I am an accomplishment junky. I long for that rewarding feeling of success when I finish a project or I get that A I want. But like any other junky I am irrevocably addicted to my substance and I can never get en enough of it. I will never think I have enough A’s, awards, or accolades. Ever have those people in class that you hated because they were just on-upping you all the time. That person is me. I am a teachers pet, a brown noser, and a control freak. What ever the project is, big or small, I always have to do it bigger and better than every one else. I know this makes me sound vain, but I am not.
I just have to get that high of feeling like I have achieved something in my short life. Like I have made a difference in this world. For example I do science fair every year. Sounds simple enough right? No, not when your entire family is disrupted from their daily lives so you can test obscure water samples from drinking fountain all over town. When I start my projects they seem to take on a life of their own. They spiral out of control and start taking huge ripping bites out of my social and family life. But when I finish them and the results are amazing I just can’t help myself from planning another one for the next year. When I get that blue ribbon and people come and compliment me on my project I feel like a whole different person. Some one who is not insignificant, boring, weird, power hungry, a workaholic, or hated. I feel accepted. My drug poisons my mind it tells me what I am not. It is venomous to my soul. It is toxic to my life. It is slowly killing me like a fire creeping over my skin and engulfing me in its unforgiving flames.
But all these feelings I had changed last year. I realized while doing a project for the fifth year in a row I didn’t like science fair. I hated the project, data, experiments, test tubes, machines, everything. I challenged myself to think of just one thing, just one thing, I enjoyed about doing a science fair project every year. And then it hit me like a semi truck on the high way I liked the blue ribbons. I thought about it for a long time. Is all this pain I am putting myself through really worth a blue ribbon? A ribbon bought at Staples for $2.00? I finally came to the conclusion that no it wasn’t. I felt regret, self-loathing, and pity for myself. This trivial awards and honors I was getting were for what? Getting into college? Making my parents proud? Making my teachers recognized? What about me? At the end of the day I wasn’t really happy, the false sense of pride I had in myself was dissipated by the next day. Its like I had a gaping hole in my chest and every time I was given recognition it was filled with false hope, love and self acceptance. But that was only for a short time. I never just enjoyed a victory; right away I was back again the next day working towards my next high.
I watch shows about people addicted to drugs and I understand why they can’t stop. Your high is the highlight, the pinnacle moment in your life and you’re always looking for a bigger and better one. But what is it really doing to us? It makes us selfish, unloved, egomaniacal, vain people. I didn’t want to be that person anymore. I wanted friends, family who love me for me not my accomplishments, just a life. I am proud to say my funny little half life is over. I can accept getting a B every once in awhile and I have been science fair free for an entire year! Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night and I feel a deep longing for my drug of choice. I have to get up and pray to God to forgive me. I ask him to let me accept who I am and love he choices I have made. I ask him to fill that hole in my chest with the love of my friends and family. I am who I am and now I realize no one can take that from me.