We all have those kids in our school that are shy, quiet, or they have no friends at all, or maybe they just get picked on a lot right? Well that was me in the 3rd through 8th grade. The girl who always sat in the back of class, hoping that she would not get called on to read or answer any questions. I was also always the last girl to get picked to do anything that involved working in groups.

Hi, I’m Hazen Ann, and I am the quiet loner girl. I suffered from major depression, anxiety, and self-harm issues for years. At the age 11, I knew I didn’t want to live in this world that is full of hate. Teachers and students would ask me what was wrong when I would cry in class. Most of the time I couldn’t give them a response, simply because there’s was nothing to say. The truth was that I just didn’t want to say anything to the. I was afraid they would tell people. I just felt so worthless and that was no reason to live.

  Every morning I would wake up feeling sick at the thought of having to go to school, and hiding my problems behind the fakest smile ever. I just could never be motivated to get up and put effort into the day.  Getting out of bed drained me physically and mentally. Carrying on a simple conversation was so hard because depression had taken over my body, I felt as if I had no control over anything I did.

A few years had passed and things did not seem to get better at all. My parents would fight all the time, and all I could do was sit back and watch with tears running down my face. My parents misty and Joe ended up getting a divorce. At this point an time I had feel into something so dark, I was miserable I was giving up. I searched for way to cope with my depression; I found blades and tried to take away all the pain I was feeling inside that I could not release. I quickly became addicted to it, something that could hurt or kill me and I dint have a care in the word.

Day after day, things felt as if they were getting worse. The saddens became so hard to deal with. I was constantly in my room sobbing with my music turned all the way up so no one could hear me crying. I would press my face into the pillow to scream. My pillow was once white but it turned black after the long nights of crying. The dark black makeup was stained into the pillow. I wore all that makeup to distract from my very pale face. I looked as if I was sick. Being nothing but skin and bones with no tan seemed to make people stare at me a lot. Bing stared at made me irritated and nervous! I had very low self-esteem already.

Looking into that mirror that was once hung on my door I would sit and stare at myself for hours at a time. Sitting there yelling and crying to me hoping for a response that I knew wouldn’t come. “Why are you like this?’ “Why can’t you just be normal”? I said dramatically as the tears that seemed to look black because of all the makeup.

14 year old I was sure enough losing the battle I was fighting against myself. I went from being perfectly fine going to school and being around people to not being able to at all. It made me feel like my heart was going to explode out of my chest. I would be to scared, even terrified! I was definitely not easy going to school or even leaving the house.  

My 8th grade year I decided to go back to school, and I actually made 2 friends. Their names are Peyton and Kelly, and they were somewhat like me. The type kids that kept to them self’s and didn’t talk much. I got really close to them and told them pretty much everything. I now regret telling them anything. When I say I told them everything I mean everything. Little things like my crush, to my biggest secrets like my depression problems. This was the biggest mistake I’ve ever made in my entire life!

My so called friends were soon to be known as my worst nightmare. They told everyone my problems. They made my life 10x harder to deal with. I don’t understand why they would do such a thing. They told me things that I would never tell anyone, because I understand them. Well I thought I did at once. At that point and time I was done I was giving up!

10:00 Saturday night I got some of pills that were in the cabinet, and I took them to my room with a glass of water. As I walked in my room I felt the urge to just cry. I sat on my bed and got out a piece of paper and starting righting a note to my family to tell them how much I love them. I also  wrote how sorry I was for giving them so much pain for something I was about to do.  Minutes had passed and I was about to finally let go of my problems, and make the pain go away. I grabbed the bottle of pills and purred 6 pills into my hand. I sat and stared at them for seconds that seemed to feel like hours. I then put them in my mouth and swallowed them.
As soon as I swallowed them I knew I was in trouble. I didn’t want to die, I felt I had a reason to live for once. I began to think about how hard my parent’s lives would be if there baby girl committed suicide because she hid everything from them. They didn’t deserve that pain and neither did I. I called my mom because I couldn’t get up I was then to weak to move. They ran in and I don’t remebr anything after that. I woke up 3 days later I lived through the worst thing possible. I felt so bad even worse before.

  2 Weeks later I got to go home. I had told mom all my problems and she found a counselor for me to see once a week. I could see and improvement in myself each day. I also started going to church. I realize that there was a God out there that was planning my life and making me stronger. He gives his toughest battles to his strongest worries. I now 100 percent believe in that.

When God was introduced into my life I knew right away that he would help me through everything. I just had to keep my eyes on him and put all my trust in him, so I did exactly that.  2 months later I got saved. From that point on my life was forever changed I now lived for something big and better than I ever dreamed of.

Never give up on yourself your life is so precious to the people you love. Depression is defiantly hard but it’s not impossible to beat. I know that is a fact. Things will get hard, you’ll have good and bad days but I promise in the end it is worth it. It makes me who I am today. I’m so thankful that God gave me that trial in life. If he didn’t I wouldn’t be the person I am today. My advice for anyone who is reading this is to never give up, you're better than that.