Down, down, down pulls the ball and chain around my ankle. If I’m not careful I will sink. The weight of the ball grows heavier each day. I try to fight it, but it’s far too heavy for me. I try to keep my head above the water with little success. Finally, I grow too tired and give in. I allow myself to surrender to the weight at my ankles. I take one last breath, one last glimpse of the bright world, before it pulls me under. I sink slowly, watching the light fade away as I sink further into the abyss. And then there is nothing but darkness. No hint of light, no sounds, nothing. It’s so dark and lifeless that I can’t tell which way is up. Even if I were to escape the ball and chain, I would have nowhere to go. So I stop struggling, and let it continue to drag me to the bottom. I drift off to sleep, knowing I’ll have to repeat this same battle again tomorrow.

I wake with my stomach churning, already anxious to find out what this day has in store. I go through today’s schedule in my head, making a list of all the things that could go wrong throughout the day. Then I make a list of all the ways I can avoid these accidents. Now I’m ready to start my day. I stumble to the bathroom to wash the worry from my face. I examine myself in the bathroom mirror. My undereyes are a dark purple due to the lack of sleep. This is normal though. Most nights I lay awake hoping to fall into sleep for at least a couple hours, just enough to get through the day without collapsing. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to get a full night of sleep. Would I still wake up wanting just a couple more minutes of sleep, or would I be rested and ready to start my day? No use in wishing for what I can’t have. I continue to get ready for school; I can feel the ball and chain tugging at my ankle the whole time.

Today is my last day of school. This should calm my anxiety, but instead it makes it worse. A normal person would look at it like this: it’s their last day of school, no more homework or annoying classmates, just time to have fun. But my brain is wired a little differently. My brain has me anxious at the thought of signing everyone’s yearbook, people trying to make plans with me over the summer, and what I’m supposed to do with my free time. I like having a set schedule, something I can follow every day. It brings me a sense of peace and control. Now that school is out I have to find a way to fill my time and keep myself busy. I worry that if I’m not distracted my anxiety will take over, the ball and chain will finally get its way, and I’ll sink under the waves forever. I know it sounds like I’m being dramatic, and trust me, I wish I were. It’s not like I haven’t tried to make it go away, I have, but nothing has worked. I definitely don’t want to feel this way. Things could be worse I guess.

Since it’s the last day of school we don’t have any work to do in class. So I fill my time by making another list. I do this quite often if you couldn’t tell. Lists are another thing that brings me peace. I like to watch them get smaller as I check off the tasks that are completed. This list includes things or activities that I can do to keep busy. A couple things on the list: walk my dogs, keep my car clean, find a summer job, try new recipes, and make plans with Molly. Molly is my cousin/best friend. She’s only three months younger than me, so we’re basically twins. We have been attached at the hip since the beginning. She’s also one of the few people that knows how to deal with my anxiety. I’ll try to hang out with her as much as possible this summer. 

My leg bounces frantically as I wait for the final bell to ring. I have all of my stuff gathered so I can get out of here as fast as possible. The bell finally rings. I jump up and dart for the door. Unfortunately most of my classmates had this same idea too. So now everyone is crammed in the hallway rushing to get out. There’s people on every side of me. This isn’t good. I can feel my chest tightening. I focus on my steps, counting each one I take. Apparently it takes one hundred and thirty steps to get from my class to my car. I’m finally by myself. With the air conditioning cranked and the radio blasting, I drive home. 

I come home to an empty house. My older brother moved out last year, and my parents work, so I come home to an empty house on the weekdays. I usually don’t like being alone because it gives my thoughts full reign. However, I enjoy being alone after school. It gives me time to recharge a little. I don’t give myself too much time though. After a little while I start to feel the loneliness and have to distract myself. I usually do so by preparing dinner for my family. So that’s exactly what I do. 

My favorite activity on my list is my shower. It’s my favorite because when I’m in there I can imagine all of my anxiety is being washed down the drain. I can feel it slip off of me like the soap suds. I also like showers because they mean that I’ve almost made it through another day. I know after my shower all that’s left on my to do list is brush my teeth and go to bed. I take my time in the shower, not wanting to let go of the comforting feeling the warm water and steam brings me. Eventually I get out and change into my pajamas. 

As I lay in bed I feel the weight at my ankle start to get lighter. This is my anxiety’s way of telling me I’ve beaten it once again, now I can rest. As my eyes grow tired I make a list of all the things I will do tomorrow. I drift off to sleep knowing that I won the battle against my ball and chain today, but I will have to do it all over again tomorrow. While this doesn’t bring me much comfort, I fall asleep anyway, exhausted from dragging the weight at my ankle.