And what I thought didn’t matter actually mattered. He mattered even though I didn’t matter to him. What I felt was real, what he felt was lust. I didn’t know how I could feel something for someone who treated me like nothing. He would use me for my body but we would never speak. He started texting me less and less but what I would feel for him grew even more. Why? Why would I feel this way? Why would I do this to myself? I tell myself I don’t care, but I want to cry when he doesn’t answer me. The same way i felt for B, but it felt different. I don’t know if it was a good different or bad different. All I knew was I was going to be even more f*cked in the head after it would end. We never were anything, but when I was around him or texting him it made me feel alive and real. It was my escape for my pain, heartache, and stress. I didn’t have to have real relationships, I just needed him. I was in love, but it was one-sided.