Recent discussion around certain middle schools has brought up some interesting controversy over a seemingly simple question; what are mountains? Arguments have created great tension over the matter.  While scientific evidence may trump either idea, the most common standpoints are that mountains are fortresses for the likes of small men, or strategically grouped advertising platforms for capitalists. While neither theory has been confirmed, strong opinions are held by various middle school students.
An expert on dwarven fortresses who wishes to remain anonymous said that, “Mountains are...not what you think they are. Most people assume mountains are just giant pieces of rock or dirt that are randomly placed, [but] each mountain was actually hand crafted, stone by stone, in a very specific place to be a base for the dwarven armies...You see, at one time the dwarves and the humans lived in harmony but then a war started…[and] escalated until both races were almost wiped out. The dwarves and humans signed a peace treaty….The dwarves and humans agreed to separate the two races so another war would never again happen. The dwarves now use...mountains to keep a careful eye on us to make sure we never discover them again.” It must be said that if there’s any truth to it, the dwarves are doing a very good job. Derek Guyman, an eighth grader from Oregon pointed out that “there are mountains in New Zealand, where the Lord of the Rings was filmed, so there’ve got to be dwarves.” Another student, Corren Salzburg, agreed. “It’s obvious.”
A classmate of Corren and Derek and an expert on Capitalist everything is Karen Zimmer, who said, “It’s the only pliable option.” She has been heard to say that dwarves “don’t exist” and are just “Lord of the Rings crap.” She has also attempted investigating the mountains themselves, but authorities stopped her. “If it’s a bunch of dwarves, who cares? But propaganda, that they would be protecting.” Ms. Cooper, a sixth grade science teacher also argued that “even in Tolkien’s interpretations, there’s a clear connection from the dwarves and other characters to the modern industrial society.” So if anything, the dwarf supporters are really helping her side of the argument. But let’s take a step back; what exactly is capitalist propaganda? Capitalism is “an economic and political system in which a country's trade and industry are controlled by private owners for profit, rather than by the state.” (Oxford English Dictionary.) Propaganda is “information, especially of a biased or misleading nature, used to promote a political cause or point of view.” (Oxford English Dictionary.) So capitalist propaganda is basically advertising. “I mean, it makes sense, doesn’t it?” said a local mountain enthusiast. “The mountains didn’t just show up for no reason. What better way to draw attention to yourself than making a bunch of giant molehills pop up out of nowhere?”
A young lady who just happened to be looking over my shoulder as I wrote this concluded; “Mountains are mountains. Who do you think you’re kidding?”