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The Twilight Saga in About Two Minutes

September 26, 2009
By LucyM BRONZE, Kent, Ohio
More by this author
LucyM BRONZE, Kent, Ohio
2 articles 0 photos 2 comments

Favorite Quote:
90% of my happiness is coming from my pants. <br /> <br /> Alright, alright, sorry, inside joke. Okay how about: &quot;If you give a man a fire, he&#039;ll be warm for a day; if you set a man on fire, he&#039;ll be warm for the rest of his life.&quot; -Terry Pratchett.

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[BELLA and EDWARD are onstage. EDWARD is staring over his shoulder like a creeper at BELLA.]



BELLA: Are you a vampire?



EDWARD: No! Yes...



[BELLA whirls around to face EDWARD.]



BELLA: I love you.



EDWARD: I love you too.



[They kiss. JAMES enters and stands menacingly behind BELLA.]



BELLA: Help! I'm in danger!



[EDWARD punches JAMES. JAMES falls and is no longer onstage. The pair kiss again.]



EDWARD: I love you. I don't love you. I have to go now.



BELLA: Aww.



[EDWARD exits. JACOB enters.]



JACOB: I love you too.



BELLA: Yay!



[They embrace. EDWARD rushes back in.]



EDWARD: Hey, get away from my girl!



JACOB: Or what?



[Michael Jackson music plays, preferably 'Thriller.']



EDWARD and JACOB in UNISON: Dance off!



[They dance for a short time before BELLA interjects.]



BELLA: Stop it! Can't you see- my eggo is preggo!



EDWARD: Yay!

JACOB: (with intensity) I am in love your child! [awkward pause] Hey, isn't there something about the Volturi?



EDWARD: Yeah, but that was anti-climactic.



BELLA: Nothing happened. Edward! Please! Kill me so I can live forever!



EDWARD: (looks doubtful) Okay.



[EDWARD pulls out a gun and shoots her. She collapses to the ground; JACOB face-palms.]





JACOB: I think she meant "bite me."



EDWARD: Oh.



[EDWARD bites BELLA.]



BELLA: (rising with arms outstretched) I'm aliiiiiive!



[RENESME, preschool aged, runs out from behind her.]



RENESME: I'm your daughter!



ALL: Yay!



[Cut to scene of the four skipping through a field with "Happy Together" by the Turtles playing. EDWARD, already shiny, takes his shirt off and blinds everyone with his whiteness. Music abruptly cuts off.]



EDWARD: Oops.



End credits.

The author's comments:
Don't flame, dudes. That's seriously lame. Feel free to film, just credit me in the credits and let me know if you're making a movie so I can check it out.
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JOIN THE DISCUSSION

This article has 1986 comments.

silverkiramoto BRONZE said...
on Apr. 12 2010 at 2:42 pm
silverkiramoto BRONZE, Clearlake, California
2 articles 0 photos 1 comment

Favorite Quote:
&quot;The mark of a true friend; when you get in to one of those situations where you&#039;ve really messed up or hurt yourself, and you did something stupid to get there, they will proceed to laugh at you, because they&#039;re honest enough to remind you of it.&quot;

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All I have to say is this...THANK YOU. I've been so surrounded by Twilight monkeys (aka my sister and stepmother) that this is a wonderful relief. Granted, I've read the books, I liked them alright, but ENOUGH IS ENOUGH. >> But, again, congrats.
little-miss-mistakes GOLD said...
on Apr. 11 2010 at 6:49 pm
little-miss-mistakes GOLD, Plano, Texas
18 articles 2 photos 70 comments

Favorite Quote:
even after all these years the sun has never said to the earth, you owe me... look at what a love like that can do, it can light up the sky

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hahahahah!!

awesome!!

ayu_2210 said...
on Apr. 11 2010 at 7:17 am
hey...that was hilarious..im still rofl. great work
Lexi-pex GOLD said...
on Apr. 11 2010 at 6:06 am
Lexi-pex GOLD, Billingham, Other
13 articles 0 photos 75 comments

Favorite Quote:
&quot;The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams.&quot;<br /> - Eleanor Roosevelt

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i thought that was so funny! definitely one of my faves. !
angel2745 BRONZE said...
on Apr. 11 2010 at 1:39 am
angel2745 BRONZE, Sacramento, California
3 articles 1 photo 32 comments
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That was awesome! I like Twilight but oh my gosh to the writer I do say you win at life :D:D:D:D
Ashton BRONZE said...
on Apr. 10 2010 at 8:23 pm
Ashton BRONZE, Somewhere, Oklahoma
3 articles 0 photos 8 comments

Favorite Quote:
Giving up doesn&#039;t always mean you&#039;re weak, it means your strong enough to let go.~Author Unknown

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I've read all of the twilight saga.  For a little while (2 months) I was completely obsessed.  Afterwards though, I laughed at myself.  This made me laugh even harder. BTW-this is hysterical!!!!
thisisascreenname BRONZE said...
on Apr. 10 2010 at 7:31 pm
thisisascreenname BRONZE, Sugarloaf, California
4 articles 0 photos 32 comments
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Im a huge twilight fan and i still thought that was funny.
haana114 PLATINUM said...
on Apr. 10 2010 at 1:42 am
haana114 PLATINUM, -, Other
22 articles 2 photos 26 comments
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really great!!hilarious!
CaitieCullen BRONZE said...
on Apr. 9 2010 at 8:59 pm
CaitieCullen BRONZE, Henderson, Nevada
2 articles 0 photos 2 comments
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Hey, just because we're defensive doesn't mean Twilighters can't have a laugh, too. :)
SapphireBlue said...
on Apr. 9 2010 at 7:43 pm
HAHAHAAHAH! i uz litterlly LOLING io the floor! I love Jacob! Stay away bella, hes mine
Penelope GOLD said...
on Apr. 9 2010 at 3:51 pm
Penelope GOLD, Hillsborough, New Jersey
13 articles 0 photos 14 comments

Favorite Quote:
There comes a time when you have to stop thinking of yourself as the main character in your own story, but as the suppporting character in someone else&#039;s story.

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AWESOME! Twilight haters unite!
evrycloudyday7 PLATINUM said...
on Apr. 8 2010 at 10:45 pm
evrycloudyday7 PLATINUM, Wappingers Falls, New York
28 articles 0 photos 41 comments

Favorite Quote:
&quot;As is a tale, so is life: not how long it is, but how good it is, is what counts.&quot; Seneca<br /> &quot;I&#039;ll just read a book instead. I don&#039;t care if we&#039;re just friends. I can hang out with myself I&#039;m old enough now to pretend. Bam ba dum ba dum ba dum.&quot; kate n

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hahaha omgsh the funniest thing ever! i laughed through the whole thing! love it! im gona go back and read it again now. bye!
possiblylindsey GOLD said...
on Apr. 8 2010 at 9:26 pm
possiblylindsey GOLD, Keller, Texas
12 articles 12 photos 74 comments

Favorite Quote:
&quot;see? if i liked chris drew, id end up like randy. 5 foot 1 and vegetarian. vegetarians arent men.&quot; -camden<br /> &quot;what are you grinnin&#039; at?&quot; - mr. martinez<br /> &quot;you just cant recreate stupid.&quot; - jacob

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THIS IS HIGHHHLARIOUS!!!!!! =] ohmg i loooove this!
NARUTO-FREAKhawkie said...
on Apr. 8 2010 at 8:18 pm
This is soooo much better than the real thing (which i don't like)! and it really sums up the whole saga perfectly. HILARIOUS!
SilverLuna SILVER said...
on Apr. 8 2010 at 7:56 pm
SilverLuna SILVER, _________, Washington
8 articles 0 photos 229 comments

Favorite Quote:
&quot;Come fairies take me out of this dull world, for I would ride with you upon the wind and dance upon the mountains like a flame.&quot;.... W.B. Yeats.<br /> &quot;Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.&quot; - Douglas Adams

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Love this!! It's hilarious! Great, great GREAT! lol
White-pallet GOLD said...
on Apr. 8 2010 at 7:45 pm
White-pallet GOLD, Havelock, North Carolina
13 articles 51 photos 9 comments

Favorite Quote:
&quot;When there is snow on the ground, I like to pretend I&#039;m walking on clouds.&quot;

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That was hilarious! Loved it :D
maritina BRONZE said...
on Apr. 8 2010 at 7:13 pm
maritina BRONZE, San Juan, Other
4 articles 0 photos 12 comments

Favorite Quote:
In life you never know what&#039;s gonna happen next...whether it&#039;s good or bad, for the worst or for the best. Either way you just have to take a chance and hope it&#039;s for the best...

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I LOVE IT!! I am sooooo showing it to my twilight-crazy friends! haha
BrainsANDBeauty PLATINUM said...
on Apr. 8 2010 at 6:28 pm
BrainsANDBeauty PLATINUM, Donnellson, Iowa
29 articles 3 photos 52 comments

Favorite Quote:
I knew that guy when he was a caterpillar, you know, before he &#039;came out&#039;

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Same here.
lostinsadie PLATINUM said...
on Apr. 8 2010 at 5:29 pm
lostinsadie PLATINUM, Dexter, Michigan
21 articles 0 photos 5 comments

Favorite Quote:
&quot;Poetry should not mean, but be.&quot; UNKNOWN

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ahahahahaha i died laughing!! this is soo perfect :D i don't favorite a lot of things, but i'm favoriting this! A+
Artemis_Girl said...
on Apr. 8 2010 at 5:04 pm
lol! that's so funny! I like those books, but this does pretty much sum them up!