Dear Diary,
I don’t know how to find out. There’s no real test, no real characteristics. You see it on T.V. I’ve mostly seen it on Glee, but I’ve seen it elsewhere as well. I don’t want to be open about it because I just DON’T KNOW. I’ve felt that urge with some people. And not the usual boys either. Evan’s picture still makes my heart flutter and do a squeaky shriek pop out of my mouth. But other than him no boy has made me feel that way. But some girls, I get that slight urge that I want to give them a kiss on the cheek. Or I want to say “I love you,” when I leave.
I’ve only admitted this to one person, and that’s my friend Sarah. She kept telling me that I’m not, but I’m just not sure. We talked about my symptoms. Sarah says she feels that way occasionally too, but she’s not lesbian any more than I am. I kept insisting that I felt the way that I did. She kept denying, so then I told her how easily I could imagine kissing her. She went quiet. She said she could with Sabrina as well, and I DO believe her. But it just confused me more.
You can’t pick who you love. You can’t choose what sexuality you are either. Sometimes you find girls attractive, sometimes you find boys hot and sometimes you’re just not sure. What are the options? Straight, gay, and bisexual? I guess I would be bi, right?
The whole reason this thought occurred is that I tend to try and remember what I had just looked at. So after I look at a person and I look away, the image of the person flashes in my mind. I know it’s weird. Anyway, when I look away from girls the main focus of the flash is either their bust or their rear. I really hate it because I end up feeling perverted about it. But with guys I don’t end up looking lower, I look at their face.
Maybe I’m only overreacting, but I can’t shake that feeling out. The only person that’s mostly making me feel this way besides Sarah is Canary. Canary is just her nickname I gave her because she has a beautiful singing voice like the bird. Really, her name is Lisa and she is STUNNING! She has darkish blonde hair that’s always curled a little and it’s so cute! And her eyes are just gorgeous and so pure, so clear. I feel as if with those eyes she can see into anyone’s soul and tell if they’re lying. But mostly it’s her voice. Her voice gives me some kind of security. Her voice is steady, and comforting, and just so CALM I can’t help but be drawn to her.
Sarah had given me some ideas on how people can tell if a girl is lesbian. A few of the ideas apply to me, like baggy clothes and staring into girls’ eyes . . . and others don’t. But I know the real way I’ll be able to know for sure, and it’s simple, really. You have to kiss. I have to kiss. One boy, and one girl, then I’ll know. One should have some kind of spark and the other dull as a rock. But I can’t do that! I can’t kiss a boy, and kissing a girl, like my friends, will ruin my friendship with them.
How will I know? How can I find out?
How can I know if I’m a lesbian?
All I know is with some girls and some guys . . . I get the sensation of love.