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50 Steps to Falling Asleep In the Middle of the Night
1. Turn off the lights and snuggle under the covers.
2. Roll around in the blankets until you are sufficiently hot.
3. Even though you've sweated through your t-shirt, try to tough it out because you know if you get up you'll never get back to sleep again.
4. Get up and turn the fan on.
5. Lay back down.
6. Stay on top of the covers this time until you start to shiver uncontrollably.
7. You're to tired to move, so wait another twenty or so minutes to get back under the covers.
8. Finally crawl back into the tunnel of sweat and filth that is your comforter. You should really wash that sometime.
9. Realize you can't fall asleep. Well, you knew you shouldn't have gotten up.
10. Try to lay still for a while.
11. After a few grueling minutes of chronic boredom, put your music on.
12. Start with soothing nature sounds.
13. Then move one to something a bit more chaotic, like waltzes, and congratulate yourself on being such a boss.
14. When you continue to fester in your waking state, stare at the clock and try to summon the force. Maybe you can make time move faster with your yet to be unleashed Jedi powers.
15. Finally come to your senses and realize that trying to move time is a huge waste of your epic Jedi skills. Jedi can't time travel!
16. Plot the construction of a time machine.
17. Turn up some folk music. Let's get this party started!
18. After you've properly wasted your energy stores jamming along to freak folk in the middle of the night, it's time for lights out. Again. Too bad you're too pumped up from the music to sleep
19. Hey, maybe some twangy country music can fix this!
20. After the first song or two realize that you hate country music.
21. Put on some blue grass instead.
22. Roll over and groan loudly into your pillow to relieve stress.
23. Wake up your dog and tell her all your problems until she falls asleep in the middle of your bed.
24. Try to get comfortable, despite the fact that THERE'S A DOG SMACK IN THE MIDDLE OF YOUR BED!!!
25. Get growled at for attempting to push the dog out of the way. She doesn't budge.
26. Get growled again at for rolling over on the dogs tail. She still won't move.
27. Get bitten. By the dog. In your bed.
28. Give up and try to sleep on the floor, the dumb dog was hogging all the covers anyway.
29. Get bitten. By a spider. On the floor. Because a dog stole your bed.
30. Finally, because there is no other alternative, sic your cat on the dog. Now she moves.
31. Learn the hard way the cats are not much better for sharing beds than dogs, but at least they don't take up as much space.
32. Get bitten. By the cat. In your restolen bed. Because dogs suck. And also, spiders scare you.
33. Fret about the fact that you're going to need at least three kinds of shots and a therapist to get over the horrendous night you're having.
34. Put your music back on. Just listen to songs at random, you don't even care what you're listening to anymore.
35. Wait. Nope. You care.
36. Try rap. Maybe the most unsoothing thing you can thing of will have the opposite effect of all your soothing music, and actually put you to sleep.
37. Wind up turning it off when you start to have an anxiety attack. Rap's not exactly your thing.
38. Go back to nature sounds instead.
39. Bang your head against a wall.
40. Get yelled at by the neighbors for banging your head against said wall.
41. Pull out your notebook and jot down some midnight poetry.
42. After a while, look over what you've written and throw it at a wall.
43. Stare blankly at the crumpled paper on the floor
44. Walk over and pick up the sorry proof that you will never make it as an artist.
45. Go ahead and take the time to decipher your handwriting so you can type up the pathetic scrap of rhyme you have created.
46. Admit that it sucks worse on screen than on paper, but email it to your boyfriend anyway because you know he will support you.
47. Wake the cat with your commotion, and end up reclaiming your bed.
48. Blast your eardrums with alternative rock, because you've pretty much run out of music.
49. Eventually find yourself smiling, and think about how this must be a dream.
50. Look outside and notice a family of unicorns eating your lawn. The music seems to have faded into the night.
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