Sitting in this dark room, I found death. I found the dark, with no way out the abyss. I live in the dark around me. The floor I rest on, the walls that surround me, the ceiling above me, all as black as the hole in my chest. Gazing down, I could see the bleeding hole, an empty vessel.

In my eyes, I imagined myself as puppet. I was bent to the will of others, toyed with for sick amusement. How could I let this happen, how could I believe them? Slamming my hands against my face and beating myself up, I screamed as loud as I could. How could I have been so stupid?

I screamed until my throat protested. With my voice raw and meek, I let the tears escape. They all laughed, persecuted and yet they still stare. They gaze at me with disappointment and regret. Why was I so useless? Sobbing with a croak, I hugged my knees to my chest. “Why me?” I asked aloud, wanting an answer, but nothing was said.

I cried until my eyes became dry and blurry. No one could see through the barriers I’ve built, no one bothered to look. Rising to my feet, I looked at the space in front of me. With nothing but lost hope, I took a step forwards. Flashing before my eyes with invisible mischief, I saw his smile. His eyes. His laughter. His lies. They way he wooed me, the way he had me dreaming, the way he used me. Gasping, I fought to breathe in what air I had left.

And just like that, they were all the same. They all promised happiness, love, and respect. But they all lied. They never kept their promises, they used what sanity I had left and tore it up right in front of me. One by one, they laughed. They ridiculed and left. Over and over, it all replayed.

Surrounding me with mockery, I covered my ears and closed my eyes. “Go away!” I screamed and shouted over and over again. “Leave me be!” I felt them circling me, dread and fear crawled up and down my spine. Regret and disappointment poured of the hole in my chest. “Yes I know what I did, I know what happened and I’m sorry!” I sobbed when my screams went silent, my throat ached as I spoke. “I’m sorry.” I whispered as I dropped to my knees.

The memories with the laughing mockery disappeared with a whoosh and I looked up. Everything was silent except for the sound of my heavy breathing. Sitting back on my heels, I swallowed what little pride I had left and looked at my hands. They were clean, no blemishes. My arms were spotless. My shoulders were free of marks. Feeling my neck, there was nothing there. Lifting my hands, I touched my face with delicate fingers. A rough patch of skin was all I felt. With a gasp, I ran my hands on my face.

I felt rough ridges across the crevices on my face. Hunching forwards, my hands slapped the ground as I stared with wide eyes in horror. In front of me, I saw a reflection. Sad eyes, permanent frown, useless. Everywhere on my face, useless was engraved. It was as if it whispered to me every time I glanced at it.

“Useless. Useless.” It chanted again and again. In horror, it started crawling down to engulf my arms and hands. Trying as hard as I could, I couldn’t scratch it away. My skin turned

red and pale as it crawled under my skin.I could hear it echoing in me as I laid on my side. “I’m not useless.” Sobs wracked my body as I curled into a ball. The air in my lungs came out in short gasps as it started to shriek in my mind. The high pitched voices got louder each time, singing a song. My ears started to ring and my head was trying keep me sane.

Sitting back onto my knees, I swallowed my fear. I could prove them all wrong, show them that I’m not here without a purpose. Would they believe me? Tilting my head back, I let out the best smile I could manage and laughed.

Of course they would never believe me. No one ever did. They would throw it back in my face and sneer. What ever made me think that I could change, that is the funniest thing to ever hear. I laughed louder as I watched the empty space above me. Some people reach for the stars, but I never could even if I tried. They’ll tell me I’ve lost my mind. They always do. But they’re right, I’ve lost it all.

With my smile and laughter gone, I continued to gaze up at the black abyss. What have I done to myself? I destroyed my sanity with one word. A word with no meaning to some, but to me, it was all I could hear. It raged through me like the fires that engulfed forests. I felt a shiver of dread crawl up my back and held onto my upper arms.

In the dead silence of the abyss, there was a quiet crack of laughter. My pulse sped up in my veins and I struggled to breathe in steady gulps of air. Don’t let it get to you. My mind fought to calm me down and gripped my arms tighter in my hands, knowing I left a bruise. The laughter was cut off and I let out a quiet breath of relief.

When I thought I was safe, I found out quickly that I never was. From beyond what I could comprehend, I heard the wind rustling closer to me, blowing away the thought of security. Useless. I heard the whisper and I froze, they’re right, why am I so useless?

My body was motionless as I fell, I came to stop and realized that I was laying on my face. With my hands at my side, I tried to push myself back up. My body felt weak as I fought to get back. Everything in me screamed to stop and dropped back down. This is it, this is how I’ll always be. A single tear fell my eye, but I just laid there not even bothering to wipe it away.

Clink. There was a quiet, almost inaudible noise. It sounded as if fell from somewhere. Lifting my head, I saw a single white pen in front of me. Pulling myself up curiously, I gazed at it. Where did it come from? With a tilted mind and twitching fingers, I grabbed it as gently as I could. The material of the pen was smooth in my hands and I lightly traced the engraving on it. Powerful.

Touching the tip of the pen to the blackness, I gasped when the ink started to spread. It was white with an aura of grace. With a bit more confidence, I started to write in large letters that connected and grew large. They started to repeat around and I watched in amazement as the words sang to me.

I was never useless. I was simply lost. A giant smile spread across my face, I was filled with joy. My heart was content and the voices of hate disappeared. All along, I was just lost and pitiful.

Clutching the pen to my chest, I cradled the precious gift in my arms. I’m never letting go of this new found gift.
It showed me how important I am. Because, I was never useless, I was just lost.