Looking into the mirror, I don’t even see my own face anymore. My lips are purple as if frostbitten on a cold winter day, my cheeks caved in as if I haven’t been eating, my hair gone as if I got the urge to shave it all off one day, but none of this is my choice. I have no choice in the way my face looks right now. Because if I did have a choice I wouldn’t even be looking in the mirror right now wondering how long I have left.

If I did have a choice, I’d be sitting in a boring classroom full of freshman throwing paper and gossiping about the latest drama. I’d be trying to get good grades and make my parents proud. I’d be getting ready for the basketball tryouts coming up in a week. I’d be conditioning every single day, preparing myself.

If I did have a choice I’d have a boyfriend. I’d let him hold me and tell me he thinks I’m beautiful. I’d go to on a hundred late night movie dates just to be with him. I’d say yes when he asked me to prom. I’d go shopping with all my friends just to find that perfect dress for the perfect night. I’d dance the night away.

If I had a choice, I’d go to church on Sundays and be a part of my family. I’d help my little brother with his shot. I’d help my sister with her math homework and how to wear her hair on picture day. I’d stay up all night just to hear her talk about what her mean friend did and I’d tell her just what to do the next day. I’d go shopping with my mom every weekend and remind her every single day just how much she means to me. I’d tell my dad I love him and have him help me with my reverse layup.

I’d do so many things if I had the choice not to look and feel the way I do. But I don’t have the choice. So I guess these things are just going to have to wait because I finally hear it. “Riley, you have maybe a month left.”