Hello, future trumpet section of our band! I see we have a total of two with us today. That’s completely fine; though we may be small, our section is always the most obnoxious, except we usually have permission, unlike the trombones. As the current trumpet section leader, I have been given the honor of telling you all how to properly be a trumpet this upcoming marching season. While you all enjoy your cookies, just make sure to listen in sometimes. We all know you have a bad track record with doing so; the behavior just comes with the instrument. I would, however, like you to acknowledge that, as a fellow trumpet, I am going to demand your respect.

            Ugh, let’s start with the boring stuff: marching form. You stand with your back straight, shoulders back, feet together, yada yada yada. Okay, all of this is ridiculous, so, as your section leader, I am telling you now, all you need to do is stand nicely until you start marching; once your feet move, all bets are off. Do you fold halfway at your waist? Maybe you hold your shoulder clear up past your ear. Be you, you are a trumpet so everyone will just assume you are joking anyways. Step off with your right foot at all times, and make sure to drag your feet on the ground while you march. Everyone will drop to the ground in hysterics when you eventually trip at a marching competition. For a touch of flare, add in a little wave to the judges when they admire your clumsiness and newly dented trumpet, as the judges won’t be forgetting you any time soon. The clarinets might feel they have the right to fix your posture for “the good of the band” or whatever they claim; however, you are the superior B-flat instrument so you must shrug them off and start playing runs up and down the scale until they stop talking. They just don’t possess the ability to comprehend the genius behind your stunt.

            Okay now with the boring stuff out of the way we have…(look at notes) no I don’t care about that. No… they’re eighth graders so they’ve learned note names by now, why would someone, I mean I write such a thing? No one cares about volume, just as long as you’re loud, so why bother? Oh, my favorite part! THE SOLOS! As trumpets we must take any opportunity to show the band who really runs the show here. Percussion plays the beat, sure, but do they know how to change a march into a freeform jazz performance in the course of three bars? Flutes have their high trills and give the band a touch of flare, I guess. Us trumpets, though, we give the band the zest they need to keep a crowd engaged. The best way to bring things to an entirely new level of amazing is the addition of a trumpet solo, so when any are added, all trumpets must prove their superiority over the rest. We already have the privilege of the trumpet handshake with the slogan, “Hi I’m better than you,” when addressing any other instrument; however, when the exchange is between a pair of particularly good trumpets, prepare for an all-out musical brawl reaching new heights in notes, accidentals, and accents. The one chosen for any given solo has the right to gloat to the losers who couldn’t reach their heights. If you happen to be one of those losers, what are you even doing in the trumpet section?

            If you only take away one thing from my speech today, remember you are the star. Now, I know carrying the band is a very intimidating responsibility, but when you first picked up your brilliant brass instrument, you signed up for the job. One of you was born for glory, and I am so happy to have had the opportunity to present to the future figurehead of the band. Don’t be afraid to take control and be eye-catching. Whatever you do, don’t show weakness. As a trumpet, you are the band, so enter your freshman year with the confidence of an experienced senior. Eventually you might play like one too. I hope the for best for both of you. Make these coming years of high school marching band your one man show and make your backup band proud.