People say living in the past is a bad thing. But what if you couldn't forget the past. Not because of the good things that happened but for the horrible memories that still raced through your head when you were put in a public situation. Well that's how it is for me. Up until the 3rd grade things were fine for me. I had lots of friends fantastic grades. But than my uncle tom died and my life seemed to take a deadly turn. I started to get into trouble and kids made fun of me more. Every time i entered a room my first thought was what are they saying about me? Do they like my outfit? Not able to enter a situation with good thoughts. My self-esteem had dropped and I didn’t want to spend time with anyone. I was sort of the same way now, but the difference is I have friends now and I am very social and try to stay out of trouble. The things those kids said to me though will stay with me for the rest of my life. Even now I constantly feel paranoid that people are talking about me. I don’t often have confidence about my appearance. To the point were my friends are worried sick about me. They will never understand though I was hurt so bad I don’t really trust anyone anymore. Sometimes I will start balling, because of what happened when I was little. The flash backs of elementary school raced through my head.
“HA! You’re as big as the Titanic! Your so fat and ugly!” they would all taunt me and laugh. While I was on the verge of tears teachers just assumed it was harmless playing on the playground but to me it was a living hell. After that I never think the same about myself.
Now I sit in my room. Staring at the ceiling. “My life is different now. We were just kids” I say to myself. If I think about it I will start to cry. So I stare at the phone hoping James will call. I even felt paranoid around my own boyfriend. I didn’t feel comfortable with any guy. They put me through so much. They took away my child hood because of them. I became depressed at the age of eleven. I started to hurt myself. I would just cry. No one wanted to be friends with the girl everyone teased. I was never the skinniest or prettiest girl in patch. I always had curves and I still do. People still tease me about that till this day. It makes me feel incomplete. So many times I’ve tried to change myself going through many different eating disorders. The only people who made me stop are my friends. But I’m still kind of Bulimic. I don’t know why I still worry about things that happened over 3 year ago. I mean I’m in eighth grade. I should just be forgetting it. It’s like I don’t have friends I have a lot. I just don’t seem to be happy anymore. The memory that would haunt me forever has to do with my current boyfriend.
The year I lost my uncle (third grade) there was bring you favorite teddy bear to school day. So I brought my teddy bear Angela. The one my Uncle had given me before he died. I was showing it to Justin and James at the playground during recesses trying to get them not to hate me, but when I did show it to them Justin took snatched it away from me and ripped it Halo off threw it at me than threw it on the ground. I was already devastated by Justin’s action and was on the verge of tears. Than when I thought James was trying to help me by picking up the bear all he did was pick it up. Than throw it even harder in the damp dirt and stomped on it. I fell to my knees and started crying. The teachers just looked right past me and blew the whistles as a signal recess was over. I stayed there until all the other kids ran past me and formed a line. I slowly picked up what was left of my precious bear. It was the last memory of my uncle and now it was dead just like him. I didn’t speak another word for the rest of the week. It was from that point on that I would never try to make friends with enemies. I had learned the hard way.
Now though I suppose it is different everyone has grown up. Even if I still hadn’t forgotten they are good friends now. Funny, trust worthy, caring everything a friend should be. Bu there is a part of me that just wants to be mad at them. That never wants to let go of the past. I love my boyfriend with all my heart. Just the things he does make me want to just erupt with anger. How he loved me I can never understand I’m too talkative and I’m ugly and I’m stupid, well that’s what I think about myself at least. My family hasn’t made anything any better. My brother constantly put me down whether it was about how ugly I am or how fat I am. I mean yes he is my brother but aren’t you suppose to get support from your family?