September 8, 2011
Let me start out by saying, I’m doing this out of boredom. Not because my mom wants me too. Or my therapist. No, purely for my own entertainment. I need a place to keep my thoughts, so I don’t go insane. Well any more insane than I already am, at least.

It’s been hard. These past few months have been filled with tears, pain, and hurt. But now I’m numb to the pain. All I do is feel nothing. It’s as if I became completely immune to feelings. I don’t get happy about things I used to get happy about. I don’t cry at the thought of my dad’s death. I just sit. And let the pain pass through me, like wind blowing through thin, autumn leaves.

That’s where it started though, the pain, with my dad’s death. January 13, 2011 was the day a car wreck took his life. I don’t know how to explain the feelings I felt when I found out. I was setting the table for dinner while my mom added spices to the simmering chicken on the stove. Then we heard the doorbell. My mom went to go get it as I continued placing forks around the table.

Then I heard crying, no sobbing. Sobbing mixed with screams. I ran to the door, my heart racing. The moment I saw the police officer with pity in his brown eyes, my mother down on her knees with her body shaking with sobs, I knew. Somehow I knew, that when I had talked to my dad earlier that day…that was the last time I would ever talk to him.

“I’m so sorry.” The police officer said to us. “He felt no pain though, he died instantly.” I suppose he was trying to make us feel better. But when something like that happens, there is not one thing in this world that can make you feel better. Absolutely nothing.

So now here I am, 8 months later, gone. I’m not the same Drew I was. I haven’t been in a car since that cold Thursday night, the night my dad died because of one. Except for today. My mom got me into the car. I sat there. I felt proud. But only for a moment. And then the panic came. It felt as if the car doors were closing up around me, and I could hardly breath. I fumbled with the car door and jumped out, my heart racing and palms sweating. I’m trying.

September 20, 2011
School has been the same the past week and a half. I just drift through classes, sitting next to people I used to be so close with. But now we don’t talk. But who could blame them? No one wants to be around a girl that only speaks when she’s spoken too. A girl that has no sparkle in her eye. A girl that lost her thirst for life.

My mom has been worried about me even more than usual. I know this all has been hard on her. I wish I could be strong for her. But I’m just not. I can’t hold both of us, when I’m barely holding on by a thread.

“You know how much he loved you, Drew. You know how much I love you. You do, don’t you?” My mom asked me. I shrugged, picturing my dads face. My mom sighed, her eyes looking tired and worn out. She gives me a tight hug, around my stiff body, before getting up and going into her room.

A part of me wants to run and jump in her arms, and just cry out. To cry with her, to share her pain, to actually let her in. But my numbness takes over like it always does. And I do what I’m best at. I sit. And let it go through me.

September 26, 2011
There’s a new girl at school today. Her name’s Angela. I usually don’t feel the need to start conversations with people, but today I noticed her. And then I noticed the cross necklace that lay against her chest on a thin chain. It was half covered by her light blonde hair, but it still jumped out at me.

“I like your necklace,” I blurted out. She turned towards me, her bright blue eyes connecting with my brown ones.

“Really? Thanks!” She grinned at me, her teeth were so white and perfect. I noticed then that I was smiling right back at her, effortlessly. I was smiling. No fake smile, a real one.

We walked to class together and even ate lunch together. She told me all about where she had come from, Florida, and I sat there and listened. She was so happy about everything that she talked about. I couldn’t help but want to be just like her. I realized that I was actually longing for happiness.

And for the first time in 8 months, I think I might have a chance at happiness.

September 30, 2011
Angela and I have been getting closer and closer. I don’t know why she chooses to be with me, with my short dark hair and dark eyes, compared to the other girls. But she does, and she listens to me too. She even invited me to go to her house after school. I told her I couldn’t, but she just laughed.



“Don’t worry Drew, I can drive you!” She told me, thinking I declined because I didn’t have a ride. I felt my heart beat speed up. I shook my head, silently.

“I-I can’t.” I told her. “My mom, she-she needs me to be home tonight.” Angela nodded understandingly, and told me we could do it another time. And then I walked home with a newfound bubbliness. My step felt lighter, and my head higher. Even if me and Angela hadn’t gotten to actually hang out, she had invited me! And that was all that mattered.

When I got home, I sat down next to my mom on the couch. She looked up from her book and eyed me curiously. I gave her a shy smile, and she returned it. She didn’t speak, she didn’t need to. We sat there for two hours, her reading, and me doing my homework. Before bed, I hugged her tightly, like she had done to me. I went to bed feeling content.

October 3, 2011
I did it! I told Angela about the crash, my fear of cars, everything! And she didn’t laugh, or get up and walk away. She nodded and looked at me understandingly! Not only that, but she told me her secret.

“My older brother died when I was 8 in a car wreck too, Drew.” She said. But she didn’t look sad. She just smiled! I asked her why she wasn’t upset about it, and she just sighed with a content smile on her face.

“He’s in a better place now, Drew. I miss him, of course! But I know that he’s okay now. He feels no pain, and that’s all I could want for him. He’s still with me, in my heart and that’s enough.” She told me. I nodded, finally understanding what she meant. “Why cry about his death, when we can celebrate his life?”

Then Angela lifted her shiny hair and placed it on her right shoulder, reaching around her neck and unclasping the cross necklace. I watched her curiously as she leaned forward and hooked it around my neck.

“My parents got this for me because it reminded them of my brother, Michael. It helped me get over the pain. And now it’s your turn, Drew. It’s your turn to get through the pain.” I nodded and smiled, reaching up and feeling the cold metal cross.

After school we walked to the school parking lot together. Angela stopped at her car and asked me if I wanted a ride. I immediately shook my head, but Angela stopped me.

“Drew. Come on. You can do this.” I looked at her car for a few moments and nodded slowly. I stepped through the car door and sat down in the leather seats. We drove to my house slowly, Angela looking over at me every few minutes to make sure I was alright. I just sat there, my hand clenched around the necklace on my neck. Finally we arrived in my driveway and I breathed deeply, a smile forming on my lips. I did it! Angela looked at me and grinned.

“Your dad would be so proud of you Drew!”