I am so glad we have such a great turn out today, I really appreciate everyone coming to these meetings; I know you all have very busy lives. Shannon, you look great. Wanda, a little on the bloated side, don’t you think?  Johnny, how are the kids?
All right, I am fully aware you all have places to be so I won’t keep you, let’s get this show on the road. I see we have a couple newcomers today so we will start with an introduction! My name is Jodie Hooper; I’m 21…I think. Never been married, previously worked as a cashier assistant at Walmart, and I drive a Kia Soul. For those of you who don’t know my background, I come all the way from Springfield, Illinois. I was almost a Russian literature major, up until everyone went M.I.A., and I enjoy long walks down Main Street talking to storefront mannequins.
Now, that you know a little more about me, let’s get to know all of you a little bit better, so let’s start with names! Just kidding, you guys are such clowns. Clearly, a tough crowd tonight so I will skip right to the point. As many of you may know, I am the only person standing in this room. I know it will come as a great shock to all of you, but you are inanimate objects with poorly drawn on faces on them. Each of you I have shared either a special, or very emotionally pathetic moment with, and I thank every one of you for being my support system throughout these last 231 days. I mean, Shannon, you are my light in the dark, and I mean that in the most literal sense. You are the lamp I used to test out the backup generator in Target last week. I mean it lasted under 30 seconds, but we lived that—we shared that moment together. And, Johnny?! Well, Johnny you’ve been my shotgun driver since Delaware; we’ve had some pretty great times jamming out to that old Abba CD I found! Moral of the story, you have all been here for me when humanity left me for dead. Or, should I say alive? Nevertheless, this meeting has been called to address you, my fine lifeless compatriots, as well as the future of humanity—if there is one. I’d like to begin my brief soliloquy with the note that I am rather sure that no human will ever hear these words and that I am fully aware that I am speaking to an audience of various furniture pieces and sports equipment.
To whom it may concern, which is none of you, I have written a short summary on why I, Jodie Ann Hooper, believe that the presumed entirety of the world got up and died, and how I believe that this could have been prevented. Firstly—see, I told you I could be formal, Wanda—people just stopped caring about the earth. When did loving nature on our planet become uncool? Back in my day, people only cared about one thing and that was themselves. And look where that’s left us. Nowadays, I only care about myself, because I am the only person left to be cared about. I mean, I care about all of you, but those feelings can’t be reciprocated, and that is how we landed ourselves in this predicament. You see the world, as I knew it, treated the rest of the world like they were inanimate objects. If we had all just opened up our hearts a little more, held the door for strangers, smiled and said our thank you’s, I don’t think I would be standing here in this old gymnasium delivering a rant to a group of light fixtures and worn out volleyballs. No offence, Wilson.
The point I am trying to make is that people just weren’t that nice to one another. It was an era of indifference towards each other and the environment. I mean, of course, I was nice because that was how my mother raised me. Yet, you hear these awful stories from overseas and often in our own country and it just makes you think, “Wouldn’t life be a little easier if we could all teach our children kindness?” Every day, I would make sure to never go to bed angry or upset, because you never when the last time you see someone will be…ironically.
Maybe my point here is that you have to pay it forward. I am one kind person, but that doesn’t really matter when the rest of the world can easily turn their backs on you. Our world didn’t die because of global warming—okay, well maybe it did—but it died because we let it get that far. We let wars keep on, we let children be malnourished in education, we let the disabled be ill-treated, and we let ourselves be downtrodden, because we are completely indifferent towards one another. I want to say the reason I am alone on this earth is because we let the polar bears on ice caps drown, but I am alone because we had no disregard for what would happen if they did.
From the words of a pre-destined spinster, I advise future humans—if there are any—to love each other, look out for each other, and care about the world you live in. Don’t let yourself end up universally alone in Milton, West Virginia in an abandoned school gym talking to a bunch of footballs and lampshades. Oh god, I’m going to die alone.