The thing that wrecks me makes me stronger. Weird thing to say right? Wrong! My thing that wrecks me is my anxiety. The clinical definition for anxiety is “an emotion characterized by feelings of tension, worried thoughts and physical changes.” Many people also have “triggers'' which means something that sets off the anxiety. My “triggers” are school, messing up and looking stupid, but their is one main root of it which is a term called emetophobia, which is the fear of throwing up and seeing it. Anxiety has affected me in many different ways, friends, school, sports and family. When I get anxious many things happen because my stomach hurts, I get a headache or I get dizzy or I’ll get all three! Which leads to me refusing to do anything that makes me feel that way. 

    My first long bout of anxiety happened when I was ten in fifth grade. It was a four day week in the middle of April. I was in my homeroom class taking my AIR test, when my stomach started cramping and hurting. I left school early, and didn't return the next day. On Thursday I made it to the last hour of school before I left again! My parents were concerned, so they took me to the doctor. The doctor said nothing was wrong. The next day I was perfectly fine, and had no problems moving on through the school year. 

    In sixth grade I had small anxiety episodes, like I remember one vaguely. It was Valentine's Day and my class had a party at the end of the day. My stomach was hurting so I went to the nurse and laid down for an hour or so. When the nurse released me I was fine, nothing hurt anymore. It was a really weird experience for me but, sometimes I would leave school early because I just didn’t like school. So, my parents thought I was faking when I really had anxiety. From then on I was fine until eight grade.

    Eight grade 2021 - 2022. AKA right now, currently I am in January of my eight grade year. I have been dealing with severe anxiety since the end of September. My anxiety first started off as my stomach hurting in science class on a random Thursday. I left school early because that was the first time I had been to the nurses office since coming in seventh grade. The next day was my friend's birthday and we were going to get ice-cream after school and go to the lively  homecoming parade, but I left early again and my parents made me stay in my room for the whole weekend! At that moment they didn’t know I was having anxiety; they just thought I was being defiant. When school started again that week I broke down crying, refusing to step foot in my junior high. I told my dad I was having friends troubles which was kinda true but to be honest I had no idea why my anxiety started then. There were a multitude of reasons why but I never figured out which one it was. I started seeing a therapist every Friday on zoom who helped me cope with my anxiety but it wasn’t really working. So, I was referred to another therapist which I met with twice a week and still with my original therapist once a week. I had a lot to handle going to school, soccer, and three appointments every week.

    After five weeks with one of my therapists, I was referred again to a therapist inside my school at the end of October. I also got an anxiety medicine called ProZac at ten milligrams. It was a green and white pill I would take every night and still do. I started ProZac on a Monday night at the end of a gloomy November and that Tuesday I was feeling amazing and I thought the medicine was working. Well, boy was I wrong. The rest of the week I felt terrible with the worst anxiety I have ever felt, the doctor forgot to tell us that the anxiety got worse before it got better. After that week it was Thanksgiving break or my second week of taking the medicine. After the first couple weeks I was feeling completely better and the anxiety was getting better a little at a time. 

    After Christmas break I started going to my classes full time every day which was a big jump from never stepping foot in the classrooms. Also, I started practicing full time at basketball practice and being a part of the games. By then my medicine had bumped up to twenty milligrams and I was still taking it just because my anxiety wasn’t completely gone. I still meet with my very first therapist and my school therapist. Even though the anxiety isn’t that bad I still like talking about my feelings and experiences. 

        I always tell myself that I’m not alone. Sometimes I may think I am but I’m not. Everybody deals with anxiety in some way, it may be more severe or less depending on the person. If you're just getting started with your anxiety just remember If you get medicine, the medicine will not do the work for you, YOU have to be strong enough to push yourself to get rid or lessen your anxiety. No matter how long it takes me I am still me, anxiety is just one small part of my life that I won’t remember in twenty years. I am not fully rid of my anxiety but I am coping with it, and it has made me a stronger and better person of myself. The thing that wrecks you makes you stronger.