Once upon a time there was a cold night. Well actually, the fact that it was cold is so blatantly obvious that it seems a waste of my time to tell you that it was cold. You see, it was winter. And not only that, it was snowing. So I sure hope it was cold otherwise there would be some major faults in this story. But just so you know, it is winter, there is snow, and I don’t have to tell you that it’s cold. Because if there is snow and it’s winter, it’s going to be cold just because that’s the way things are. If you have a problem with that, don’t whine to me about it, I’m just trying to tell you a story. I have to put in things like proper weather conditions, or my story will make no sense. And no one wants to read a story that makes no sense. And if no one reads this, then I might as well not write it. But I am reading it, you are writing it, and therefore (hopefully) it makes sense. Now that we understand each other, we can move on.
On this night that was cold because it was winter and it was snowing, Gulo was trying to write a story. She sat at her computer (well, it wasn’t hers, she was just the one sitting at it at the time, so I said hers so I would have to explain how it belonged to her mom, but all her siblings used it) and stared stupidly at the blank word document.
Now, I’m going to tell you right here and right now that whatever happens to Gulo in this story is fictional. For those of you with minds too full of answers to trivia questions about things Stephanie Meyer writes to know what fictional means, it means that this stuff doesn’t actually happen. I just say it happens in such a way that it makes you think it really did happen. So it’s kind of like I get to sit here and write out all the lies I want, and you get to sit there are read all my lies for fun. Or maybe someone is forcing you to read my lies. If that someone is me, then haha, I’m making you read my lies. Anyway, some people would put in a paragraph here to warn you that if you think this is scary, that’s ok, because it’s not real. But I say, if you get scared by this, you’re a real wimp, and I don’t care if you wet your bed tonight so long as I don’t have to clean up after you. But no, the real reason I’m telling you it’s fictional (for word meaning, see the second sentence of this paragraph) is because not all of it is. Haha, bet you didn’t see that one coming. But you see, Gulo is a real person. She is not a lie. And I don’t want you thinking that Gulo regularly does things like stare stupidly at computer screens. Gulo, in fact, is quite an amazing person, and you should stop judging by the things she does in a story that is a lie and get to know her better.
But back to the story. Gulo was not only staring stupidly at the computer screen, but after several minutes she even began to bang her head against the keyboard (remember, fictional!). For you see, not only was Gulo bored, but she also could not think of anything to write. You see, most people would call this writer’s block. But this, in fact, was not writer’s block. This was Gulo-being-so-bored-she-has-a-head-ache-so-she-can’t-think, which is not writer’s block. Writer’s block is when a writer cannot write because someone stole hisher computer, pens, pencils and paper so heshe cannot write. It is also when the writer is physically restrained from writing, such as being set upon by a mob of wild dogs, or being tied to a chair in the basement. Some writers like to say they have writer’s block just as an excuse. What they really should say is either their minds have stopped working because they drank too much espresso, they very stupidly wrote themselves into a corner and have no way out, or the got amnesia and forgot what they were going to write. At least, these are the three usual reasons writers try to hide with the excuse “writer’s block.”
But you see, Gulo did not have writer’s block, as I have already explained. And her situation didn’t apply the any of the three usual explanations. She didn’t even like espresso so she hadn’t touched any, she hadn’t even started writing yet so she hadn’t written herself into a corner, and she had never had any idea what she was going to write in the first place so even if she did have amnesia it didn’t matter (for those of you who are dying of curiosity, no, she didn’t really have amnesia, but thanks for your concern).
And so, as I am sure you are wondering, what did Gulo do? Well she wished all manner of nasty things on boredom that I will not put here and started writing. What did she write? Well obviously, she wrote a story. Now I know you’re all going, “What!? I thought she couldn’t write!” Well, stupid, I said she had a headache and she couldn’t think. That doesn’t mean she can’t write. Writing doesn’t always require thinking. True, if you’re actually trying to write something that isn’t complete crap, thinking is a good idea, but it’s still optional.
So Gulo wrote a story. It was a very classic story about a knight and a princess and a bad guy and an entertainment-starved writer in the domain of the bad guy, who’s name was Boredom. But somewhere along the line she fell out with the night and the princess, so she deleted them. But it’s not like they were so original anyway. The beginning went something like:
Once upon a time.
The ending went something like:
The End.