“Our envy of others devours us most of all.”
Alexander Solzhenitsyn

“Do you remember that day when we went walking and saw the seasons change in a single afternoon? “
“Is that even possible?”
“What was possible?”
“The seasons changing in a day.”
“…Anything is.”
The leaves fell around us crisp and tender leaving the branches bare and exposed. The sun sauntered across the sky and lifted our hearts before disappearing into a mass of clouds. Thunder bellowed and snowflakes fell onto our noses, seeping into our pores. Flowers bloomed around us and sprung from weeds and dead debris. We sat on a bench and lapped in the idea that this was just like any other ordinary day.
“You’re not mad at me are you?” I asked with a timid voice
“No, there’ no point, it’s too late anyway.” She answered quietly
“I didn’t………..” I mumbled
She shushed me and told me to just enjoy the moment, it could only happen once.
Four weeks before that day I sat at my mirror brushing my wet and tangled hair. When dry it gave the appearance of a silky, long mane. Beneath the façade it was split ends and knots. My dark rum coloured hair was from my mum’s side and my piercing blue eyes were from my dad’s. I looked at my body and adjusted my clothes. Smiling into the mirror my pale pink lips curled at the sides and my square top nose was pinched in the centre. This is me I told myself you can’t change yourself and others can’t change you. Three years ago my best friend Sarah had died leaving me to spend the rest of my life pondering whether or not I was to blame. I started the beginning of her end, does that make me a murderer? The day she knocked on my door I never knew that I would kill her.
“Help me open it.” She said handing me a letter from Yale. Slowly I opened the letter hoping she hadn’t have been accepted. I breathed in and tasted the scent of her sweat rose perfume. Her thick, wavy chestnut locks covered her eyes. I could sense the anticipation in Sarah and the envy in me. “ You’re in” I said half-heartedly and faked a smile. She jumped onto my bed and screamed with delight, “It’s coming true our dream is coming true!” Inside my head I shouted my dream is coming true not ours. That weekend I found out that I had not been accepted. I had also made the mistake of putting all my eggs in the one basket. The basket had slipped out of my grasped, fallen and shattered all the eggs.
“Don’t worry, there are so many other schools to consider.” Sarah said reassuringly
I guess I should have been happy for her after all she was my best friend and she had a lot going on in her life. Her father had left home and mother was dating again. Sarah picked her bag from the ground and as she did a hard covered, small black book fell out. I picked it up and sighed. Sarah had kept that journal ever since she had read Go Ask Alice. I knew her life was never exciting as the book. Passing it to her she snatched it and headed out the door.
A week later after Sarah had stayed at my house for the weekend she left her bag. I was so sick of her annoying comments about Yale and how she could escape her mum. She should have been happy for her mum after all ho doesn’t want their mum to be happy? Every mention of Yale was like nails digging into my skin. I was so unlucky in life I never won anything or had good things happen to me only Sarah did. Feeling sick at the though of her waltzing down the halls of Yale with her hair flouncing in the motion. I went to the bathroom and vomited. It wasn’t a new thing this whole vomiting situation. I had been doing ever since I was fourteen. It let me control something in my life. I loved it when people complimented me on my fast metabolism and my slim frame. When I felt stressed or upset I ate and ate and ate. When I couldn’t eat anymore I would rush to the toilet, keep the tap running and purge. It made me feel better; it made everything better.
That weekend Sarah left her bag picking it up I noticed the diary and ran my hand against the cover. A shiver ran up my spine and unsettled me. I opened the first page and read it; humans are damned by their curiosity. I read and read she spoke of a “him” coming to her at night and touching her. He would make her do things and if she didn’t he’d threaten her. It happened night after night, tears stained the pages and ran the ink. Pages spoke of my purging and how she knew and had told my parents. Reading this enraged me and I couldn’t control myself anymore. I took the diary and hid it away from my conscience and away from Sarah.
The next day at school I photocopied all the pages from the diary excluding the ones on my bulimia. Gathering the mass of white pages I sliced my finger on a sharp corner. The blood dripped from the side of my finger ran down to the palm of my hand. “Just my luck.” I thought as I walked down the hallways with a look of contentment on my face. I scattered the pages across the floor and into lockers without a second thought. The pages landed in silence and coated the ground with secrets and hate. The classrooms doors burst open and a herd of students rampaged out. Picking up the pages as they went. The hallways were eerily silenced with reading. Sarah looked up at me with a single tear in her eye. Seeing what I had done the guilt sank in and I chased after her trying to make a mends. I knew it was impossible to make up for what I had done, I had destroyed her life. She ran full pelt away from me and away from her shameful secrets. I couldn’t believe that it was even possible to do something like that to a best friend just because of jealousy. I didn’t believe it was possible that I had done it but I had.
That night Sarah was found in her room dangling form the ceiling. Her body swung in a hypnotic motion and face pointed down so her green eyes were hidden from view. Her eyes showed the sadness and pain, which had been inflicted in her life due to my single actions.
Three years later after I ha finished brushing my hair and examining my face I headed out the door. I was going to my Yale interview I had been asked to come in as a part of my transfer script. After two years at a state college my dreams were finally coming true and I was on my way to the beginning of the rest of my life. The possibilities were infinite and if I aced this interview I knew that the rest of my life would be insured. The campus of Yale was elite and sophisticated. The students look happy and intelligent. As soon as I walked into the building a flash of Sarah strolling around entered my mind. I shook my head and continued on my way trying to forget about her and everything she represented.
My interview had gone well and I was now a student of Yale one of the eight ivy leagues. The night after my first day of school I dreamt of Sarah and I sitting on a bench watching four seasons in one day pass. I tried to explain myself to her and she stopped me. She had forgiven me after all I had done to her, she had forgiven me. For the most past we sat in silence feeling the mutual need to share each other’s company. When I awoke I was late for college. I jumped up frantically heading for my car in my pajamas. My mind was in panic and I saw Sarah in the passenger seat beside me. She looked at me with those sad green eyes. I looked up and saw a truck heading right towards my car for a head on collision. I swerved to avoid it and crashed into the side of the bridge. The cement and metal deformed my car as I soared through the barrier and flew off the side of the bridge heading into the water. Sarah held my hand and said, “Don’t worry it will ok.” I nodded as we plummeted into the dark abyss of the unknown. The impact of the water hitting the car threw me back and my broken bones and mangled body slammed against the inner of the car. I looked to my left and followed Sarah into the darkness in which she dwelled. Now I too would hide in the darkness for the rest of eternity, searching for redemption and holding onto that dream.