Each morning is the same. Thoughts pounding through my head. My eyes glaring back at myself. All I see is an ugly reflection, one that isn’t good enough for anything. I ask myself why I wasn’t good enough for him. Why would he feel the need to go and be with another girl when he still had my attention and love? These thoughts in my head, swirling like tornados. It feels like a never ending storm and the last thing I needed to hear was that I had a mental disorder. I wake up everyday and only see darkness. I see food and instantly want to throw up. It’s getting so bad to the point where you would look at me and think I am dying. Skin and bones, dark circles and disastrous hair. I can’t find any joy in anything anymore. My body feels tied down to this bed as if one hundred elephants were standing on top of me. I feel like my world is crashing down, and I can’t do it anymore. 

I open my eyes to see another day, instant chills rushing through my body, small bumps rising on the surface of my skin. I look down at my hands. Blue. The color of someone’s lips as if they had frostbite. Not only was it my hands but there were marks all around my body. It looked as if I had fallen from a five story building hitting every corner of every window sill on my way down. 

I sprint down the stairs to my mom, about to be flushed out by tears. I have no idea what is wrong with me but I need help and I need it now. “Mom! What is happening to me? Take me to the hospital now. NOW!” 

She looks at me with horror in her eyes. I fall to the floor and the next thing I know is I am being rolled into the hospital on a stretcher.

As I close my eyes on this cold, non cushioned bed, I see darkness flashing with red and white. It’s a horrible nightmare for someone to have. But for me it’s the nightmare I live in everyday. I am stuck in this place. Tan walls, concrete floors, metal bunk beds with a thin mattress pad on top. 

Girls crying on one side, girls fighting on the other. I am here to find peace but the things I am surrounded with don’t really bring any peace to me. When you hear of an average teenage girl you think of all the girls you see in the highschool movies where their life looks like a fairytale. Unfortunately, that’s not reality. Growing up, going from elementary school, to middle school, and then on to high school, life is a trainwreck and hits you like a bus. For me, it hit me hard. I was constantly getting myself into the wrong friend groups. I would fall out of doing my school work and the hardest one of all is I just never wanted to be around my family. When you fall into a dark place, it’s hard to recover. I just couldn’t do it myself. So that’s why I am here. The place everyone fears. Constantly being watched, surrounded by girls who are insane.

The food here is horrible. I never realized that when you go to a place where you think they can help, you would at least get a normal bed, good food, and people wouldn’t be fighting because we are all supposed to be supporting each other, or as I thought. But no, it is just like being trapped in prison. I am constantly trying to fight my way through every little hard time here. I want the help but it is hard to see any kind of light when I am being treated like a prisoner. 

Shaky hands, constantly sweating, mind running at lightspeed, it’s time for a change. I looked through the tiny window at the top of my wall and saw something crazy. The most beautiful thing I had seen in years. Birds flying in a flock. But not only in a flock. An organized pattern. I look up and see the birds in the shape of a heart surrounding the sun. At the end of the bright light tunnel I saw something. It was him. Standing next to him was a girl with long, black, knotted hair with extremely pale skin. 

I woke up, opened my eyes and realized I didn’t have a nightmare that night. I realized I had a dream. There has never been the feeling of sparkles and light in my body until I opened my eyes. I reflected on what I had seen that night, and what I realized was something I never expected. My escape, from everything. I know this is a sign and if I don’t take it into consideration, I might never get better. 

It was him. God. I have never been one to actually believe in him, because I have never had a real life experience where I knew he was there with me. However, sitting here right now I can’t get the image out of my head. I have to go do something. 

I get off my hard, creaky bed that feels like I am laying on a bunch of tiny nails. My feet touch the cold, cement floor and my body is filled with instant chills. I see this drawer in my nightstand that I have never once opened. Something was telling me to just open it because there is something I need in there. I walk over to the brown, dusted top nightstand and hesitate to open it. I take a deep breath, and inside is something I never expected to see. I know it is real now. I grab the one, single object sitting in the drawer. I hold it up to the light and just ask him If this is real, give me a sign. If this will help me give me a sign. Tell me now. I close my eyes for a good minute, and when I open them back up I slowly peek through my eyelids scared to see if anything has changed. My room looked the same, so I decided to stand on my bed and peek out the little tiny window at the top of my wall. The sunlight beaming down right through my window, and before I knew it, a little red bird was sitting on the window sill, just like the dream I had last night. Water began to fill my eyes, sweat dripping down my neck, and my hands starting to shake as I hold this holy bible. This was it. This was my escape.

I haven’t been able to get out of my bed and try to socialize with people for days. But after this morning I had to get out of this room. As I walk out into the cafeteria, I see new girls, old girls, mean girls, and lonely girls. I remember what it was like when I first got here. I was one of the lonely girls. Coming here, in such a bad state of mind I didn’t want to talk to anyone. I didn’t want to see anyone, and I especially didn’t want to make friends with any of the girls here. 

I look over to my left where there are about 6 tables each with one girl at them. That was me when I first came here. I start to walk over to them and a thought rushes through my head. I know that they might not want to talk to me but maybe I can get them to. The first girl I approach, knotted long black hair, pale skin, and really dark eye circles. This girl was me. This girl was the mirror image of myself when I first got here. I hesitate a little to go up and talk to her. 

“Hi, I’m Alexis.” These words rolled off my tongue as I slowly sat at the round table with plastic chairs. She lifted her head up and just stared at me in the eyes for a few minutes. I am starting to get scared because I have no idea what is happening at this point or if I had just messed up. 

“Hey, I’m Mary.” The girl whispered as she put her head on the table. 

“Are you okay?” I was kind of concerned. I didn’t know what to do next. I hesitated to even ask that question because when I first got here, I hated that question.

“Yeah, I’m fine. I don’t want to be here.” 

“No one does, but I promise it will get better. Hey can I talk to you about something that happened to me this morning?”

“Go for it,” Mary said in a sort of sarcastic voice. I was gonna tell her anyway whether she said yes or no. 

“Okay so, I have been here about two weeks now. And the first night I got here, I had a nightmare. Every single night from there on out it was a nightmare. But, last night I had a dream. And I wasn’t really sure it was a dream till this morning when something led me to the holy bible. Mary, I think that this is a sign that maybe god will be the one to help us. I saw you. I saw you in my dream Mary. You were standing next to him.” My voice gets louder and louder as I speak each word. I am breaking out a sweat. I just need someone to understand me. 

“Alexis, that’s crazy. You had a dream about me standing next to god and now you just think that is going to be the solution to everything?”

Well that was not the response I was expecting. 

“I don't know Mary. I really don’t okay? But why not just give it a shot?”

“And what do you think is going to happen if we start studying the bible?” By the way Mary said this I could tell she was annoyed. But I knew my job here was not done.

“Well maybe we will build a connection with the one man that so many people go to for everything in their life. Maybe he will help us get better. Maybe he can help us get out of this hell hole Mary. I know you don’t want to be here. I have been here long enough and I’m ready to go home.”

“Fine,” she grudged. 

The next couple of days Mary and I studied the bible long and hard. We started to take verses and connect them to our lives. We created lists as to how we could incorporate the word into our daily lives. Today is Sunday, January 14. Meaning I am supposed to get out in one more week. Mary and I are sitting at the round table where first met at, reading our bibles when we hear the phone ring. We glance over and see a supervisor go and pick up the phone.

“Hello, thank you for calling Twin Rivers Psychiatric Institution, this is John speaking how can I help you?” The supervisor said. 

Ick I have always hated that guy.

“Oh yeah of course! I will tell her to get her things together and let her know the news! She has been doing amazing things recently and I can’t wait for you to hear all about them!” 

I looked over. And as he said that, his eyes, staring at me like a deer in headlights. John comes over and tells me that my mom called saying she is coming to get me. A whole week early. My body was filled with joy. I am blaming this one on god. He did this. But he didn’t do it alone, I couldn’t have done this without Mary. 

OH MY GOD! MARY! I got way too distracted and completely disregarded the fact that this might be the last time I see her.

“If you didn’t hear, I am leaving today. I wanted to thank you for believing in me even through everything you are going through. Here, let me give you my phone number. I want you to text me the minute you get out!” I said as I started to choke on every word seeing tears roll into Mary’s eyes.

“Thank you so much for being the first person to care for me here Alexis. You have really given me hope. And I will definitely call you when I get out! We have to hangout sometime!”

I give Mary my number and go back to my room to pack my things. We aren’t supposed to take things from the hospital but this bible. This bible is something I am not leaving without.

About ten minutes after I finished packing all my stuff, they called me out. My mom was here to get me. I walked over to Mary and gave her a long tight hug.

“Until next time my best friend,” I said as I gripped her tighter in my arms.

Mary is crying too hard right now to get any words out at this point but I know she would have said it back if she could. 

I walk over to the big metal door where my mom is standing. I give her a huge hug and reach for the door. I slowly open the door and the first thing I see when I crack it open is a flock of red birds, and a beautiful sunshine beaming down right on the sidewalk in front of me. 

Two weeks have passed since I have been home. I started going to a church group with kids my age. My life has been so good. Kind of like that fairytale life you see in the movies but without the lovey dovey type of stuff. I am laying in my bed when I feel a strange vibration. No one has really checked in on me since I have been home so I thought it was weird for someone to be calling me. I don’t recognize the phone number so I hesitate to pick it up. 

“Hello?” I say stuttering, scared to know who is calling.

“Alexis! It’s Mary! I finally got out!”
“Oh my gosh Mary! That is great! I am so happy for you. Coffee tomorrow morning?”

“Heck yeah! I can’t wait to see you again and catch up on everything you have done since you have been home!”

It’s the next morning and I am on my way to go meet Mary at our local coffee shop. Seeing her for the first time out of the mental institute is amazing. She looks so much better. Her skin isn’t as white as snow anymore, she looks healthy, and her hair is long and beautiful, almost looking as if she had just spent a thousand dollars getting it done. Mary and I talked about our lives after the hospital and I decided to invite her to my church group. She loved the idea.

The next couple weeks, Mary started coming to church group with me. We started hanging out every single day. Not only did I find the person who could save me but I was also a person to save someone else. My lifelong best friend. Mary.