I sit on the cold porcelain of the tub, sobbing but trying not to make a sound. My hand covers my mouth and I can taste the salt from my tears. There’s a tap on the door and I know he’s out there, waiting for me. “Come on, Jadee. You’ve got to come out sometime.” I make no sound of acknowledgement that he’s even there. I know this will only make him angry, but I’m so sick and tired of this mess I’m in. “Jadee, I’m sorry. Just come out of there, will you?” No sound from me. Then he pounds his fist on the door and I flinch. “Come on, Jadee! Get outta there!” I hate when he gets like this. I can’t leave now though, I’ve only made him even more angry. I should just go out there now and face him. Maybe he would be less angry then.
It seems like he’s calmed down a bit, but I know better than to trust what just seems real. I know he’s still out there waiting though. I can see the shadows of his feet under the door, just standing, waiting. Then he knocks on the door, but it sounds more gentle this time. Even his voice seems calm, “Jadee…I’m sorry, ok? Just will you please, please come out of there? We can work all of this out. I swear I won’t do a thing.” Sometimes I really want to believe him so much, but I know better than that. I’ve messed up thinking that too many times. That’s the reason I’m in this mess in the first place. I was blinded and thought I found someone who could really understand me, and all I ended up with was someone controlling and abusive more and more with time. I couldn’t just fall for it every time he seemed to actually care. “Jadee, I love you. Please. Just talk to me. Say something.” I was tempted by his words and the gentleness of his voice, but I tried not to let myself be pulled in again. No matter how much he seemed to care, I told myself to go out there, be bold and strong. I had to end this mess. I got up from the tub and walked across the cold tile floor. I didn’t want to do this, but I knew how bad I had to. I could still see the shadow of his boots outside. I grabbed the handle of the door, but I’m so frightened to leave my safe haven and go out in to the hallway, where I will be completely vulnerable. I turned the knob, and there he stood before me, with his long dark hair, clothes and boots. Despite his intimidating appearance, his face was gentle. Then he grabbed me, in a strong but caring embrace. I didn’t want to make him angry anymore, but he had to know I wanted to end this. I lightly pushed him away from me, “We need to talk.” He seemed to falter a bit at my words, but composed himself and we both went in to the living room. We both sat on the very old, but comfortable couch. He just looked at me expectantly. “I’m just going to cut right to the chase, ok? We’re over.” His face crumpled and he shook his head, “No…no. You can’t leave me! You’re all I have.” Something in me was telling me to stay, but a bigger part was screaming ‘Run! Run, and never look back!’ I knew which one to listen to. “No. We’re over. I can’t stay with you anymore.” He got a smug yet mischievous grin on his face, “You see, I can’t just let you go, Jadee. You have to stay with me. I’ll never let you leave me.” This was harder than I thought. There had to be some way to get out of this mess. “You know what. You’re right. I don’t know what I was thinking. I’m sorry.” He smiled and kissed my forehead, “That’s my girl! I love you, Jadee.” I know what he wanted, so I lied, “I love you too.” Then he tried to kiss my mouth, but I knew how far he would go, and I didn’t want to get in to that. I lightly pushed his chest away from me and told him I would go clean the kitchen. I walked away, knowing this could be my only chance to get out of here. As I leaned over the sink, I could see my reflection in the window above. My hair was all tangled from the previous night and I had bags under my eyes. There were various colors of bruises all over my body. I turned the water on as high as it would go and made the call. The cops would be outside waiting for me. Luckily, he hadn’t heard a thing. I slowly made my way toward the back door. Just as I opened it, he came in and grabbed me, “Jadee, what are you doing?!” I could tell he was mad, and that he knew exactly what I was doing. I didn’t even need to answer him. He still had a hold of me while he slammed the door shut. Then he led me back to the living room. He grabbed me and shook my shoulders violently, “Jadee, how could you do this to me?!” I whispered sorry. He threw me down on to the couch. “You’re sorry?! You lied to me!” I shook my head, “I told you it was over, you just didn’t listen. I had no other choice.” He took a hold of my hair and dragged me from the couch. I kicked and struggled, although the pain was nothing new to me. Just as he was about to beat me like so many times before, the cops came through the door. I knew at that moment that this was a day I would never forget.