I wake up face down, covered in sheets that are not mine, silk. This is not my bed. Last time I checked I was Sofia, but am I still me? I flip over and look at my limbs. They’re not pale. Interesting.  Oh my god my legs look amazing, whosoever body I’m in, they definitely did the 20-day squat challenge. I look to my left and there is a framed picture of Beyonce holding some little girl who looks like the miniature version of Jay-Z. I think I’ve seen that girl before in some memes. What’s her name again? Blue-Nike? Ivy-Green? Green-Bean? Maybe it’s Green- Lentil. Yeah, that one definitely rings a bell.
As I continue analyzing the left side of the room, I feel something move on the other side of the bed. I turn over on my other side and almost piss myself when I see Jay-Z’s enormous face inches away from mine. I nearly had a stroke. Startled and confused, I sit up and scurry to edge of the bed. Who am I right now? Why did I wake up next to Jay-Z? But more importantly, why does he wear a leotard to sleep? I guess some people just have different methods when it comes to snoozing. I don’t judge. One time I met a guy who could only fall asleep if he was hugging a papaya.
As I glance over Jay-Z’s motionless body one last time, I start to get out of bed. The bedroom walls are covered in shiny gold paint that make the grammy’s on the shelf blend in. Suddenly, it all sinks in. I finally know who I am!  Everything is piecing together like a puzzle. Jay-Z, the grammy’s, the picture of Beyonce, my flawless legs. I can’t believe I didn’t catch this before. I’m Kanye! Duh. As I do a quick fist bump, I catch a glimpse of my reflection on one of the Grammy’s on the shelf. Since when does Kanye have boobs? I guess I probably should have noticed that before. I sprint out of the room to go find a mirror. I see the bathroom from the other side of the hallway and run so fast that for a second, I thought I was Usain Bolt. But then I remembered, Usain Bolt doesn’t doesn’t have boobs either.
I enter the bathroom only to find Beyonce standing directly in front of me! Oh wait, hold on, I’m looking into a mirror. And I’m Beyonce. Jeepers! Now this is a plot twist. Who would've known?!  Before I have time to register the fact that I am freaking Beyonce, Green-Lentil barges through the bathroom door. Whoa, who does she think she is? Does she have any sense of privacy? Who raised this animal? But once she starts calling me mommy, I realize that I did. I completely forgot that Beyonce has a daughter. So that’s where I remember this kid from. “Why hello Green-Lentil”, I say as I give her a firm handshake. Looking pretty bewildered, she starts crying. What did I do wrong? Did I not shake her hand firm enough?  After a couple minutes of questioning and google searches, I am quick to learn that Green-Lentil’s name is actually Blue Ivy. I also learned that moms aren’t supposed to shake their kid’s hand. Apparently once you're in the womb, you automatically pass that stage. As soon as I learn this, I try make it up by hugging her and showing her some of my favorite memes, but Blue Ivy only cries even harder and asks where her real mommy is. As I pick her up and embrace her, she looks scared for her life. Suddenly, I smell a foul scent. Blue Ivy immediately stops crying. The scent is coming from her. Oh no. She looks at me dead in the eyes and gives me the slyest smirk I have ever seen. She pooped. I drop the kid on the floor like a hot pocket straight out the microwave. Then I throw up in the sink. Blue Ivy thinks this is hilarious and laughs like a hyena.
My ears start ringing and I feel dizzy. I am in a war zone. I hate children. I hate this. I know it’s only been a couple of hours, but I don’t want to be Beyonce. My husband almost gave me a stroke when I saw him and my daughter used me as a toilet. I feel light-headed. I can’t do this. I collapse on the floor.
Suddenly, I wake up panting in my own bed. I look at my pale limbs and smile. I always thought being Beyonce for a day would be a dream, not a nightmare. I’ve never been happier to not wake up next to Jay-Z in a leotard. And I never thought I’d say this but, I got 99 problems but being Beyonce is definitely not one.