by little.

All that crap about when a person dies, and you think, “They’ll want me to be happy.” Well, I feel like that is a total lie. Don’t think if you died, you’d want a loved one to accompany you? I’d want it, I know I sound selfish, but it’s being honest. Maybe Andrew wanted that, too. Who knows, I couldn’t ask him until I’d meet up with him, up in the clouds. Unless he didn’t make it there, landing somewhere else. Yet that didn’t seem right, because Andrew was the best thing this planet ever had.

Meeting up with Andrew, up in the clouds was on my mind. Thinking of it, it wouldn’t take much. Dad’s emergency gun was downstairs, and knowing my parents, they wouldn’t notice if I borrowed it for a minute.

“That’ll make too much noise,” I said to myself.

Eyes flitted over to my bathroom, which was attached my bedroom. Drown myself? Never been a really big fan of water, and pools scared me. That was a no go. My only choice was to cut myself to death, which would take hours. I just wanted to be gone in a flash. Without a trace, then to be with Andrew.

It was crazy to think that I was making up ways to kill myself, when hours ago I was totally against the idea of suicide. I cracked my knuckles and made my way downstairs. As I passed the kitchen, I could hear my mother’s faint voice.

“Lilly, it’s nice to see you out of the bedroom. Please tell me you’ve gotten over that Andrew guy.”

Hearing this pushed me even further off my personal cliff. How could she say something like this? I knew exactly how she could say this, well, because she didn’t care. Stomping away, I made way to the gun. This most likely wasn’t the best way to go, but I couldn’t take it anymore.

When I found it, the shiny cold feeling had me scared, only at first. Quickly, I tucked it in my pants, making sure it wasn’t noticeable. It was noticeable just a pinch, but I could easily just put my hands there, unsuspectedly.

The trip up the stairs felt longer than it should have been. Maybe I shouldn’t be doing this, I thought to myself. Then again, I didn’t want Andrew to be alone up there in heaven. Nor did I want to be stuck with my self-absorbed parents.

Casually, I walked in my bedroom as if nothing was wrong. Yet everything was wrong. My life was a trainwreck, but it would end soon. Hopefully, I would go quiet, without hearing countless voices scream.

As soon as I sat down on my soft carpet, I pulled the gun out. My finger on the trigger, and then I was gone.

…

A couple hours later, Lilly’s mom found her lifeless, on her bedroom carpet. She didn’t scream one bit, all she did was call nine-one-one, as if it would help any.

Lilly, well, she was sitting up in the clouds next to Andrew. Gazing up at the moon like they did weeks ago.