Dec. 13th, Entry #7352 – My Disobedient Children.

Today was a successful day. I finished building the Oasis near the north end of the garden, no thanks to Home Depot, who took centuries to get the shipment in, and I saw that it was good. Furthermore, I told Adam about it, and we both came to the conclusion that it would be a great place to take Eve. However, he was still spooked that I took one of his ribs and made a babe out of it. Lord knows I would be grateful if that ever happened to me! Not only was he spooked, but he also found it awkward waking up to her, and wanted to get to know her, and not take things too quickly. So, again, the Oasis would be a great place to start things off. After Adam talked to her about it, she agreed, and everything was a “success.” I gave the couple directions in order for them to reach their destination safely, but it just so happens that the Tree of Knowledge chose the perfect day to serve their famous soup of the day! That serpent is one hell of a businessman! After their date, I thought I’d go to their place to see how everything went, if the food was good, and if Tom gave them great service. So I gave Adam a call, but he didn’t answer me; so I left a voicemail. An hour later, I called again to see how things went, and again, no one answered my call. I’m not going to lie, I was a little worried; so I decided to visit them in their new home. As I was pulling into the driveway, Adam had the audacity to glance at my car, and immediately go inside his house. Are you serious? You can’t say hi? I created you; I am going to find out what you did anyway! Don’t hide from me! So I knocked on his door, and out of fear, he opened the door half way so that I could only see his torso. Out of suspicion I opened the door completely, and what I saw angered me. Adam and his wife were wearing leaves! He said, “I heard you in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked; so I hid.” Hence, I asked him, “Who told you that you were naked? Have you eaten from the tree that I commanded you not to eat from?” The man said, “The woman you put here with me, she gave me some fruit from the tree, and I ate it.” Jesus, I knew that serpent had stuck his nose in my plans! I asked Eve what happened, for she was wearing leaves as well. She said, “The serpent deceived me, and I ate.” At that point in time, I had my belt ready, the serpent got his, I’ll tell you that. After the whole situation, I came to the conclusion that I should kick them out, and I did. That’s what they get for not visiting my place.

-God


April 14th, Entry #12,377 – My Babbling Children.

My creations, my people, are becoming extremely ambitious. At first I thought they had been spending countless hours listening to the album Led Zeppelin IV, for then where else would they have found motivation to construct a stairway to heaven, hm? Well, I did my research on the city of Shinar, and came to the conclusion that King Nimrod, son of Cush, and great-grandson of Noah, whom resides there was not fond of the way I carry myself. A pigeon on the streets told me that he was a hunter, and had a reputation for being rebellious towards me. Excuse me as a chuckle to myself. The bird also told me that he was responsible for the construction of the tower, so I thought it would be nice if I paid Shinar a little visit. As I walked through the gates, I saw great chaos within the streets of the city. Woe to the people of Shinar! Drugs were being sold on every corner, and two parties emerged from a vast multitude. Dozens of thousands protested on the left, as they held up signs which said “Now is the hour for Anti-Tower!” Hundreds of thousands protested on the right, as they advertised “As one we have power. Follow our cause on Twitter, Facebook, and YouTube. Also feel free to visit our website at www.ProTower.com!” Sponsored commercials spoke of unity, and hippies arose out of the oceans! Whoever has ears, let them hear, and whoever has eyes, let them read. Before the police showed up, I separated the citizens, and workers, of Shinar by miraculously making them speak different languages to each other. Through this manner, they were not able to continue working on their construction site because what one said to another probably sounded like Gibberish, which it was. Some spoke French, many spoke English, some simply grunted, and different groups found each other that spoke Spanish. In this way, different nations arose, and inhabited the rest of the earth. As for the Tower, some historians say that this so called Alexander the Great destroyed it. No. Once everybody left, I created a great wind that brought down the building brick by brick. I am the Great I Am, believe me when I tell you this.

-God