The hospital room was colder than ever. I could see from my peripheral vision my mother laying in bed holding a doll and whispering sweet nothings to it. This was why I hated visiting my mother—she didn’t even bother to look me in the eyes. When is dad coming back? It’s already been two whole hours.

“Shh...it’s okay, mommy’s here. Ignore that girl over there. It’s not good to acknowledge strangers. You never know what kind of person they are.”

 I’m growing sick of the words that are slipping out of my mother’s mouth. Without even realizing it, my hands cover my ears and I can feel my heart pounding faster each second. I want to throw up and pull my hair out. I can’t bear to see my mother anymore. Why is my dad forcing me to come here once a week? He’s not even bothering to see my mother himself. All he does is tell me to stay with my mother until he comes back after dealing with trivial matters. If it’s trivial, then why is it taking him so long? What if one day he abandons me and leaves me all alone with my mother? Suddenly the door opened, making me jump. 

“Dad! You’re finally back!” I exclaimed, rushing over to my dad to give him a hug.

“I apologize for the delay, Sonya. The meeting took longer than I thought,” my dad replied with a small smile on his face, but he wasn’t hugging me back.

“Can we leave now? Oh, we should have lunch on the way home!”

“Sure, what would you like to eat?”

“Let’s go to the place we usually eat lunch at!”

“Aren’t you getting tired of that place? We practically eat there every day.” 

“Nope! It tastes good no matter what whenever I’m eating with you!”

My dad went silent before glancing at my mother. She was still muttering praises and sweet nothings to the doll and her expression remained indifferent. It was almost like her eyes were lifeless. Her lips were dry and the flush in her cheeks was gone, making her look like a corpse. Disgusting.

“Alright. Let’s go then,” my dad finally said while opening the door for me.

The weight on my shoulders was lifted and I could feel the hospital room becoming warmer. I walked out the door and my mother’s figure faded away in the distance. 

                                                         *

The loud alarm woke me up from my slumber and I groaned. I reached out for the alarm clock to turn it off and let out a small sigh.

September 3rd. The first day of school.

I got out of bed before putting on the outfit I had decided on the night before: a white dress shirt with a ribbon around the collar, a short black skirt, and a pair of black flat shoes. I looked at the mirror and saw my reflection.

 Is this really me? I look so much more mature.

“I’m Sonya! Charmed, I’m sure.”

“What are you looking at, you idiots?”

“If you have something to say, say it to my face.”

“Look at me! I know you all want to be me.”

My breathing became heavy as sweat began to roll down my face and my hands became cold. I turned away from the mirror as fast as I could and grabbed my backpack to go upstairs.

I looked at the large dinner table I rarely ate at. There was a single sandwich with a sticky note that read: Sonya, the office called me today and I won’t be able to drive you to school. But don’t worry, it only takes about 15 minutes to walk there. Have a great first day at school.  

I snatched the note and put it into my pocket before taking a bite out of the sandwich. It was cold, the bread was burnt, and the flavor was dull. I could tell no effort had been put into making this sandwich. I could feel tears forming in my eyes, but I managed to get a hold of myself and finished the sandwich. At least there was food on the table.

I walked outside, gently closing the door and locking it. The wind was strong and dead leaves surrounded me. My fingers were becoming numb due to the cold as I headed towards school. Autumn always had been my favorite season, but it didn’t feel the same. The weather had been too cold for my liking and all the dead leaves made me feel empty. I never knew walking to school could feel this disgusting.

*

A large gate awaited in front of the school; everyone was walking as a group while giggling and chatting. However, I stood there with nobody by my side. I pulled out the note that was inside my pocket and held onto it tightly before slowly walking towards the entrance. The hallways were packed with students and staff members trying to get to class. I made my way to my classroom through the tight hallway while looking at the school map. 

Can these people please move? They’re gonna ruin my hair.

After what seemed like an eternity, I was able to find my destined classroom. It was quite small with only a few chairs and students. I sat down in the corner of the classroom then I noticed a tall boy with glasses glancing at me.

“Hey, why do you keep staring at me?!” I exclaimed with an angry tone in my voice. Who does he think he is? “Is it because I’m that pretty? Thanks, but I’m not interested in people like you.”

“N-no, I swear I wasn’t! I’m sorry if it came out like that…” the boy stammered in embarrassment.

“So you weren’t staring at me because I’m pretty? Man, that’s even more irritating.” I huffed. 

“Even more irritating? But weren’t you the one that was mad because—”

“Forget about it. Nevermind. Ugh, this is why I hate boys.” I grumbled before scooting my chair closer to my desk and pulling out a small mirror from my backpack. Luckily, my makeup wasn’t ruined, but my hair became fizzy. It must have happened when I was squished in the hallways. I brushed my hair with my fingers and looked into the mirror once again. Though it was still fizzy, it got a bit better thanks to me brushing it. 

“Alright class, settle down,” the teacher said while walking into the classroom. “We got a new student today. Sonya, could you come up here and introduce yourself?”

My eyes widened and my heart began to race. This is it, I only get one chance at introducing myself and leaving an everlasting impression on everyone. 

I stood up from my desk and walked in front of the class and placed my hand on my hip before introducing myself. 

“Hey, I’m Sonya. Charmed, I’m sure! I know what you’re thinking: ‘She’s so cool!’ ‘I want to be her!’ You must be in love with me, right? Don’t worry, I guess I can do the honor of befriending you guys.” I raised my head in confidence, but the class remained silent. They all had surprised expressions on their faces–I think I made a good first impression! Even the teacher was too stunned to speak.

“Thank you, Sonya. Please, head to your seat,” the teacher said, breaking the silence.

I walked back to my seat and noticed that none of the students were even looking at me. Perhaps they were too intimidated by me. 

*

“That’ll be it for today, class. You’re all dismissed.” 

I sat with my legs crossed while occasionally glancing at my classmates. None of them had even made eye contact with me. Why do I always have to take initiative? 

All of my classmates had a dead expression in their eyes that reflected my mother’s expression. I couldn’t avoid her even if I tried. 

On the left, there was a group of girls gossiping and giggling with one another. They must be the popular girls of this class. I’ll simply befriend them and become the leader of the group. That way, everyone will worship me! 

“Hey, you girls! What are you gossipping about?” I said while flipping my hair. 

The girls just looked at me for a short moment before giggling once again. 

“Wouldn’t you like to know, Sonya? You made quite an introduction; I wish I had your confidence, to be honest,” a blonde hair girl responded. Her hair was long and beautiful, and her light pink outfit fit her perfectly. 

“Well, of course. I already know you guys want to be me. I mean, just look at me. I have silky smooth hair, clear skin, and a good sense of fashion! I am completely flawless.” 

“Yeah, totally. I’m sure everyone wants to be you. Right, guys?!” the same girl exclaimed loudly. 

I looked around my surroundings, but none of my classmates said anything. They were all silent. The silence was too loud. My head slowly began to spin as my hands grew sweaty. 

“...Hmph, I’m sure they’re not saying anything because they don’t want to admit it.”

The popular girls began to chuckle at me, which was my queue to walk past them as I went back into the hallway. They were a waste of my time anyways. I don’t want to be in their friend group anymore. All they do is gossip and giggle like a group of wild animals. I don’t even want to see the blonde-haired girl. Everything about her irritates me. Her hair, body, clothes…everything about her makes my blood boil. I’m better. I’m prettier than her. I’m smarter than her. I have everything she doesn’t have. I don’t need to rely on anyone. I’m strong and independent. And if I truly need someone, I’ll always have my father. That’s right. It’s just me, myself, and I. Who cares if I don’t have any friends? All they will do is disappoint me. They won’t help me. They won’t even hold me. They’re nobodies! Nobodies. 

“Hey, it’s…Sonya, right?” a low-pitched voice called out. 

I turned around and saw a tall girl with short black hair and glasses. Her outfit consisted of a brown sweater and jeans. 

“That’s right. What do you want?” I replied in an angry tone without even realizing it.

“You seem sad. Is something wrong?” 

“Sad?! I’m not sad! I’m just thinking about something, that’s all. Are you stupid or something?” 

“If you say so. It’s just that you seemed bothered about what happened in the classroom.”

“I’m not bothered by it at all.”

The girl remained silent before looking down at the floor. There was something about her eyes that made me want to lower my guard. It was so gentle-looking and different from the others’ eyes. 

“... Anyways, I’m Sonia. You seem like a nice person underneath your tough exterior. Can we be friends?” the girl said in a soft tone before making eye contact with me once again, which left me in slight shock.

“Huh, we have similar names. And I seem like a nice person? Ha, that’s the first time I heard that.”

“I mean what I said, Sonya.”

“Yeah, I’m sure you did. Fine, I guess I’ll do the honor of befriending you. You must be quite happy about this, right? You better be! I don’t just befriend any random people!”

 I fought the urge to smile right then and there. There was a warm feeling that I couldn’t describe, but it made me feel so happy. 

Sonia let out a small giggle before walking up next to me.

“Yeah, I’m happy about it.”

*

I walked home with Sonia after school and as soon as I got home I threw my backpack across the hallway and squealed.

I made a friend! She held my hand and gave me advice on homework! I need to tell dad about this!

I quickly dropped my stuff at home and began running towards the hospital. Dad normally didn’t have a meeting at this time, so I would be able to tell him right away! The cold wind didn’t even bother me as my face was already flushed from the excitement I was feeling. 

I burst through the hospital door and spotted Mr. Ecker, one of my dad’s close friends. 

“Mr. Ecker! Have you seen my dad anywhere? I need to tell him something important,” I exclaimed while clutching onto my coat. I finally made a friend–dad would be so happy for me!

“Sonya, I’m sorry but I’m afraid your father is currently busy,” Mr. Ecker said, avoiding eye contact. “I don’t think he’s gonna be able to see you anytime soon.”

 “What? But he’s normally done with his meetings at this time. How much longer is it gonna take him?”

 “Who knows. He’s been spending more time with her nowadays.” 

“Her? Who are you talking about?” 

Mr. Ecker’s mouth was slightly parted and his eyes widened as if he had told me something he wasn’t supposed to. “Has he…not mentioned her to you yet? He’s been seeing her for the past year now.” 

“No? Is this person my dad’s assistant or something?” 

“Well, yes, she is.” Mr. Ecker paused before looking me in the eyes. “But she is also the woman that your father has been recently dating.”

“What? That’s not possible. Dad’s always busy because of his meetings–he doesn’t have the time to be seeing another woman. Plus, he still loves mom and would never cheat on her.” 

“Sonya, your father rarely has meetings anymore. He spends most of his time seeing his assistant.”

“Stop messing around with me. Where is he? I have to tell him something important.” 

“Sonya. Your father is not going to see you. In fact, he recently told me how he was soon going to move in with his assistant. You should stop being stubborn and go back home now.”
“...move in with his assistant?! Dad would never do that! He loves me! He would never abandon me like that! Why else would he make me breakfast every morning? Why else would he pay for my tuition? Why else would he make us see mom every now and then?! It doesn’t add up!” 

“Ask your father yourself, then. See what he says. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to get back to work.” 

Mr. Ecker walked away, leaving me alone in the middle of the hospital. 

I don’t believe him. Dad loves me and cares about me. Why else would he make me breakfast every morning? 

I took a deep breath before searching for his office. The doors were tall and made out of dark wood, giving off ominous energy as if something bad was going to happen as soon as I opened any of them. Each door had a doctor’s last name engraved into it. I steadily walked through the halls of the hospital, occasionally seeing patients here and there. The patients were either sick or severely injured. One little girl with a cast on her right arm walked past me while holding hands with her mom. Her mom had such a gentle smile on her face and said sweet nothings to her daughter. 

“Don’t worry, your arm will get better soon.”

“I’ll make your favorite soup tonight for dinner.”

“It hurts less now, right? I told you everything will be okay.” 

The little girl sniffled every now and then, but still nodded whenever her mom said something. 

She suddenly spoke, “Mom, can you wash my back for me? It hurts too much.”

Her mother frowned and although her voice faded away, I heard two words.

“Of course.” 

My legs began to move faster as I searched for my dad’s office. It felt like the hallway was endless and I was getting nowhere. I looked left and right trying to spot my last name.

Martinez, Martinez, Martinez…

I found it. 

It was on the left side of the hallway where two of the lights were out. I felt a lump in my throat as I raised my hand to knock on the door. My heart stopped when I heard a woman’s voice in the office.

“So, when are you going to move in with me? I don’t live that far from you, so I’m assuming you’re going to sooner or later right?” 

“Yeah, I’ll move in soon, don’t worry. I just need to finish up a few things here.” 

The lump in my throat became bigger when I heard my dad’s voice. We’re going to move in with this random woman? What about mom? What about me? 

“Hm, I see. But what are you going to do about your daughter? Are you going to leave her in that woman’s care? She doesn’t even recognize her own daughter.” 

“What else am I going to do about Sonya? She has nobody else that can take care of her. It’s fine, she’s capable of taking care of herself and I’ll still send child support to her mother. Once she turns 18, she can earn money on her own.”

“Sounds good to me. Oh, I can’t wait for you to move in with me! It must have been very lonely with just your daughter, right? No worries, we can take care of each other once you move in.”

My chest hurt. My eyes were watery. My breathing became faster. My fingers and toes became cold and numb. There was a loud ringing in my ear and all I could hear was my heart beating. I hated how Mr. Ecker’s claim about dad cheating on mom and attempting to cut contact with us makes sense. 

The rushed breakfast, the way he doesn’t even look at or hold me anymore, and the way it feels like I’m just living by myself. I won’t ever be in the same room as him anymore. In fact, I don’t even want to breathe the same air as him. I hate Mr. Ecker, I hate the assistant, I hate my mom, and I hate my dad. But most of all, I hate myself! How did I not notice sooner? It feels like a tsunami just crashed down upon me. 

Hey, I’m Sonya. Charmed, I’m sure! I know what you’re thinking: ‘She’s so cool!’ ‘I want to be her!’ You must be in love with me, right? Don’t worry, I guess I can do the honor of befriending you guys!

No, no! None of this is the real me! 

Why is this happening to me? What did I do to deserve this? I just want someone–anyone–to stay by my side. I have nowhere to go now! Even if I go home, I’ll be abandoned soon anyways! 

Suddenly, my dad’s office door swung open. 

“Sonya?” 

I looked up and made eye contact with my dad. He had a shocked expression on his face, but his eyes were blank like a doll’s eyes.

“How long have you been here? Why aren’t you home?” My dad said in a calm tone despite the situation he was in. The assistant walked towards the door as well before looking down at me.

“Is that your daughter? I thought you said she was home right now,” she said with a hint of annoyance in her voice.

“...I came to tell you that I made a new friend today,” I muttered while fiddling with my fingers. 

“I see. Well, good for you. You can invite them to our house if you’d like. The snacks are in the fridge,” my dad replied before reaching his hand down to pat my head. But, I slapped his hand away before he was able to do so.

“Who is that woman? Why are you moving in with her?” I snarled while pointing at his assistant. “And more importantly, what do you mean you’re leaving me in mom’s care?!” 

My dad glared at me before letting out an irritated sigh, which made me flinch. He never glared at me like that.

“She’s my assistant, Kylie.” My dad responded with a monotone voice but shot his assistant a small smile. His assistant smiled back at him before humming in content. “We’ve known each other for quite a while now and she has always treated me with kindness and respect. I decided to move in with her because I’ve fallen out of love with your mother. Your mother has been ill for years and she doesn’t even recognize me anymore. Frankly, I can’t recognize her as well; she has changed over the years. I’m sorry, Sonya, but it’s about time I move on and find someone else.”  

“What about me? Are you really just going to cut all contact with us?!” I barked while clenching my hands.

“Of course not. As I said before, I will still send your mother child support and you can contact me whenever you’d like. Plus, it’s time you start preparing to be an adult. If you practice earning money on your own, life will become much easier for you.” 

There was a short moment of silence before my dad spoke once again, “I love you, Sonya. You know that right?” 

He kneeled down to give me a hug, but my arms refused to wrap around his shoulder.

“Please understand, Sonya. Don’t worry, no matter what happens, I’m still your father.” 

He let go of me after a minute until I finally replied, “...Sure. Thanks for everything, Jason.”

My dad made eye contact with me again, but I could see slight pity in his eyes this time. He turned his back to me once more before returning back into his office. Kylie didn’t even bother to look at me and followed him before shutting the door in my face.

I let go of the breath I didn’t know I had been holding this entire time. Tears began to form in my eyes as I let out a shaky sigh. I should be breaking down. This should be my final reason. But my legs begin to move on their own, as if I had no control over my body anymore. Where am I going? Is there even anywhere I can go? Do I have a place to call home? I don’t know anymore. Before I knew it, I was in front of the room my mom was currently residing in. My breath hitched yet I proceeded to open the door. 

My mom was laying in bed while holding her doll close. She was petting the doll’s head and caressing the face gently with her free hand. I sneaked closer to my mom’s bed to get a better look at her. She had long honey blonde hair with brown eyes and a mole on her left cheek. Despite the heavy bags under her eyes, she still looked beautiful. I never realized I look exactly like her. Her eyes were closed though she was muttering nonsense to the doll; I could only comprehend the word “love.” Though the word “love” passed her lips, her face remained indifferent. I steadily pulled the doll out of her grip and placed it on the floor before climbing onto the bed myself. I laid down next to my mother and placed her hands on my cheek instead. The lights were dim and I couldn’t read her face, but a small smile was plastered on her face. Her thumb began to caress my face, which sent shivers down my spine. My head was dizzy and my limbs froze under her touch. I was crying. Not out of anger or sadness but out of realization. I muffled my sobs to not wake up my mom, but tear stains began to form on the bed sheets.

The hospital suddenly felt warm instead of cold.