Well, here it is the real story of snow white and the eight dwarfs. No, that is not a mistake there are eight of us. Kevin, that’s me and my seven scoundrel brothers. They are going to be so embarrassed when this leaks to the public. They were always portrayed so nicely in the original story but now I think it’s time for the truth to surface.

We were always a close dwarf family, whistling as we worked. Everything changed after my growth spurt. I shot up in little more than a week from about a foot to nearly three feet tall. My brothers used to laugh and call me a giant. While all of my brothers remained under a foot tall my height began to broaden the gap between us. Soon, making fun of me became a sort of hobby for them all but even after that they were still my brothers. However, after the “jokes about Kevin” got old they just began to ignore me altogether. Forgetting to wake me up for work was the first sign that I wasn’t a part of the family anymore. Day after day I would rush to get to those dirty mines that I hated even though I knew none of them noticed when I finally did arrive and after a while I just stopped going. No one ever mentioned it; no one ever even uttered a syllable in my direction.

I was frustrated, and I couldn’t take the silent treatment anymore. One night when they were all sound asleep in their cozy little beds (beds I didn’t fit in anymore) I snuck out of the house and into the deep darkness of the woods neighboring our small cottage. These woods are where I would make my home. I hollowed out a tree as a makeshift shack and I lived off berries and fruits I could find on the forest floor.

I don’t even think my brothers noticed my absence. I watched them as they sang walking to work the next day. I didn’t care anymore, and I no longer needed their approval. I was the FIRST independent dwarf (I am very proud of that title).

Anyway, back to the matter at hand, Snow White. One day I was sitting at the edge of my wooded home and I noticed a creature appear running through my forest toward my brother’s cottage. She was so tall (and I thought I was the freak) with deathly pale skin and hair so dark that it didn’t really match her complexion. She was kind of funny looking, actually. She seemed completely exhausted and scared out of her mind. I knew my brothers would not return for some time so I followed the strange creature up the stairs and into my brother’s cottage. It looked the same, dirty clothes and dishes strewn across the floor. The only difference I noted was that now where eight beds and table settings had been there now sat only seven. The young creature rummaged through the debris looking for somewhere to sit. I came up behind her gently removing clothes from the closest chair. She spun in fright at the movement she heard behind her but I smiled and was friendly seeming to calm her speeding heart.

She flopped into the chair and rested her head against her hands. “It is okay child I am here to help,” I stated reassuringly. She lifted her eyes to mine and that is when I noticed the elegant features of her gentle face (maybe she wasn’t so funny looking). “My name is Snow White,” she stumbled. I outstretched my hand in a pleasant gesture of hello and informed her that my name was Kevin.

I told her of my brothers and their cruel treatment of me and she told me of her need to get away from the palace life. Living at the palace was pleasant and material possessions were abundant but she had wanted more. Since she was a little girl she always dreamed of running off, finding her true love, and living happily ever after (what a fairy tale). Her father and mother, the king and queen, however had different plans for their beautiful daughter. They wanted her to find a suitor any prince that she liked. The trouble is she didn’t like any of the princes. “They were all so shallow,” she whined, “no one I could ever imagine spending the rest of my life with.” I sympathized with her desire for a more fulfilled life but secretly envied the life she had left.

The sun was beginning to set and I knew my brothers would be home soon. She looked frightened and asked if she could come home with me. I was too embarrassed to allow her to see my makeshift home that I insisted she stay here and wait for my brothers even though I knew they are not the welcoming type. She agreed and we said farewell as I scurried out of the cabin before my brothers could arrive. I watched from the edge of the forest as they approached their cabin singing merrily after a long day of work. As they filed into the house one by one I crept silently to the window to see how they would react.

They were furious as they began to realize someone had been in their house. They checked each room and then every bed until finally they found her, sleeping peacefully in my brother Grumpy’s bed. They were not pleased to see this intruder, their faces flushed with anger as they shook her violently awake. “What are you doing in our cottage,” they all boomed in unison. Fearful she shrunk further into the bed stammering about how she had been running and needed a place to rest.

Her excuse got her nowhere with my brothers. I stared into the window scared of what they might do to her. They forced her to stand, she was shaking all over and I felt terrible for allowing this to happen. She pleaded with them, “I will do anything you ask but please do not turn me out.” They replied, “Anything we ask? Even cook our supper and clean our cottage while we are at work.” She answered with a quick yes but felt ashamed that she had no other options and so that’s how it went Snow White cooking and cleaning until her fingers were numb, like a slave.

I continued to watch without being seen by either party. I wanted so badly to whisk her away from the nasty clutches of my brothers but couldn’t bring myself to intervene until one night as I watched, I saw my nastiest brother, Dopey (despite what his name implies), slip something vile looking into the soup of my dear Snow White. I tried in vain to warn her but finally I just busted through the door. My brothers gasped and guffawed as I plummeted to the floor. I yelled (louder than intended) to her, “Do not eat the soup in front of you, my brothers have poisoned it, they wish you nothing but harm.” Her jaw dropped as she pushed the bowl away from her in shock.

I grabbed her hand pulling her with me into the forest. The sounds of my brother’s shouts and footsteps could be heard mere paces behind us. We ducked and dashed hiding ourselves in the midnight cloak of the woods. The shouts began to die down until they disappeared entirely. We both sighed in relief as our heart rates began to return to normal.

She pulled me into a tight embrace saying, “I always knew you would come back for me.” I grinned, “Back for you my dear Snow White, I never really left you.” From that day forward we lived in peaceful happiness succumbing to true love (hell maybe she was beautiful after all).