Parents favorite time of the year: back to school shopping. Everything seems to be on that damn list from protractors, Spanish to English dictionaries, #2 pencils, and somehow (according to your child) the box of crayons that come with 100 different colors. All of these unnecessary items that will not benefit any kid while they are in school. Here’s what I propose we should add to our children’s school lists that will actually be 100% used.

Item 1: JanSport Bulletproof Backpack ($199)
Screw all these princess, superhero, and paw patrol backpacks; I don’t care that it looks cool and it lights up. This is going to be the most popular backpack of the year and is currently on sale from its normal price of $299! What a steal. Now parents don’t have to completely fear for the kid’s life because they have a backpack that will keep them safe and in style. Some parents are complaining that it adds unnecessary weight to their kids backs and is causing spinal damage but it’s a better alternative to being just another victim of a mass shooting that will be forgotten in two weeks. If you are having trouble convincing your child that this is the best backpack for them, ask if they would rather run in zig-zags and hide under desks to save their own life.

Item 2: Girls floral maxi dress Target ($16.00)

Apparel is one of the most exciting parts of kids’ back to school haul and there are so many options out there for boys. Yes, I just said boys. Girls on the other hand, the standard outfit required at most schools requires head to toe coverage under the new laws. This maxi dress with sleeves from Target is only $16.00 and will make sure your daughter never gets dress coded or distracts the boys. Not one inch of skin will be seen in this dress! Boys, don't worry anymore because now you won’t have to r*pe or assault any girls because their outfit won’t be ‘asking for it’. Wear whatever you want because that's your right. LONG LIVE ANARCHYYY! (but only for the men though).

Item 3: Colorblind Glasses
Every kid needs a pair of these glasses that will make them completely colorblind this way there can be no conflict of race in the classroom. I mean for the most part it’s not the kids that seem to be yelling slurs, attacking people in the streets, and rioting at the capitol, but you never know. Better safe than sorry. Sure they might miss out on learning the colors of the rainbow or all the different beautiful hues the world has to offer but it will ultimately benefit the majority. I believe this product could eliminate racism all together.

Item 4: Organic, Non-GMO, gluten free, dairy free, no sugar, no additives, lunches.
Do you know Uncrustables cause cancer? Actually I don’t know if that's true. I heard it from a facebook mom group chat. They were going on and on about the dangers of products like Lunchables and how GMOs are ruining kids' development. Wonder bread is out: organic, gluten free, flavor free, bread is in. Capri-Suns out: disgusting no sugar alternatives are in that your child will definitely hate. If you really want to piss the other moms off though I suggest sending your kid to school with some 2% milk instead of almond, or oat, or soy. They will be livid.

Item 5: Pack of N95 masks
Who knows when the next version of COVID will come around so better to be safe than sorry. Although you may struggle to find any of these online don't worry the normal medical masks do the same thing. It's all a ruse and an odd fashion statement if you ask me. I mean come on who really is going to make sure every single kid is wearing it above the nose. One second and then boom little Timmy is using it as an eye mask for hide and go see or projectile shooting it at you across the room. Not to brag but I got my 7th booster today because 1-6 couldn’t possibly stop this dynamic pathogen. Needless to say I will be immune to these infected booger eating children.

Item 6: Number tags instead of names
If we keep on naming our kids Brylee, Briley, or Brilee the simple minded teachers are only going to get more and more confused and frustrated. May I remind you they don’t get paid enough to deal with this BS. This is exactly why we will resort to assigning students numbers. They are already treated as such when it comes to state wide test scores, just simple numbers that equal results and more importantly money. There will be Caden, Caiden, Kaeden, and Kaiden… and god forbid DO NOT come up with any more stupid ways to spell this name. I am begging you.

This is an ever evolving world we live in and these dated school lists do not reflect the best supplies for our children. Would it just be easier to pass some decent gun protection laws, teach boys to keep it in their pants, end systemic racism and hatred, let kids eat like kids, find medical sources that won’t lie to us, and create some new names? Nah! That’s too much work and it just doesn’t make sense.