Fredrick had told me a long time ago, that I might forget what I’m looking for but that I should never forget where I’m going. I now knew the true meaning of his words. The loss of all our money and our hopes and dreams had been one thing, but now I had lost him too. I had forgotten why we even wanted to move away so badly. I looked out upon the vast desert in front of me realizing now how hard it would be to raise a family here. I wished that I was back in our tiny cabin in the woods, surrounded by oak trees and hunting deer. Wishing I could run my hands through fresh linens that hung along the clothing lines on the porch. I would never again straighten his collar, or let him hold me on cold nights when we didn't have blankets. Now all I had of him was a small silver band wrapped around my ring finger and now even that would be gone when I had to pay the wagon driver. I relished in it for a moment, taking the time to stroke the smooth surface with my finger. I raised my hand toward the setting sun, spreading my fingers and letting the light hit the sides of the ring. Closing my eyes I let the last bits of light cascade down my face and warm my chest. My dirty blonde hair curled up at my collar bones and the dress I was wearing was a dusty light pink with mud stains circling the bottom.
“Almost to the town ma’am” the wagon driver called over the trotting horses.
“Thank you, sir, you’ve been awful nice to me.”
“Try to hold on a little longer, I’m sure someone in the town will take you in considering your situation.” I managed a small smile as he lifted the reins and snapped them down swiftly, hurrying the horses further.
The town was made up of no more than thirty buildings, seemingly constructed in haste. The wagon came to a stop in the center of the town near a tall clock tower next to a courthouse. The wagon driver turned to me and gave me a concerned look.
“I’m sorry about what happened to your husband, he was a good man I know it”
His concern seemed genuine, but I didn't want his pity. Fred and I agreed a long time ago that being pitied was worse than being hated, and if I wanted to continue living like Fred wanted me to, I would have to give up his ring.
“Here, take this as payment in full,” I removed the silver band from my ring finger and dropped it onto the seat next to the driver.
“I can’t accept this ma’a-”
“Take it. It's all I have left to pay you with and I’ll be damned if I move into this town indebted to someone.”
The driver nodded at me, seeming to understand and then he whipped the reins again lurching the wagon forward and then disappearing the way we came. I let out an exhausted sigh and looked around the small town. A building with ‘Saloon’ written across the front looked interesting, so I walked toward it. I stepped through the batwing doors and headed toward the bar. I sat on a stool at the end of the counter and the bartender asked me what I wanted to drink. I simply shook my head, he scowled at me then turned his attention elsewhere. A tall man with a bulging beer belly and a stained work shirt appeared next to me, twisting his head so he could get a good look at my face.
“You one of Mccarthy's new girls?” he asked me, letting his eyes move from my breasts to my backside.
“Have you no shame?!” I exclaimed holding my hand to cover the small amount of cleavage that escaped the top of my dress. He rolled his eyes, ordered a tall glass of beer and took the seat next to mine, inching far too close for my liking.
“It’s just you don't see many women come into this town without a purpose.” He gave me a slight wink and smiled to reveal revolting yellow teeth and alcohol laced breath that stung my nose.
“My husband of ten years, passed away on our journey here,” I admitted, too exhausted to hide what I had been feeling for the past few days. “He was looking for gold so we could get rich quick and buy a bigger house. We wanted to start fresh here.”
“I’m mighty sorry, I didn’t realize you been through so much, losing a husband has to be a hard thing for a handsome woman such as yourself.”
Disgusted by his advances, I pushed my seat out from under the bar and walked toward an empty table near the corner of the saloon. Sitting down at it I rested my head on my folded arms. Suddenly a stranger grabbed my arm and swiftly pulled me up from the table I was sitting on, shaking me violently as he did.
“Get out of my bar you dirty whore!” I stumbled to keep up with his feet as he pushed me toward the doors to the bar and gave me a swift kick that made me fall to my knees just outside the exit. I stayed in that position for a long time, reflecting on my situation, until I heard a raspy hum of a woman’s voice speak to me.
“He doesn’t take too kindly to girls who don’t buy anything and sleep on his tables.” she chuckled and stretched out her hand to me.
“If I had the money I would have bought a gallon of moonshine.” I took her hand and stood up facing her. She had deep blue eyes that sunk into her wrinkly face and bright red lipstick that struck me as odd for a woman her age. She smiled a warm welcoming smile at me and I found myself wanting to trust her.
“Well you can’t spend all night out here!” she exclaimed suddenly grabbing my wrist and pulling me. I let her lead me as we made our way down the street toward a large wooden household, the biggest in town and took me up to one of the rooms.
“You can spend the night here,” she concluded
“I can’t pay you” I tried to explain tiredly
“You can pay me back with work” she replied helping me to bed then leaving the room and closing the door. I was too exhausted to argue with her or leave the room. I simply laid down on the bed and shut my eyes until I drifted off to sleep.
The morning light cascaded into my bedroom coming from the single tall window in the corner of the room. The air smelled of fresh sausage and cornbread.
“This must be some sort of bed and breakfast,” I thought.
I took my time waking up and looked around the room. The walls were painted a rosy pink color that blended nicely with the other decor in the room with the exception of the bedspread which had brown and blue stripes. On the side table, there was small vase with a single flower placed in it. Sitting up, I moved swiftly toward the door and made my way down the stairs toward the kitchen following the scent of breakfast. Before I entered the kitchen through the narrow doorway I heard voices talking about me.
“Where do you think she came from?” asked a high pitched female voice asked
“We haven't had a new girl in a long time,” Said another girl’s voice.
“Now girls, please behave yourselves when she comes down,” a familiar raspy voice scolded.
I crept into the room, trying to make as little noise as possible.
“Are you that lady, the one that got thrown out of the bar?!” a tall skinny young woman asked me.
“My you sure are a pretty thing aren't you?” another girl, a plump brunette, asked me reaching out to touch my hair. I pulled away from them and scooted closer to the wall.
“Girls! I told you not to be rude to her,” The old woman that had brought me home the other night scolded. She stepped forward, taking my shoulders and urging me to sit down at a seat located near the middle of a long dining table. “What would you like for breakfast dear?” she asked me sweetly, laying a napkin on my lap.
“Maybe some cornbread?” I asked looking around at the table full of girls. They watched me carefully as if every word I spoke was astonishing. They bombarded me with questions about where I came from, places I had been and why I had come here. It reminded me of my family, I had three sisters and they always looked up to me because I was the eldest. Being here surrounded by curious faces and boisterous laughter was so nostalgic to me. I answered all their questions honestly until finally, they gave me a chance to ask questions.
“Is this some kind of shelter?” I asked. The girls around the table looked at me with unreadable expressions in their eyes. The old woman spoke up,
“Well I guess it is a shelter of sorts, My name is Ms. Ann Mccarthy and this is my call house,” She explained with pride. I looked at her, then looked around at the table. I had always been taught that women who shared a bed with strange men were unkind and unholy; but being around these girls just felt right, like I belonged here. Ms. Mccarthy gave me an apologetic smile,
“Just remember you are free here, and we won’t force you into anything you aren’t ready for,” I nodded at her sentiment. I may not have understood their reasons for selling themselves, but I knew there weren't many jobs for women to fill around here, and maybe this is all they could do to support themselves.
“Maybe I’ll stay for a while,” I said.