As she stared up at the night sky she could feel her body relax. She counted the stars as she
walked, each ball of fire burning its image into her mind. Her feet slowed and she allowed the first
tear to fall from her eye. It was pointless trying to fight them back, they would come anyway. They
always did. They came faster then, one after the other, smudging her eyeliner and causing her
mascara to run in long black streaks down her face. Her iPod changed songs and she hardly noticed.
She wasn't really listening to it, it was there to try and drown out her thoughts. It wasn't
working tonight. The thoughts that were running through her head were louder than ever. Her feet
sped up then, as she tried to escape the town that lay behind her. It was suffocating her, slowly.
That's what it felt like. She needed to breathe, just for tonight. Involuntarily she looked down.
Rolling up her sleeve, she knew what she would see. The thin red lines that were etched into her
skin did nothing to ease her pain. She traced over them with her fingertips. She shook her head. No. She wouldn't. Not now. She was stronger
than this. She wouldn't give in the monster waiting inside. Her pace quickened again. She was
almost running now. The pain in her chest was the worst she had ever felt. It wasn't easily fixed
like a broken bone or her self inflicted cuts. You couldn't just ignore it and hope it would go
away. It wouldn't. You couldn't take a painkiller and carry on as normal. It didn't work that
way. It felt as if her heart had shattered. Not into two, but into a thousand little pieces. Tragic
but beautiful at the same time. She could imagine the shards in her ribcage, useless and dead. She
sighed. She was damaged and broken, like a china doll. Fragile. If someone she knew saw her now,
they would see her for what she was. Weak. Hurt. But most of all hopeless. They would know all about
the fake smile and make up she wore to convince people she was okay. They would know exactly how
much it agony it caused to go through the motions of living every day when all she wanted to do was
sit on the floor and scream. That didn't happen of course. No one saw her. No one was even
thinking about her. Would they care, even if they knew everything she felt, everything she'd been
through? Probably not, she decided. Through her tears she noticed she had reached the stream. That
meant she had been walking for a couple of hours at least. There was no bridge so she jumped. It
wasn't far. A few feet wide, that's all. She still missed. Her foot slipped on the muddy bank
and she fell in. The water was dark and freezing. She gasped from the shock and her skin was burning
with cold. The wetness soaked into her mud covered clothes. She didn't move. She couldn't see
the point. Why should she go back and carry on with her life? Maybe if sat still, unmoving, for long
enough the pain might fade. She could stay here forever and no one would mind. Maybe, she thought,
the cold might be enough to numb the hurt. In her head, there was no other option. It wasn't a
selfish decision because no one would miss her. She wished she could be there to see the relieved
expressions on people's faces when they realised they didn't have to pretend to care anymore.
Especially on His face. As long as HE was happy, that's what mattered. And he would be happy
without her, she was sure. With that last thought, she closed her eyes.