I was born to protect the flower for as long as I possibly could. Never give it away, don’t let anyone take it, and never hand it out like it is something I can get back but most of all don’t underestimate its importance. Forever must I remember once I allow someone to take it there is no going back, no way to ever undo what had been done, not possible without a time machine taking back the moment of weakness I surrendered. Burned into my memory and brain and yet every rebellious atom in my body wanted to turn against my conscience. I must hold it together, I must stay the good girl I have always been, forever and always must I be the little girl that made my mother proud. 

Growing up I always wondered why it is when people are told to do something a certain way the opposite choice is more daring than ever, and even more compelling, like a lust they must give into. I held onto this pure little girl who looked up and smiled at my parents and friends. The girl whose intentions were never nothing but pure. I could never imagine why everyone just didn’t do what they were told. It wasn’t until that day, the day I turned against everything I ever was told by my parents and self to obey, the day I gave my flower away I realized why people didn’t always follow the rules, why they didn’t do what was expected of them, why my parents worried of who I’d grow up to become. It was the lust, the desire, the want, the feeling of need, the relief of not saying “what if” that was so much stronger than the want to stay obedient forever. That day the little girl in me that screamed “ PROTECT THE FLOWER” but couldn’t do more but allow her tired arm to finally let go and gave in to the girl that was always in a rush to grow up. The girl my parents would never agree with but couldn’t stop, the girl that let into every desire she wanted, and the type of girl to do things my strong protector couldn’t imagine. Everything felt different yet still the same girl, still small, still a little oblivious, but never stupid. She was me and I was her, whoever she was or is. 

Now I am no protector, but now I must learn to protect myself, my heart, mind, and my soul. Now I must trust myself to make the right choices. I must believe in myself. I must be able to control my life. I must learn to control myself. I must control the desires of my mind and must lead with my head not my heart. I must be responsible for not only myself but those who soon will be under my protection. 

I see myself once again being a protector but not of my flower but to the bee that was nourished from the gorgeous purple flower I had protected for so long. Now I will nurture this bee with an all you can eat garden full of flowers to nourish on, since during this moment once again I have a voice in my head yelling “ PROTECT THIS BEE AT ALL COSTS ''. Once again I must be a protector except this time I won’t be giving it away, I won’t hand it off, and I won’t let anyone take it away from me. I will never underestimate the importance of my bee, my precious little bee who is the embodiment of something so pure and full of life. 

I am a protector. First, the protector of my flower, which I happily gave to the person I trust the most in the world to not underestimate its importance. I have no regrets. It was a beautiful and momentous moment of my life. Then of myself, to fully understand the person I’ve become and who she aspires to be. I still haven’t fully figured her out. Most of all, my precious little bee, the bee I will forever cherish, my love, my outcome; I will never let you go unfed, unnurtured, unwanted, or unloved because I will forever be and do all these things for my gorgeous little bee. I was born to protect my little bee.