The thought crosses my mind that if I were human, I could run. Run from inevitable death. Escape fate.

Then I think bullshit. Because if I were human, I’d never be in this mess to begin with.

It started back around two thousand years ago - my birth. I don’t really remember that much about it. I suppose it began with of course me being a tree and all. Yeah, I was this lush tree that went so high into the sky I could touch the Heavens. I remember having this gigantic family; literally I probably had millions of relatives - holidays were disastrous; talk about an epic reality tv show - and food was plentiful. Life was grand. As one of my relative’s would say now, we were “on a roller coaster that only goes up, my friend.” Sometimes I can still imagine the rain hitting the ground, seeping in to my deep roots, the sun making me feel so alive.

But then the war started. Except, it wasn’t much of a war, because of the whole tree thing [yeah, bullshit]. Like, how the hell are we supposed to defend ourselves when we can’t move? Anyways, humans came and killed most of my family, along with me. It was a horrible time, one that I have blocked most of my memories from. It was the first I had heard of these “humans”. It was hate at first sight.

My family was completely split up - some were burned so that the humans could keep warm [how about you knit a blanket, you assholes], some were used to build the humans shelter [heard of cement?], some were used to build boats - which isn’t half bad if your ship is owned by a pirate [such a thing happened to a cousin of mine, he had a splendid time], and some were used to manufacture a human tool called paper. You of course, being a human, know what I speak of. The thin, pale, flimsy structure that you guys need SO MUCH of. This is what I became.

It was a long, painful, lonely process. And I cannot bear to recount the details to you. But I, the once tall and mighty tree, was thus reduced to a weak, feeble excuse for the life I once held. If this is not enough for any creature to go through, I was sent to a lawyer’s office [not like a publishing company or a high school teenager with a dirty mind to at least make my life entertaining], which is where I sit today. I sit because there is nothing else I can do [paper perk].

Now, back to the situation at hand - the one where I’m wishing I’m human. Why would a tree ever wish to be such a greedy, violent thing? Well, my friends [enemies], desperate times call for desperate measures, or so I’ve heard from another one of my now-paper relatives [we’re all over the place, really]. And I am just thinking that if I were human, I would not be about to meet my end.

“What end?” you probably are asking. Well, the lawyer’s office I was sent to happens to be home to a bunch of crummy lawyers with crummy degrees and crummy clients - and well basically they were in the process of destroying all the evidence [ME] for some crummy case they did a crummy job on.

I’M ABOUT TO GET SHOVED DOWN THE F***ING SHREDDER. [pardon moi francais these crummy lawyers have crummy language]

Now ladies and gentleman, if I were human, such torture would not exist for me. Sure like two centuries ago there was the guillotine and now there’s always the atomic bomb threat, but a shredder????

And what about innocent until proven guilty? Come on America, I know you suck at a lot of things and go back on ideals a lot of the time but YOU ARE GODDAM AMERICA. Don’t kill an innocent.

If I was human, this would not be a problem. I could voice my opinion, start an organization for the protection of my family’s rights, scream for help, RUN AWAY FROM THE GODDAM SHREDDER. I could even run for freaking president of the USA [you voted Obama in, I could definitely make it].

But I am not a human. I am tree. And the human race is racist against trees. And therefore I will probably die today.

Another one of my distant cousins says last words are important to you people. So here’s mine:

f*** you all.