I wake up to ice. The same ice I have woken up to for the last fifteen years, three months, one week and two days. The newborn…“light”, Nami calls it, bounces around the walls, making my usually drab cave dazzling. Nami calls the light’s birth and death “dawn” and “dusk”. That’s when the light illuminates my cave with “colors”, like “orange” and “red” and “pink”. Nami has many strange names for light. She used to teach me new names each night, but she can’t teach me any new names since she died. That was ten years, four months, and five days ago. No, wait. I add another score to my Important Counts. Ten years, four months, and six days ago.

I cross the cave to the little tunnel that leads to Nami’s cave. Poking my head in, I call “Nami? Nami!”

“Right here, nixta.” She materializes directly in front of me. “How is my Khova today?”

Squeaking, I jump back with a grin. “Nami, it’s startling when you appear right in front of me! I told you that!”

Her tinkling laugh echoes through the cave. “You did. But after all the times you ignored me, I think I can ignore you once in a while, little sister.”

Giggling, I scamper over to the food and get three snacks. Stuffing it into my pack, I grab my Sharp Rock and plant fiber rope. “Do I still have to listen to you if you’re dead? I mean, you can’t touch anything...” Her rebuke chases me down Third Tunnel as I head for the Little River.

“Khova, just because I am dead does not mean you are in charge! Do you understand me, luas?” Her voice follows me as I run, listening for the footsteps of a Big Animal.

Three minutes and thirteen seconds later, I arrive at the Little River. “I wish I was dead like you, loja. Then I could just appear at the Little River, instead of running.”

She materializes in front of me with a stern look on her face. “Nixta, it’s important to keep your body in good shape.”

I search the Little River’s waters, finding nothing. Quickly, I continue my patrol, taking two hours and fourteen minutes to check and reset the snares like Nami taught me while she keeps me company. After checking the Big River, I head for Home with five animals, seven plants, and two fish.

As I near the Bad Intersection, my breath becomes shallower, and I focus on counting. Eight steps later, I reach it and my heart jumps as I consider my options. To the left, the Long Tunnel, a safe path Home that will take one hour and seven minutes. To the right, the Bad Tunnel, a quick eleven minute path...that goes by the Bad Thing’s Home, the mere thought triggering my memory of the Worst Day.

Exploring a new tunnel, not realizing we need to keep our voices down, when it leaps from the shadows, a blur of teeth and gray fur.
Nami pushing me back and telling me to run, not knowing that I’m frozen to the floor as it stalks forward.

Her beautiful brown eyes as she looks at me and says “Khova, I want you to run back to the cave and count exactly how many steps it takes okay? Just focus on counting.”

Running, terrified, a sharp pain in my hand as it leaps for me.

Nami yanking it back, taking part of my hand with it, falling in a blur of red.

Her eyes as they tumble over the edge of the precipipe.

Running, and counting my steps, counting, counting, counting, because if I’m counting, I’m not thinking about the Bad Thing.

Gulping, I look down at my right hand, missing the middle two fingers. I’m not scared of dying-then I can appear anywhere like Nami. But what if dead things can make other dead things go away forever? What if I lose Nami?

“Nixta, you can do this.” Nami’s voice gives me strength. Squaring my shoulders, I take the Bad Tunnel.

Sixteen steps in, I’m barely holding it together. My chest heaves with terror, and all I want to do is run back to the Long Tunnel. And then I hear it. The crackle of paws on ice. As it rounds the corner, my eyes widen. It’s so different. It’s black now instead of gray, its pointy ears are tufted with white, and it’s so much bigger. And then it dislodges a rock from the wall, and everything I know comes crashing down with that little piece of stone.

My heart thunders as my world rocks, because dead things can’t touch anything...which means it’s not dead. Which means it can’t kill Nami. All I have to do is make it go away forever… somehow. Squashing my fear, I heft my Sharp Rock and run at it, focusing all my anger, all my rage at losing Nami, and my fear and sadness and everything on the Bad Thing, which actually hesitates for a moment…before jumping at me, snarling.

Thunk. We slam together with the sound of flesh ripping. Agony sears through my forearm, but that’s it. I lie on the freezing floor, its teeth sunk deep in my shoulder, and wonder why it’s so still. Then I see my Sharp Rock in its eye. I hit it right on target.

Panting, I scramble to my feet and prepare for it to reappear and attack me again. But there’s nothing. Why? Why isn’t it appearing? Dead things stay with you...right?

My world tilts on its axis as questions blur through my mind. Where is it? What’s happening? It’s dead, I killed it, it should be appearing, because it’s dead-dead? I flash back to when Nami told me what dead meant.

She was sitting next to me during our evening word session. As I drifted off, I caught one sentence that snapped me awake.

“Someone dies when they get hurt very badly, like when they fall off a cliff. It means they go away and never come back.”

“What? But I don’t want you to go away, loja!” I began to sob.

“Shhhh, nixta. Even if I die, I’ll always be with you in your heart. We’ll talk more about what dead means when you’re older. For now, just know that even if I die, I’ll still be with you.”

Go away and don’t come back. That's what she said. But she also said that she’d be with me in my heart-my heart. But-but Nami’s not in my heart, she’s right here, right here next to me-I look over to reassure myself-she’s gone!

My heart pounds so hard it feels like my chest will burst. Four beats in five seconds. I check everywhere four times, even going back as far as the Bad Intersection. I take one hundred and fifty seven steps. I even check the Bad Thing’s Home, where there are five bones scattered on the icy floor. But she is gone. And then the terrible reality crashes in like a tidal wave as I realize I am truly alone.