I wonder what will happen. When you wake up to find I'm longer here. I wonder if you will cry, if you will be shocked if you will be angry. I wonder if you will hate me. I wonder if you will get over it, if you will forget about me. I wish I could know...but that's to bad, I'll be gone before any of that happens. I've always been kind of shy, of course you already know that. I never liked crowds, please tell them I want a small funeral? Please? And bring me lilies. White lilies.

I won't blame you for hating me, I know I'm a very selfish person for doing this. I know that I'll probably rip your heart out by leaving. I know that you may never heal, and I'm sorry for that. But you always did tell me to think of me first. You always said I looked after other people to much.

I've always done well in school. It's been one of the few things I'm good at. Please tell Mr. Brinkman that I'm sorry I won't be passing in my essay? I don't think I've ever missed an assignment before. But there's a first time for everything, right? I suppose you'll cry. I've never seen you cry before. You've held me, but I've never held you, I'm sorry I won't be there to comfort you. I really am.

Do you remember when we were little and we used to go swimming together? Do you remember that one time when you caught a fish with your bare hands and you were so proud. You tried to give it to me and I shrieked and ran away. You chased after me laughing. We ended up burying the fish when we found it had stayed out of the water to long. I cried and you held me while we gathered dandelions. I felt so bad for that little fish.

Tell my sister that I loved her very much, and tell her that I will miss her. Tell her to have fun at college, and tell her she's always been there for me. Tell her to look under my bed, and to pull out the box. Inside she'll find every card, letter, or note she has ever given me. Tell her to remember the good times we have had.

On my bed there is a stuffed animal, a little cow. My father won it for me at the carnival when I was five. It's a bit ratty, and it's missing an eye, but I love it anyway. I used to take it everywhere with me, I carried it into restaurants and into the school. Until I was told that stuffed animals were for children. I put it away, for I was not a child. I took it out again last week because I wish I still was.

My hands are shaking right now...I feel a bit light headed as well. I guess I'm anticipating what is to come. Sorry about the wet spots on this paper. I know you don't like it when ink gets smudged.

Things might get scary for a while, and you might feel lost. Don't worry because I'll still be here, in a sense anyway. I would never leave you completely.

Last christmas was the first time that I told you I loved you. You looked at me with warmth in your eyes and you said that you loved me to. I felt my chest tighten in excitement, and I felt the wonderful butterflies in my stomach. From then on every time I looked at you I could tell you loved me. Just with a look my world seemed complete. Like nothing could go wrong.

But something did. You remember, don't you? I won't go into detail, I don't want to reopen old wounds. It wasn't that kong ago really, just three months. Weird how no one talks about it anymore. I guess people forget fast. I wonder if they'll forget me that quick to. I know I wish I could forget.

You said you would love the baby, even though it isn't yours. You said you didn't care about what had happened because it wasn't my fault. You said you were sorry you weren't there to stop it. You said if you were...you would have killed him. I know you would have, you love me that much. I can here you right now in the other room, painting her room. We were going to name her Lucy. After your mother, of course. I always did like that name.

I'm sure she would have been beautiful...your eyes on anyone would make them beautiful. I can see you taking her to the father daughter dance, I can see me smiling while she tries on dresses at the store. I can see it...

You just called to me, from in the other room. You said you were finished painting. You came in and you kissed me on the forehead, and looked at me with eyes smoldering in love. You said you couldn't wait to see her, you couldn't wait to love both of us. You said we would be the perfect family.

Why am I doing this? Why am I writing this? It's stupid...I'm seventeen. I'm about to be a mother, and I have a man who loves me despite the fact that I am tainted. Why am I doing this? I'm sorry...I'm going to burn this now. I'll pretend this never happened.






********************

I picked up the lighter and placed the edge of the paper against it's flames. I can smell the ink burning, and I stare at it in utter fascination at how fast things can change, and go away. I yelp, as the flame reaches my hand. I look at the floor to see a pile of ashes. I get a broom and sweep them up, I through them in the trash bin.

Then I turn, and with a light heart and a smile on my face I walk out of the room and face what shall prove to be a wonderful and glorious future. there will be bumps in the road, bouts of sadness and depression, times of anger and fighting; but there will always be you. there will always be you and your love to hold me, to keep me safe.