Death. It wasn't something I thought about regularly, or at all. I knew death was inevitable. I just never truly thought the day would come. I was always raised in a sheltered area, Mariemont. My parents made it so I felt that no bad things ever happened, only good. This isn't necessarily a bad thing, it just made it so I never got hurt. No one had ever died in my family, my life has always been great. Little did I know what would come and burst my bubble. 

I’m young, I had never broken a bone or had a horrible surgery, and my parents were still together. I took most things for granted, my house, my family, my education, my life. I didn’t think anything of these things because they were always there for me. The most important thing it took for granted was life, how each day I wake up healthy and have a roof over my head. I had never thought about how the whole world isn’t all sunshine and rainbows, that bad things happen to good people. Until that day I wasn’t grateful for everything I had, especially my life.

10:36, 12:47, 1:52, 2:55. I keep checking my phone waiting for a text, waiting for someone to just tell me it's all going to be okay and that everything is fine. No text. It's 3:56 the bell is going to ring for school to be over, finally. My stomach is twisting and turning. Bing! There’s the bell. I get out of my chair and grab my bag, I think I’m going to throw up. I feel the cool air brush my cheeks as I walk out of the doors of the school. Palms sweaty, on edge, what’s going to happen as I open the door and step into my car. My dad is in the driver's seat and my mom in the passenger seat, then I glance at my mom's face and she is trying to hide her face from me. That's when I know she didn't make it, but there is still hope in my heart. Then I see the look in her eyes so sad yet trying to keep everything together for me, the look is indescribable you would only know it when u see it. 

There is silence in the car and then my mom says,“She’s gone gigi”.

 I feel the tears start to fill my eyes ,“No No No” I say. 

This can’t be happening. I think “she’s not gone, she can’t be gone.” I don’t know how to feel, tears coming down my cheeks like waterfalls. My mom got into the back seat with me and said 

“I’m so sorry gigi”,

 “why why why” i say

 “when did this happen” 

“why didn’t you tell me”

 “why couldn’t they have saved her”

 “why mom”.

 I didn’t want to accept it, 

“she’s not dead” i said. I felt so empty and heartbroken. 

“It was cancer in her back legs”, my dad said. It looked like he had been crying but was trying to hide it. 

“How didn't they know?”, “why didn't they save her?” I asked, 

my voice getting louder by the second . Thoughts and questions filled my mind, I felt so empty crying all the way home. My dad tried to explain it to me, 

“Gigi they couldn't see the cancer when they took x-rays. When we took her to the emergency room they told us they couldn't save her, that the only way to make the pain that she's feeling go away is to put her down.” 

“Dad,” I say, my voice trembling, 

“ I never got to say goodbye.”

 My hoodie sleeves wet from all my tears. 

“ I'm so sorry, Gigi,” he says. 

My mom takes me and holds me in her arms trying to comfort me, in the backseat of the car. As she kisses my head she says 

“ I'm so so sorry we said goodbye for you, she knew you loved her so much.” 

I got home and I didn’t even want to be in my own house. I walked in the house and she didnt come and greet me at my door. Every time I walked by her bed or looked at her toys I started crying. I had lost one of the most important people in my life. I didn't know what to do with myself.

I remember I knew something was wrong, everything was off. The skies were gray and the past week had been a nightmare. My dog was my best friend, she was like the sister I always wanted. I told her all my secrets, layed on her when I was sad, and watched me grow up. Everything started early in the week, she started to not be as happy as she used to not want to play or run and jump. My mom tried her hardest to be optimistic the whole time, she didn't want me and my brother to be sad. My family would call me to check up on me and say nice things like “look on the bright side” “don't lose hope” “it's going to be okay” “everything will work out”. I Don't think I've ever heard the words “it's going to be okay” more in my life than in that week. One of the hardest things is when people tell you “it's all going to be okay” and you know it's not, you want to be optimistic and agree but in the back of your mind you know it's not. I think the calls and texts made it worse, because it felt like they were lying. I knew it wasn't going to be okay and so did they. She started to walk slower. My mom took her to the doctor and they said nothing was wrong, that she must have “pulled something” and gave her some pain medicine. 2 days into the pain medicine my mom noticed that the pain medicine was making her worse not better. She would yelp at night time, her back and hind legs in pain. It hurt me to see her in so much pain, you could tell she was sad and that she hurt. The day she was scheduled to go to the vet was a school day. Before I went into school I told my mom to tell me what happens. She never ended up telling me what happened because she didn't want me to find out that way. It all of that leads up to that one September day after school. 

There are 5 stages of grief. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. I went through each and every one of these but I think the most important one is acceptance. No matter how many times people say “I'm so sorry” it won't change the fact that that person is gone and is never coming back. That is the hardest thing in the world to accept, but I did.You can be mad, you can scream into your pillow at night and ask yourself “why me” and “why now”. You can be sad and cry as much as you want. Doing those things won't fix anything that happened and it won't make your problems just magically go away. Acceptance doesn't come immediately after what happened, it takes time. Time to accept that it was great having that someone while it lasted. But they are gone, and never coming back. I truly realized that you can't take anything for granted and to be grateful for every day you get to spend with the people you love. So this is goodbye to my volleyball buddy, walking partner, secret keeper, best friend and doggy sister. You will always hold a special place in my heart, and will never be forgotten. Thank you for everything ella. It was fun while it lasted.